Preserving Innocence in Your Children

I was admiring my daughter's cherub face with my husband when he said, "Look how innocent she is." That one statement is such a powerful one. Innocence. What does that mean? Webster's has a few definitions, 1. freedom from guilt or sin through being acquainted with evil 2. lack of worldly experience. Yep, that about covers it. My daughter is guilt-free and has very little worldly experience. She has not had harm brought to her by the outside world or by anyone who knows her or have been in contact with her. Her innocence is fully intact, thankfully!

I then turn to my other children. Our other daughter, our five year old, still is very innocent, too. Not as much as the two year old, but by all accounts she's innocent. How about our two oldest, our sons in middle school? Innocent? To some degree, yes, but they are from broken homes and they've spent a few years roaming this planet. Their innocence is being preserved by those who love them and see them daily. Our family fights daily to keep these boys planted firmly in their innocence. Do we have them in a deep dark cave? Nope. They watch some of the news, listen to music and skateboard with their friends. Do they hear things that are not age-appropriate? I'm sure they do. Do we speak to them in a manner in which we shouldn't? Well, yes, unfortunately. We're humans and we make mistakes. But, in all the things that we do wrong, we try our best to do what's best. We don't always do the right things. Who does? Show me the "perfect" parent and I'll show you someone hiding some very dark things. My definition of the perfect parent is someone who has their child's BEST interest at heart, they try to do what's right for their child even if it means sacrificing their own needs, and when that parent messes up the admit to it. They show their child that humans, parents, make mistakes, just like they do, but when you make a mistake you own up to it and ask for forgiveness. Once again, I don't always do that, but I'm not perfect, I just try my best.

Looking at my standards for parenting and trying to hold tight to my family while letting my kids learn through their own mistakes, I wonder what others do to preserve their children's innocence. I think about all of the evil things in this world, the pedophiles, the people that we think we can trust and that we tell our children to trust, our children's friends who betray them. There's just so much out there.. how do we even begin to warn our kids without making them scared of life? We tell them that they can trust their teachers, but then you hear about the teachers having sex with their students. We tell our kids to have fun on the church outing with their youth leader only to find out years later of the sexual abuse. We send little Johnny to spend the week during the summer with his cousin at Uncle Jimmy's only to find out that little Johnny had been abused, told his cousin, the cousin called him a liar and then little Johnny was afraid no-one would believe him.

Kids look at those experiences like it was their fault. They question why they were singled out, why that person chose them, especially in cases where family and/or close friends of the family were involved. They wonder if they are the only one. They wonder if they sent some kind of signal to that person. Typically, from my experience to talking with people I know who have been abused, the sex act happens during the first few years of puberty. Of course the child is going to question the whole event! They, themselves, are curious about sex, about what bodies do, and so when they are approached they question if they brought this on themselves. Then they get scared. Some are scared because they can't tell anyone, some are scared because they have told someone and were called a liar and some are scared because they have learned to accept it and try to make the "best" out of it so they have more guilt.

In my thought process I wonder about those poor little ones whose parents know exactly what's going on and do nothing about it. What about those who are forced into it for adult entertainment and pleasure? It is something that truly burdens my soul.

So I wonder, what are we doing as a nation of loving parents to preserve children's innocence? How do we protect and teach without putting too much on our youngsters? And how do we educate others about really listening to their own children and to look for the "signs"? And what are the "signs"? How do we get educated on what professionals would consider a sign? And then how do we take a child who has been victimized and explain to them that in no way shape or form were it their fault?

As you can probably imagine, I have been a victim of abuse, in many forms. I had a very bad experience as a pre-teen and told someone I loved. It, of course, back fired on me and I later accepted what was happening. When I finally realized I had an option, I never spent time with that family again and it has troubled me so. I gave up a second family whom I cared for and loved dearly. I later went on through life treating myself poorly thinking I was being adult and sophisticated. Now, as a real adult, I can forgive. I am back in touch with the family although not at all like I was. I hold no resentment to the person who betrayed me. Unfortunately, in my case I've found it harder to forgive the person I told all this to and who didn't believe me. I think losing that trust was the worst and I don't think we'll ever get that friendship back in order the same way again.

Having said all that, where do we go from here? I pledged from the time I delivered my children that I would believe them if they ever came to me with such allegations. Will I jump up and make all kinds of commotion? I don't think so, but I will put all of me into an investigation and I will put my child's word before the words of someone else.

What will you do?