Preparing for the End of a Long Term Marriage

You've been in a bad marriage for a long time and resigned yourself to staying when your spouse suddenly asks for a divorce. Though you have been aware of the emptiness in your marriage you are still surprised. Being more realistic could have saved you a lot of fear and confusion. As people age in an empty marriage they begin to consider trying to find greater happiness in their senior years. With children grown and retirement near many unhappily married people decide to take the chance and leave in hopes of finding a more loving companion and make the senior years better than the ones before. There is a feeling that now it is their time to consider their own needs, maybe for the first time in their lives. And you are left, over 50, and alone for the first time in your life. How do you go on?

If you are dazed and in shock, here is how to begin. And if you are in a marriage which is loveless, try being realistic and keep these things in mind in the event that this happens to you. Knowing what to do and where to turn will keep you one step ahead if you find yourself in this position.

Get a credit card in your name only. If your spouse cancels your cards you will still have credit and this will help you in the future to establish your own credit. It should not be a prepaid card. Get a MasterCard, Visa, American Express or Discover.

Know where all of your assets are. That means stock accounts with account numbers, bank accounts, insurance policies, real estate and any other holding you have acquired during the marriage.

Know the professionals your spouse uses. Who is the accountant who prepares your taxes? Does your spouse have an attorney who handles family business? Who is your stock broker and what company are they with?

The issue of cash is a tricky one. If you have never had money in your name your spouse will wonder why you want it now. If you try to hide money they will wonder why you are doing that and expect that you are preparing to leave. But the reality is that you will need money if your spouse walks out. You will need to hire an attorney and be able to support yourself until the financial issues of the divorce are settled. How much you will need depends on where you live. In New York most attorneys want about $10,000 as a down payment. In Alabama they may only want $1000. The only way you will know how much you will need is to call some divorce attorneys and ask. For this you can just look in the phone book. Most divorce attorneys will give you a free consultation. But if you really find yourself in the midst of a divorce do not hire your attorney from the phone book. Ask around. With so many people being divorced it's almost a certainty that you know people who can recommend someone to you.

Don't be niave and expect and unhappy spouse to stay in the marriage because of past promises. Everyone promises forever when they are newly in love. And don't think that because you had your 30^th anniversary your spouse would never leave. They will and they do. More than 20% of couples who come to me for marital therapy have been married over 30 years. And those are some of the hardest to help. A person deciding how they want to spend the last good years of their lives has usually given it a lot of thought and is determined to go. Anyone can leave a marriage at any time. If you are in this type of marriage be smart and plan ahead. The fear, confusion and emotional turmoil you will be feeling will stop you from thinking clearly. It never hurts to be prepared.