Premarital Sex and the “Test-Drive Theory”

There are many opinions regarding the idea of premarital sex. It seems that any discussion of this can really get people upset or offended. Each person has their opinions or strictly held beliefs about whether it is acceptable or not. Among the various opinions, is what I have always referred to as the "test-drive theory". The basis of the argument is that not having sex with someone before you marry them is risky because you might not be sexually compatible. They could be bad in bed and that would be condemning oneself to a life of being unfulfilled. My intent in writing this is not to stir up debate or offend anyone; I'm simply saying that I don't find logic in this argument. Perhaps you do.

This argument seems to be a pretty popular one. I've heard it my entire adult life. Even as a teenager, whenever someone asked about my decision to wait until marriage, I was always met with, "What if they are bad in bed?" Well, I guess I wouldn't really have any basis of comparison, so what would I know?

Here is the argument as I most recently heard it: "I want to have sex with someone before I marry them because they could be really bad in bed. If they are bad in bed and we got married, we could end up with all kinds of problems. We could end up cheating on each other or get a divorce. I think that's much worse than just having sex with someone!" Have you ever heard this argument? Have you ever made this argument?

You can obviously do whatever you want with your life and we all have our reasons, but can people please take an honest look at this test-drive theory reasoning? When I hear it, it truly sounds completely shallow and selfish. A person's worth is based solely on their sexual ability. Maybe that's not the intent, but that's definitely how it comes across. If you are truly committed to someone and love them, then why can't you actually communicate with them? Are you so emotionally detached from them that you can't tell them there's a problem? Is it really best to just break up with them and move on to the next one, to see if maybe he gets it right?

This is what has convinced me that the test-drive theory lacks logic. It reduces sex to something that is only meant to satisfy the person who declares themselves the judge. It reduces the partner to someone that is easily replaced for a better model. It says that a relationship is only about good sex, not about genuine love and communication.

Perhaps one could argue that I'm not the most qualified person to be discussing this. I've only been with one guy; he was only with one girl - and it wasn't until our wedding night. Maybe we were both bad in bed. But, you know, neither one of us had any clue, because we'd never been with anyone else. I've never seen that as an issue. We've never had a problem talking with each other, being completely open about things (whether sexual or otherwise). We've just learned together. Sex is about more than just hoping to be physically pleased and throwing a fit if you're not. If you can't communicate with someone that you're choosing to be that intimate with, then perhaps the problem is greater than their inability to live up to your sexual expectations.