President Obama Gets Serious About War Policy

A group of men and women file into the large and lavishly furnished White House conference room and take their places in plush leather chairs.

RAHM EMMANUEL
Alright, let's get started. The President will be here in a few moments.
(looking around the table)
Are we all here?

Seated around the conference room area are various officials and advisors of the Obama administration.

RAHM EMMANUEL
You may be wondering why I've invited Anita to this Secret War Strategy Planning Session.

ANITA DUNN
(indignant)
Well, I am the White House Communications Director!...

JOE BIDEN
(forcing a smile)
No offense, Anita... You're a vital part of this team.
(looking up)
Oh, here comes the President now. Hi, Mr. President...

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Sorry I'm fashionably late, folks. There were some problems with the new puppy.
(chuckles)
Potty training, you know.

The PRESIDENT takes a seat at the head of the conference table and nods to the convocation. Then he flashes his twenty gauge fronts. Not to be outdone, JOE BIDEN flashes his own. It's an uncomfortable moment as neither man wants to betray the slightest hint of unease.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Well folks, I don't have to tell you we've got problems. Rahm, give us the short rundown...
RAHM EMMANUEL (grimacing)
Unemployment is up to 10 percent. The stimulus plan is not working. The doctors have turned against us on our health care plan. America's oldsters are standing on the South Lawn with pitchforks to protest Medicare cuts.... and the WAR
(raises his voice)
The WAR is going...

PRESIDENT OBAMA (interrupting)
That's enough, Rahm. TMI.

RAHM EMMANUEL
I forgot to mention Dick Cheney.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
TMI, Rahm! Can't you hear?...

ANITA DUNN
That bastard Cheney!

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Let's not bicker, Anita.Enough, Rahm! I'm the Great Uniter, remember?
(pausing, flashing his fronts, then continues)
We're here to discuss the war, perhaps the most important issue of the day--except for fund raisers, our Olympic bid, and my Nobel...
(and now with GRAVITAS)
The war, folks. Now what are we doing about the war?

BOB GATES
Well we have yet to respond to General McChrystal's request for...

PRESIDENT OBAMA
TMI, Bob! We're not talking about that war. I'm still dithering...

ANITA DUNN
You can't use that word, Mr. President.

RAHM EMMANUEL
I've made up an enemies list.
HILLARY CLINTON
We've to to stay on the offensive here, Barack. We should have a talk with them...threaten sanctions.

RAHM EMMANUEL (reading from a list)
Number one on the list is Chris Wallace. Just as bad are Major Garrett, Carl Cameron, Bret Baier, Brit Hume, Megan Kelly, Neil Cavuto...

JOE BIDEN
Hold on a minute, Rahm! You can't put that nice guy Neil Cavuto on the list. He's got MS, fer' chrissakes... How will that look? And is it wise to include Brit Hume? I mean Brit is kind of a legend--and didn't he work for ABC for many years?.... We've got to revise that enemies list, Rahm... And that Chris Wallace...wasn't his dad this great liberal with great name recognition? An apple doesn't fall that far from the tree, does it?

RAHM EMMANUEL
I won't even mention Hannity, Beck, and Limbaugh. By the way, good work on reaching out to the NFL people to quash the Limbaugh football bid.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Yeah, great work, guys.

ANITA DUNN
And I've made up a friends list. We can reach out to these people: Chris Matthews, Mika Brezinski, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Arianna Huffington, Tina Brown, Ron Reagan...oh, and Friedman and Krugman of the New York Times. Well, the list is too long for me to name everyone. What we've got to do is get people to recognize that these are REAL REPORTERS and REAL NEWS ORGANIZATIONS....
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Chris Matthews? Now there's a real reporter but I'll give you ten to one he's not the only one to get thrills down his leg.
(smiles egregiously)
You betcha', folks....

ANITA DUNN
So now we're ready to dive into Phase II of the Fox News War. We'll continue isolate Fox...turn it into a media leper colony. And now, with operation Phase II Fox we're ready for the Great Step Forward...

BOB GATES
Uhhh..could we take a few minutes to discuss Afghanis...

PRESIDENT OBAMA (interrupting)
TMI, Bob... the matter's already been decided. We're just not announcing it, that's all..
(changing the subject)
But hold on a minute, Anita....where did you come up with that "Great Step Forward" idea. That sounds hot..and it fits on a bumper sticker.

HILLARY CLINTON (suspiciously)
That sounds suspiciously like the "Great Leap Forward," by Mao.

ANITA DUNN
Geezuz, Hills... It sure wasn't Mother Theresa. Get a clue, will ya'?

JOE BIDEN
But if we change it just a little bit then maybe people won't recognize it comes from Mao. That's Tse-Tung, you know.
(laughing aloud)
We could call it "Giant Steps in Progressivism..."

RAHM EMMANUEL
That's brilliant, Joe, but a bit wordy.
JOE BIDEN
Don't forget I was Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, folks.
(adding)
That's in the Senate, you know.

ANITA DUNN
I like it. It'll kill Fox News.

RAHM EMMANUEL
I guess I could live with it but it wouldn't fly in Chicago.

HILLARY CLINTON
It sounds kind of dumb to me...

PRESIDENT OBAMA (chiding)
Hillary...Hillary...Didn't you promise us something?

HILLARY CLINTON
Sorry, Mr. President, I just wonder how we're going to present it. You know...package it.
(looking around the room)
I don't think there's anyone dumb enough here to go out in front of the cameras and....

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hillary...Hillary...your promised me, remember? Just leave it to me. Trust me, there is someone dumb enough to present "Giant Steps in Progressivism" to the press pool.

The present leans forward, pressing a button on the intercom, a broad smile on his face.

INTERCOM VOICE
Yes, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Get me Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. Tell him to come in here.