Preparing for a Death in the Family: Having a Living Wake

Last week I went to a living wake. Strange, I know. My grandmother was quite fearful she was going to die in the following days because she was going in for what the doctors said would be a most certain emergency heart surgery immediately following her angiogram. So after a week of updating her will, making financial arrangements with her trust, checking on her pre-purchased plot and writing our names on the bottom of things in her home, she called everyone and said she wanted to have the family over for a gathering.

I love my grandmother dearly. She is the strongest woman I know and by far the most funny. She's had a hard life and still manages to give all of herself to those she loves. She's never missed an important event in any of her sons or grandchildren's lives. She's amazing. So, of course, we were all a little upset. I say only a little because she had already had two triple bypasses and have never taken good care of herself yet still has all the energy in the world. So, we're not stupid. We all knew it would happen one day or another. But when it's actually there staring you in the face it doesn't seem to matter whether you're prepared or not. The situation is still the same, it flat out stinks.

So I went to the wake dreading it. I expected that she would gather everyone in the living room and read us the will. I thought there would be lots of crying and emotional outbursts. I expected the worst. That didn't happen at all. My sister flew in from New York to be there. My grandma's sister came in from Mississippi. During the course of the weekend all four of her boys and all eleven of her grandchildren were present. It was exactly what she wanted and needed. It was strange, it was basically like a normal family party. Everyone brought goodies to munch on and someone would run out to get fast food every so often for the houseful. But it wasn't anything like what I expected. There was lots of laughter. My cousins and I looked through numerous photos reminiscing about when we were young and discussing where the traditional Christmas Eve gathering would be held when grandma passed on. It was bittersweet.

While grandma did do some talking about what everyone was getting and everyone tasks for when she died to make everything go smoothly with the service, possessions, divisions and such, it was a cheerful is the wrong word, but a surprising enjoyable event. There were names written on the bottom of items in the house and my brother and sister-in-law were sent home with a box of goodies but there was no formal reading of the will, very little crying and no emotional outbursts. It was a successful living wake.

On Monday she had her angiogram and a good deal of the family was there. We were lucky, she didn't die through it all. It's up to her now whether she lives or dies as it's a lifestyle change that is necessary. But either way we all have a sense of relief and understanding now. If she dies yes I will be very sad, but it will okay because she's had a great life. If she lives another ten years, great! She'll get to see some great-grandchildren. Having a living wake turned out to be a good thing. Not only was it nice to see all the family together but it provided us all with a sense of peace.