Preparing Mentally for Divorce

You have just been told that your spouse no longer wants to be married to you. The mental strength that you are going to need to survive is enormous. It is important that you start actively protecting yourself from the very beginning.

Depending on what brought you to the point of divorce makes all the difference on how difficult it is going to be for you. It also makes a difference if you are the divorcer or divorcee, or if there are children involved.

If this announcement is unexpected, you will find it hard to believe. Besides the affects on you physically, you will find it hard to process the information. The hardest thing is that you cannot just go under a rock until it "all gets better". You may still have to go to work every day, or be able to function enough to take care of the children. If your spouse still resides in your home, you have to deal with being around this person that has so thoughtlessly ended your life together. You also must realize that they have already been preparing for the end of your marriage and may have a lot of things in place already. You have to become proactive immediately, when all you want to do is curl up and die! Get mad!

The first thing you must do is to decide who will make up your support system. You need to pick out a main support person who will be able to go with you to the lawyer's office, at least in the beginning. They will be acting as the sensible part of you, until you can be more in control of yourself mentally and physically. You need someone who cares about you, but can keep a clear head for you. Usually a best friend is a good choice because even though they care about you, they are not as emotionally tied as a parent, sister, brother, etc. Let them know as soon as possible about what has just happened. They probably have enough "knowledge" about divorce to be able to get you moving in the right direction.

Next, pick out your secondary support system. This will most likely be immediate family, and closest friends. Depending on the issues surrounding your eminent breakup, you may or may not find support with your in-laws. Realistically, no matter how close you are with them, they will try to remain neutral, or may totally alienate themselves from you. It is sad enough that another marriage is lost. What makes it worse is that divorce causes a ripple effect to surrounding friends and family. In-laws that you have been close to for 25 years are no longer your family. Mutual friends will now start taking sides. They generally will side with the person they were friends with first.

If the divorce is amicable - you saw it coming, and have nothing to fight over - the sadness is still there, but you will recover faster. But if there is abuse or infidelity involved, or it was unexpected, it will most likely become a battle. Therefore, it important that you take on a mentally of a fighter. You are now having to fight for your life after you are divorced, and the way you handle things can have a big affect on the quality of your life afterwards.

Of course, you must immediately get a lawyer. Again, if you have a nothing to battle over or no children to worry about, a mediator may work for you. But the longer you have been married will increase your need to get a good lawyer. Absolutely do not use your spouse's lawyer. Your spouse may give you the speech of what a good idea it is because you will save money, things will be easier, etc. Big mistake! The lawyer will not make any glaring mistakes, but they most definitely will not be looking out for your best interests. Easier is not always better.

When picking a lawyer, you have to make sure that you are comfortable with this person. They are holding your future life in their hands. Listen to your gut! If you are not feeling good about them, keep searching. Have your main support person go with you. One thing that you will have to understand is that you will not be able to just give them a call whenever you want. They are not there for emotional support. They charge you for just listening to you breath. You need to make a list of questions and make it as precise as possible.

One of the hardest things that you will have to get out of your head is that your spouse would never lie, cheat, cover up, or do anything that would cause you harm. Granted, there are some out there that will try to treat you well and fairly. There are more that won't. You have to harden your heart immediately. THIS IS WAR!

For example, if you have a spouse who is of the mentality of needing to win at everything, and is very controlling, you must immediately be on guard. You will need to become your own private detective, snooping into things that you may normally not do. It is amazing what "evidence" you may find that will help you. You will normally not think to do this. What is surprising is how quickly the guilt you feel doing this disappears when you find something you did not know about.

Let's say that you are innocently looking for something the spouse needs, and you discover hidden cash, receipts, pictures, plane tickets, etc. You realize that this person has been preparing for this moment long before you even knew there was a problem, which means that they are way ahead of you. You have to catch up fast. You now have to accept the fact that the person you are still in love with is not the person you are divorcing. They could care less whether you sink or swim. All that matters is how they come out of all this. Start checking into every nook and cranny of your home for evidence of hidden funds, copies of work contracts, etc. You may feel "slimy" doing this, but keep reminding yourself that they may be hiding something that is very important to your case.

You also may want to use your initial support person, or whomever you feel comfortable with, to help you with your finances. It is very easy to make financial mistakes at this time. Maybe you never had to really budget because you were well off. Depending on your divorce arrangement, this can change dramatically. Maybe you make too many emotional purchases, and it comes back to haunt you later. You also have to think of what you are going to do financially when alimony or child support ends. And don't forget the never-ending taxes that will need to be allowed for if you receive alimony.

If the spouse is still living in your home, one of the most common battles you may experience is who sleeps in the marriage bed. Keeping healthy is very important. If your spouse was unfaithful, the thought of having that person sleep in your bed next to you will become unbearable. Again, depending on the personality of the other person, this can become quite an issue. If it is important to your mental strength to battle this out until you win, then do so. But if this issue will have no affect on you, then sleep elsewhere, so that you can get rest. Just do not leave the house!!

Another good idea is to get the support of a mental health care professional or support group. This does not mean that you are crazy. But you will need someone that can listen to you. They will also be able to prescribe meds if you need them. Taking meds is not necessarily a bad thing. If you are so emotionally broken, you may need this to stay healthy. In my case, I was not able to eat - lost 40 pounds in one month. Granted, this was not a bad thing, but the speed at which it happened affected other things. I also was having panic attacks when in public. I did not sleep well, and when my ex, who traveled for his job, came home, it was even worse. I was a stay at home mom, and needed to take care of the kids. The meds made a big difference.

Children - the love of your life. Depending on their age and circumstances, you may either be breaking the news to them, or hiding it for a while. No matter what you choose to do, it will be very difficult to act "normal" around them. It will be a struggle to not alienate them from their other parent, no matter how much part of you would like to do so. But trust me when I say that it is worth the struggle. The rewards are worth it - possibly a better relationship with their parent, and more importantly, respect from your children. It is okay to let them see you cry, but try to save the worst of these crying spells for when you are alone. Also, try not to fight in front of them. It may not always be helped, but do the best you can.

When and how you tell your children is different for everyone. There are a lot of good books out that tell you how to handle this, and what kind of questions to be ready for with answers. Telling them together can have a positive affect on them, but make sure that you and your spouse work out the details of this pending conversation first.

The decision over the type of custody arrangement again is going to be decided by several things: the amount of involvement the other parent wants, the children's age, and most importantly, if you and your spouse get along. The last idea may be a confusing concept. If you got along, you wouldn't be getting divorced! What this refers to is if you have equal respect for each other, or is the other spouse emotionally or physically abusive. If the other spouse has controlling, narcissistic personality, for instance, you may find it very difficult to do joint custody.

One of the hardest things that you will have to deal with is when the children are no longer with you every day. Whether they are only gone on alternate weekends or if they spend half the time with their other parent, it is going to be painful. If it is only weekends, this will be easier to adjust to. You can use those days as mental health days. Use that time for yourself. Use it to do major chores around the house, which leaves your time with your kids to do one-on-one things.

If you are doing joint custody, this is going to be very difficult at first. It will get easier to handle, but you may find that it is always painful. It will get easier to handle, but you may find that it is just as painful. Again, use the alone time for yourself. Just watch that you don't become so incapacitated by the pain of missing them that you become a dust bunny under your couch. Especially if you are not working, make sure that you force yourself to do something to keep your spirits up. Physical labor is very good for your mental health. Keep yourself as busy as possible.

The worse thing you can do is run into another relationship before you have healed from this one. Especially if there has been a lot of abuse, you may latch on to the same type of person that you are escaping from. Learn to be content with yourself first. Don't be surprised if you feel like a fifth-wheel among your friends. It will be difficult at first, especially if they are all couples. Combat this by trying to make new single friends. Also, don't be surprised at how strange it will feel when you go to different events, such as the children's sporting events. You will be surrounded by "happy couples" and it will may make you feel ackward, especially if the other parent has brought their new love interest. Bring a book or a friend until you are more comfortable. You will eventually find ways to cope being by yourself when out in public.

This is going to be one of the hardest battles of your life. But if you can get into that battle mode at the very beginning, you will have less scars in the end.