President Obama Demands Re-election

WASHINGTON | Taking full advantage of the bully pulpit, President Obama decided to enact a slightly stronger hand with America Friday.

According to press corps reports, the president stated plainly, "If y'all don't re-elect me, I'm gonna whip all of your a**es. I will line every American up, take off this belt and teach all of y'all a lesson you won't forget."

Seeming somewhat frustrated with the nation's economic struggles, the president stopped by the White House Press Room on his way to the airport.

Originally, the statement was to be issued through press secretary Jay Carney, but at the last minute Obama decided he'd "better handle this statement himself, just to make sure everybody understands."

During a brief question & answer session, in which Obama casually glanced at his watch and said "Let's do this quick. I got things to do," FOX News correspondent Wendell Goler asked if the president's approach was appropriate, especially considering reports that he had the Vice President's help in winning three key states. After the somewhat inevitable 10-second face palm, Obama replied, "Just sit your b***h a** down. I got this."

White House staff declined comment on an unsubstantiated report of a slight smell of breath mints and alcohol on the president's breath, but did confirm that Vice President Joe Biden was standing just off-camera, arms folded and looking every bit the part of an uncle who's perpetually "just about had enough."

Amid a flurry of questions from other reporters, a frustrated Obama replied forcefully "I am the MAN of THIS HOUSE! Michelle got my back! Now, all you little b***ards need to shut up, and do as you're told! I am fed up with you people acting the fool!"

To add emphasis, he pointed his finger firmly all around the room. He closed his statement with "Discussion over," as he then left the podium to get on his flight. Staff made no comment as to what the president meant by "you people."