President Bush Offers Up Viable Exit Strategy

In a shocking departure from his Stay-The-Course philosophy towards the Iraq debacle, President Bush presented his exit strategy today in a press release.

"As a leader of this great nation, you can only doggedly pursue a horrendously unpopular decision for so long before you have to stop snickering with your friends and admit that this is still a democracy...technically," began the president. "It is with that in mind that I have decided to remove all of our troops from Iraq within six months time. In order to do this, I will need the support of the American people for one last, major military push in Iraq. We're going to launch a full scale offensive on Iraq's government. Once the current government has been taken down and Iraq is safely under American control, we will change the name of the country to Irap. We will then set up a figure-head government and begin the arduous task of maintaining order in Irap while they organize and impliment a sham election. There will most likely be a problem with insurgents very similar, if not identical, to the insurgent problem that we have faced in Iraq. Luckily, thanks to all of our experience in Iraq, we feel that the Irapi insurgents will prove to be an easily remedied problem. I know that the last thing the American people want right now is another war, but there comes a time in every presidency when you have to pick yourself up by the boot-straps and doggedly pursue an unpopular decision, refusing to do anything but stay the course, not because you have some personal agenda, but because it's the right thing to do. The Irapi people are a proud and honorable people, and they have been so oppressed by the Iraqi government that the Irapis don't even currently exist! It is for these reasons, and the personal profits of many of my close collaborators, that I am embarking this great nation upon Operations Irapi Existence."

The president then left the podium as reporters chattered furiously amongst themselves. A few minutes later, President Bush trotted back out to the podium and said, "Oh yeah...9/11!"

Within minutes, the shockwave of the president's speech had travelled through Washington. Said one senator, "This is exactly the kind of forward thinking, outside-the-box leadership that our coutry needs. I've been following the plight of the Irapis for years now and I'm overjoyed that we're leaving the Iraq quagmire to help the Irapis; who are much more deserving of our assistance."

Upon learning of the president's speech, the Macintosh corporation frantically rescinded its copyright application for the word iRap for fear that they might accidentally inheiret the ensuing war. Said a spokesman, "We are very sensitive to the troubles of the Irapis, or rather, soon-to-be-Irapis, but we don't feel, at this time, that we should become involved in the global political arena during such an obvious, I mean...oncoming time of unrest in Iraq...p ...Irap'q... I... I quit."

Sources close to the president say that he is confident that this upcoming war will spur him on to victory in his bid for a third term of presidency.