Pregnant-Man Makes a Great Halloween Costume

When my wife and I were first married, we volunteered to take out my brother's kids for Halloween. Not having any children of our own, we were curious to see what we were getting ourselves into. We picked them up early in the afternoon, and discussed our plans. We decided to play it safe, and Trick-or-Treat at the little stores in our local mall.

The kids had their usual costumes. These consisted of your store-bought Power Rangers (hey, it was the 90's!), various Disney princesses, and such. My wife and I couldn't afford too much at the time, so we made a few phone calls and raided family and friends closets. I was a member of the Army Reserve at that time, so my wife dressed up in my gear, painted her face, and carried a toy machine gun. My costume turned out a little different.

I wanted to be unique. I wanted to do something that would get people's attention, and make them realize that they don't have to submit to the department stores. Is it just me, or did our national holidays suddenly go overboard on commercialism? Unless I'm spending big bucks on my 1966 Mustang Convertible, I don't like to open my pocketbook too often. Anyhoo, back to the costume! In high school, I performed in a variety of short plays and musicals. I enjoyed dressing up and becoming "someone else," even if were only for a short period of time. In fact, I've enjoyed it so much over the years that I actually look forward to Halloween, with all the costumes and personalities that ensue. So, it was with much deliberation, that I asked my wife to help make me into a woman! Not just any woman, but a 6ft 3in, 230lb pregnant woman...with heels! I wanted to kids to help play "dress-up" with this, since it was for posterity! I let the 2 girls help my wife in selecting a dress that would not only fit my athletic frame (courtesy of Judo), but to make my belly protrude as if I'm carrying triplets. Luckily, I come from a family of large proportions, if you catch my drift (wink wink). We found a lovely 2-toned purple ankle-length dress, complete with flower print and shoulder pads. That's right, I wanted shoulder pads, darn it!

We had to make a few small purchases, as I found out that its quite difficult to find a 4in heel in my size 13's. Don't worry, because Idaho must be full of retired Woman's Pro Basketball players. I found a plethora of heels in our local thrift stores! I also had to find some stockings that would cover my hairy legs. In the end, though, it really didn't matter. I had so much leg hair sticking out of those dang things, they got itchy real fast!

Next on the list was the proper makeup and hair. Since I was apparently going for the 70's Neanderthal/Pro-Basketball/Pregnant lady look, we ended up with a wig (thank you, Thrift Shop!) resembling that of Heather Locklear. Matching this ensemble, I had my wife adorn my face with the appropriate blue eye shadow and red blush. You know, that whole Pat Benetar meets Heather Locklear step-child look? That was me!

To wrap up this "precocious" and "unassuming" costume, I went for a conservative 44-C straight from my Granny's closet. Now I know that I've got about a foot and a half of height on ol' Granny, but that beautiful lady has got me beat in girth by a long-shot! A few extra socks stuffed here, an old pillow duct taped there, and suddenly I am the definition of Grace! I always thought that I was a fairly good-lookin' guy, at the very minimum, I was average. But this costume painted me in a slightly different angle. For once in my life, I wasn't just another pretty face. But I had somehow morphed into an abomination not seen since John Carpenter's version of THE THING.

The event took place down the remarkably hard slate floors of our mall. I wasn't aware how awkward heels could be. You see, I had been barefoot throughout all of this so far, and didn't feel comfortable driving with heels. Crossing the the parking lot seemed more like circumnavigating the globe. There were times I thought the wind would take me in another direction! Have you ever seen a fawn or a foal take its first few steps after birth?

Fast-forward about 35 minutes, 2 rolled ankles (twice on the right side, thank you), and a very disgusted look from the rest of our party...we were in! My nieces were done with me at this point, and just wanted to fill their pumpkin buckets and go home. My nephew, on the other hand, was still in that adolescent stage where everything is full of awe and wonder. I think he was looking at me as if I were a character that had just crawled out of an episode of his beloved Power Rangers. His eyes stayed transfixed on me the rest of the night!

I wallowed through the lines, collecting my share of looks, gasps, and bellowing laughter. What surprised me the most was the number of ladies complimenting my choice of costume. Sure, there was the occasional whistle and jeer, but I think the ladies were diggin' what they saw! As for my wife, she won't let me dress up as a female in ANY condition, whatsoever. Its not all bad, though. Our photo album now serves as a fabulous ice-breaker at social gatherings. Next year, I think I'll be Dr Phil, instead.