Presidential Posterior Scrutinized

Cheney became the head of state today while the 43rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush, underwent a colonoscopy conducted at Camp David, is the same place that Bush had a colonoscopy five years ago when he first handed Cheney the reins of power. The single other time command was ever transferred for medicinal reasons was in 1981, when Ronald Reagan was struck down by a bullet.

In the political satire cartoon strip "Doonesbury," Roland Hedley reported live from within Ronald Reagan's Brain. One can only speculate the customary field day by frivolous political commentators who relish toying with the dignity associated with the office of the President. Conceivably, the writers for the "The Daily Show" have already taken into account, jokes regarding an "Ipod Ihand" that is remotely controlled by Cheney.

For those who never had a colonoscopy, standard preparatory instructions prior to the scheduled endoscopy is fasting, drinking clear liquids only. Vichyssoise is prohibited but vodka is apparently allowed in moderation.

As the person who is about to be scoped out enters the colonscopic room, the patient will look upon the performing gastroenterologist and assistant who appear dressed for a category five hurricane. On top of the usual medical attire is a clear one-time-use raincoat scrub and rubber gloves with arm length cuffed sleeves over the plastic coat and rubber gloves. Underneath the medical apron, are disposable hip high galoshes. Worn on top of the head, there is a full-face visor that flips up like a welder's mask. Apparently, not all endoscopic patients vigorously follow the fasting instructions. One can only surmise that the gastroenterologist and assistant assume the patient has the intestinal capacity of an African elephant.

The patient is sedated for two reasons, relaxation and to blur the memory of this inglorious exploratory.

The typical endoscope spans six feet long and is a little over 1/2 Inch wide. The endoscope contains bundled fiber optics whose images are integrated digitally for state-of-the-art 26" LCD-TV that projects the insides of the large intestine in full color. One TV is for monitoring the insufflation, (air blown up into the bowels) and water flushing. The second monitor is the visual data of the snare wire or forceps, The third is the endoscope itself, which is able to bend at the very tip like a snake head in attack position.

When the lubricated endoscope is first inserted, what is initially seen are the blue varicose veins commonly called hemorrhoids. Threading past the ring valves and continuing up the descending colon, the transverse colon goes horizontally across the torso and makes a second turn down the ascending colon, where there is a dark blue discoloration because the liver is sitting right on top of it. Snaking down the ascending colon, the endoscope is able to reach all the way to the small intestines after three 90º turns. When the endoscope is slowly pulled out, that is when the cutting or scraping is done as the endoscope is slithered out backwards.