Preparing for a Child Custody Hearing

Preparing for a custody hearing may be one of the most important and intimidating tasks that you have to undertake in your life. Going to court and having a judge or mediator decide who is going to be awarded custody of your children can be terrifying. There are a number of things that you can do to ensure that the hearing goes as smoothly as possible and that the court's renders a decision that is truly in the long term best interest of your children, yourself and your children's other parent.

The most important thing to remember when preparing for a child custody hearing is to remember the hearing is about your children. It is not about you and it is not about your child's other parent. A child custody hearing is not an opportunity to get back at an ex-partner or treat the judge like a therapist. It is to present your evidence in the light that is most favorable to you and to help the judge to determine what is in your child's best interest.

One of the MOST IMPORTANT things to remember when preparing for a child custody hearing is that often the court will limit the amount of time that you and your ex have to present evidence. These hearings that you see on T.V. do not happen in real life. Often a custody hearing will take less then one hour. While the custody hearing may be the biggest issue in your life it is just one more case for the judge. Most judges do their best. They educate themselves on issues surrounding child development. They insure they are up to date on any changes in the law and they care. With all of that said your children are not the judges children. Your life is not the judges life. Your case is one of hundreds that the judge will hear in a year.

So what are some pro-active steps that you can take to try and insure that the outcome you want for your children is achieved. The first step is one that parents often do not want to hear and that is be open to your ex. Very few judges are going to cut off all contact with the other parent. Research shows that children do better in the long run when both parents are involved in their lives. Judges know this, lawyers know this and you know this (unless there are significant issues around sexual, physical or emotional abuse and then it is a different game but in the majority of cases neither parent is perfect and most are pretty good so except the fact that your ex is going to be involved and be mentally and emotionally prepared to co-parent as much as possible.) So what you want to do is show the judge that you are open to your child's other parent being involved. If you come across as vindictive, demeaning or withholding this will backfire.

The next thing you want to do is gather your evidence demonstrating why the court should honor your request. If you are asking for primary custody you want to show the court that you have been and need to continue to be the child's primary caregiver. Make sure you have satisfactory answers to the following questions.

1. Who drops the child off and picks the child up from school

2. Who brings the child to doctors, dentists, therapy appointments

3. If your child has special needs who is the one that insures that any additional appointments are met.

4. Who is the primary breadwinner. Did you and your ex-partner have an agreement that one of you would work while one stayed home with the children.

5.What is the child's daily routine. Why is this routine important. Who is the one who is in a better position to maintain the daily routine.

6. If your ex-partner does have alcohol or substance abuse issues that concern you and you believe will impact your child make sure you have documentation. With this said (once again unless it is extraordinary circumstances) if your child's other parent is struggling with these issues do not be vindictive. Indicate a desire for the other parent to get help. Remember you want to be the one that is open minded and magnanimous.

Some other things to think about. If both you and your ex-partner have lawyers think about how much money you are spending on these lawyers. Is there a better way to come to a mutually acceptable decision. Maybe mediation or counseling with the understanding that the lawyers fees will instead be put into a college or other type of fund for your children.

If there are not lawyers involved often the court will appoint what is known as a Guardian ad litem. This is a lawyer that is appointed to investigate the situation and help the court make a decision. A good Guardian ad litem will speak with your child, you and your ex-partner. They should also talk to others who care for your child, a daycare provider or a teacher. If your child is seeing a therapist the Guardian ad litem to speak with your child's therapist or any other service provider. It is better to be open with the Guardian ad litem from the beginning. If there is something in your past or something that is currently happening it is better for the Guardian ad litem to hear this from you and not from your ex-partner. You do not want to appear to be deceitful.

On the day of the hearing dress appropriately. Both men and women should wear conservative suits. The reality is that appearance does make an impression and remember you only have a very limited amount of time with the judge. Your appearance will impact the judge and if you want the judge to take the case seriously and take you seriously you need to dress for a serious occasion. Also pay close attention to your demeanor. Do not roll your eyes at your ex-partner. Do not shake your head when your ex says something that you believe is a lie or misrepresentation. You will have your turn to speak. Wait. Additionally, pay attention to the questions the judge asks. Do not answer questions you wish the judge would ask answer the questions that are actually asked. If you have evidence you want to present to the judge, school records, bank records, doctors records etc have a copy for the judge a copy for your ex-partner a copy for the Guardian ad litem and one more to keep for your records. Make sure these records are organized and easy to read. If there are certain parts you want to highlight make sure these are highlighted. It would be best to do this will sticky tabs or notes instead of actually writing on the records. Once you give the records to the judge give him or her a moment to review them before you ask the judge if he or she has any questions.

Finally once the judge makes a decision be quiet. If you like the decision do not gloat (you can do this at home) if you do not like the decision most of the time you will have an opportunity to appeal and/or the court will set a review date so that all parties can come back and see how things are going. Yelling and screaming at the judge will do nothing but reinforce the court's decision and will also label you as a difficult litigant and you will be remembered for all of the wrong reasons.

Whatever the outcome love your children to the best of your ability. Do not criticize their other parent. Do not take the court's decision out on your child. If the court gave reasons for not ruling in your favor give yourself forty-eight hours to stew and then really think about what the court said. Ask yourself if the courts concerns were valid. If you answer in the affirmative take some steps to address the courts concerns so that when you go back to court you can let the court know that you heard what was said and that you respect the court's authority and you are going to do what is necessary to act in the best interest of your children.

Remember through the entire process that you love your children, that your childrens other parent loves the children and that your children love BOTH OF YOU. Your job is to make a divorce or seperation as easy as possible for your children. The best way to do this is to be prepared for your custody hearing but most importantly to be prepared to support your children through the hearing and whatever comes next