Preparing for Divorce

The main thing you should know about a divorce is that in 99% of cases divorce is a nightmare. It is a nightmare for the people getting a divorce, it is a nightmare for the children, it is a nightmare for extended family and it is a nightmare for friends, and it is a nightmare that lasts for a very, very long time Before you get divorced you really need to think about what it is you really want and why you are getting a divorce. If there is violence or any other type of abuse involved then that is a different situation. No one should stay in a relationship where their life of the lives of their children are at risk but if this is not the situation what you need to be aware of is that very rarely will a divorce solve your problems.

Marriage is not easy. I have been married for eleven years and I lived with my husband for thirteen years before we got married. There have been days, weeks, months when I have wanted to divorce him but we walked through it and on the days when I was not thrilled to be married I remembered that I valued marriage and I remembered the effect my parents divorce has had on me, my brother and his kids. There are no family vacations. We vacationed with my mother and her husband. We vacationed with my father and his wife. We did not vacation as a family. Additionally no matter how much a parents spouse may be committed to his or her step children (and I am a step mother who raised my husbands daughter) there is always the risk that the step parent is not going to love the children the same way a parent is going to love his or her child. Often times a step parent will put the needs of his or her children before the needs of his or her new spouse or the children of the new spouse. I acknowledge that in some cases blended families work well but a lot of times they do not.

Another thing you should know before you get divorced is that if there are children involved and/or large amounts of property it is very likely that your divorce is going to be expensive and contentious. I know one divorce attorney in my City who is fantastic. If you want to hire him you must bring him a cashiers check for ten thousand dollars. He will not meet with you until you deposit the funds. He is a kind and generous man who is very good at what he does and what he does is make his clients spouse look horrible and that is another very ugly fact of divorce. If you want the kids full time or if you want spousal support or if you want most of the property you have to demonstrate that your spouse is an unfit parent or that they cheated on you or that you were subject to cruel treatment. Little things get blown out of proportion. Lawyers are very good at taking mediocre facts or small pieces of a life and enlarging them in order to make their client look like a saint while making the opposing party look like a bastard or mentally ill or a drug addict or alcoholic.

Everything that is said during a divorce can never be taken back and the things that are said are horrible and can cause wounds for life and not just for the adults but also for the children. Before you get divorced you must think about the children. As I stated earlier if you or your kids are at risk that is one thing but if you are just bored or you feel as if your spouse no longer understands you maybe you just need to suck it up and get your own life. If you are bored look at your life and remember you happiness is not contingent on another. You are responsible. Maybe you need to expand your life and claim your power. Take a class, volunteer, get a new job do something before you jump to divorce. Also if you spouse does not get you - welcome to the real world. We all have such unrealistic expectations that one person our "soul mate" will meet all of our needs. This is delusional. Broaden your horizons. Talk to your friends. Accept the fact that men and women communicate differently. Give your spouse a break.

Sometimes divorce is inevitable. Sometimes one partner is not willing to work on the relationship and will settle for nothing less then divorce and when this happens well you have to move forward but before you do make sure you both know what you are giving up -not just your future but also your past. No one but your spouse will know the joy and expectation you felt when you were waiting for your child to arrive. No one but your spouse will remember every detail of your courtship, proposal and the day you got married. No one but your spouse will share the same joy as you when your son or daughter accomplished a milestone.

Do not believe in the love of movies and fairy tales, this is fiction. Believe in real love. Love that is messy and can be hurtful and overwhelming and agonizing and then think about where you want to be at seventy-five and me well I want to be in a home with my husband A home that my children and grandchildren can come and visit and where they do not have to worry if they see their father I will be alone and if they see me he will be alone.

Namaste

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