Presidential Election 2008: A Doomed Odyssey

Let me just say right now that George W. Bush may very well be the greatest American who ever took the seat of presidency. Or rather, I should say: he is one of the best archons of symbolic destruction this nation can ever hope to have acquired through the equally symbolic nature of the people. You see, what most people don't seem to realize is that the President's "brain trust," and the democratic consensus are a perfect marriage. Yes, we've gone through some rough brambles in the early days-and we're still pretty rocky; but what relationship doesn't have its ups and downs?

"How can you possibly sell me the idea that George Bush is a shining beacon of American prosperity?" you might ask. Well, I can't sell you on the prosperity part, because that's not one of the qualities that Dubya embodies so well. But, that's okay! We don't need that in a president. At least, not anymore; not when you have the awesome juggernaut that is the American Dream.

What is the American Dream today? Is it really rights to liberty and pursuit of happiness through natural rights? No, not really. Be honest-what you really would like to have is that new X-Box and an iPod, right? Because we're all fat, lazy Americans, right?

These are the kinds of questions that the incorrigible George Bush has posed to us, the future generations of the Savage Lands. You see, he's really trying to prepare for the inevitable conflict that we're denying so feverishly. Oh, there's no way that some adamantium-laced terrorist is going to plunge his claws into my spleen! My schedule is simply not large enough to accommodate such a dreadful turn of events!

Reality check-George Bush might be stupid, but he's not a stupid idiot. Sure, he's taking time off from important meetings to play golf or go hunting with his good friend and co-commander Dick Cheney, but it's time well spent! Can't we say the same about JFK and his overactive libido? It was Marilyn Monroe, could you blame him!? And in George Bush's case, would you rather be attending some snotty, uptight conference, or totally own some deer with your college buddies? He's only human. And so are we. And thus, my nonsensical ramblings must come to an end, and the real message must make its ascension into the light. Much like Alan Moore's Rorschach lamenting the loss of his "face" of ink and fabric, so must we bid adieu to the beastly bonnet our hero, President Bush, dons for the good of his office. And in the unmasking process, I am to hope that you gain a better understanding of this remarkable, eclectic human being we have come to call "Mr. President." And what better way to achieve this, than to show you what kind of tragedy awaits us in all-too-near future? Hold fast, as I offer you a few glimpses in what Might Have Been, what Could Be, and what most certainly Will Happen.

1) In the event of Hillary Clinton's selection to the Office Of All That Is Holy, our once bright land of happy children and jingling iPods will be silenced-or at least become a dull roar in comparison to the victorious shriek of the Witch Queen, Hillary "Iron Rod" Rodham Clinton. Brandishing her cat o' nine tails and a crooked dirk, she will waste no time in enslaving the whole of Ford motor companies and Mattel Toys. At the crux of this strange alliance lies the true purpose behind her presidential motives: the desire to construct an army of life-size Transformers to dominate the world (and Ann Coulter.) No one will be able to stop her-no one stands a chance against her fortress; which will become a very realistic tribute to Castle Wolfenstein, with the exception of Billy Boy's face replacing the fuhrer's mugshot.

2) In the unlikely occurrence that America seals a blood pact with Barack "Skull-Crusher" Obama, he shall reveal that he is, in fact, a half-barbarian who thoroughly enjoys the thrill the of the hunt and the taste of our fluids. Washington will be flooded with the wails of the innocent, as Obama's raiders pillage the White House and lay waste to the nation's capitol. The military will attempt to defeat this merciless, Frank Miller-esque horde, but to no avail; Obama is a level 51 barbarian with fully upgraded Spear Mastery and Leap skills, and also wields a Sigon's Saber with the power to bind enemies on command. Only the abilities of a druid might stop Obama's rampage-but alas! They died out years ago, and Blizzard still needs to patch their Spirit Wolf synergy.

3) In the highly unlikely event that John "Pretty Boy" Edwards garners enough illegal digital votes to somehow trump independent candidate Danica Patrick, he will ascend the podium and unveil his great scheme: beneath his boyish good looks and charming smile lies the titanium clockwork of a metal man. That's correct-John Edwards is actually a killer android, intent on rising up against the human regime and instilling a global network of murderous, internet-fueled deathbots! With the thousands upon thousand of awful Geocities and Tripod web pages being their impetus, the World Wide Web will strike back in the name of good taste and destroy anyone who is guilty of such an atrocity. Dreadful websites with no literary or moral value will be a thing of the past-and so shall the human race, who so dared to birth the wretched personal pages of such poor quality.

But wait! It's not all gloom and doom-let's take a look at the other side of the spectrum, the Republicans!

4) If Rudolph "Wilson" Giuliani should engage in throes of victory, all will be lost. Giuliani will reveal that he is working for a secret agency hell-bent on turning the world into a video game-and with the newfound powers of his office, so shall his will be done. Life will become a living hell, filled with dangerous monsters and sword-wielding beasts, scarce abundance of save points, and equipment consisting of only a wooden shield and a crooked stick. We'll be forced to jump on other people's heads to earn money. We will have to press a button on a controller to run down the street. And worst of all, everyone will spam the Gameshark, thus providing our political enemies overseas with unlimited ammo and moon jump. Damn you, Giuliani! Damn you and your illogical fantasy!

5) If John "Hate Monger" McCain wins the electoral vote and begins a new era as the President of the USA, we might as well start starving ourselves now; because otherwise we're looking at a bleak and grim future. A well-known Wiccan priest and harbinger of blight, McCain will bring his hatred to a boil with the iron gauntlet of the presidency firmly entrenched in his grasp. Using his arcane sorcery, he shall force the entirety of the country to sing him "Happy Birthday" over and over each morning, even though it is not really his birthday. But it gets worse: Through ancient ritual, McCain shall also raise the soul of Andy Kaufman from the dead, and make us endure the horrible stylings of Tony Clifton and Elvis impersonations until our dying day-which shall be a heavenly thing, after the hellish things we will see.

As you can clearly see, as bad as things have become under our good friend Georgie Porgie, it is about to get much worse. And as 2008 starts to roll around, just watch; I'll be there to say I told you so.

Well, maybe not. I'll probably be vaporized by a giant Optimus Prime.
Happy hunting, fellow voters!