Pretty in or Pretty Out?

"Read Julia Mitchell's guide to dropping pounds quickly", "My friend called me skinny, and I cheered". It surrounds me. Get thin quick. Lose the weight, just do it now, do it quickly, and it will all be over. It is never that simple.

I have battled weight problems my entire life. I hit a very early puberty at 10 years of age, and was the awkward girl with boobs, smelly armpits, and a menstruation cycle. I gained weight along with puberty, and in my pre-teens had to shop in the plus size junior section. The spring before I turned 16, I packed my lunch every day, and walked after school. I dropped 30 pounds and hit my lowest size, 6. Over the next few years, however, I quickly packed on the pounds. My activity level remained high with marching band and exercise, but I could not control the weight gain. The same year I lost the weight, I was prescribed birth control pills due to a persistent case of rupturing ovarian cysts. 10 years later, I'm 100 pounds heavier.

This past winter, even while going on anti-depressants, I was able to lose 30 pounds by exercising 3-5 times a week and eating a strict diet of no more than 1200-1500 calories a week and limiting my fat and carbs. After 4 months of this, I tried to work into a normal routine that wasn't quite so restrictive, and with that, I've gained half of the weight back that I originally lost.

I am surrounded by the constant assumption, belief, and expectation that I should lose weight; that I should want to be skinnier and healthier, that everyone should be a certain size called "skinny" and that we all need to lose weight as fast as the contestants on The Biggest Loser. Last winter I was a success story, but can I keep it up? Must I always DIET?

Healthy is what I want to focus on, but it becomes increasingly difficult when all that is shoved in my face are image conscious goals. People wanting to fit into the dream wedding dress, friends wanting to lose their baby weight, women seeing themselves as fat no matter what size or weight they are. Where do we say "Man, I wish I could lower my BMI!" or "I'd love to not have hereditary high cholesterol". It is very frustrating to set goals for myself to be internally healthy when I rarely read about any of those goals. Instead, my face is forced to view images of skinnier than candy cane actresses, and fitness instructors who have sold out.

As I wean myself off of anti-depressants, and deal with the fact that I may never be able to go permanently off of birth control, I need to find ways to integrate a healthy lifestyle against these limitations. I have begun a couch to 5k program, focusing my energies on getting my heart in better shape to run a 5k for a non-profit in which I want to support.

I never want my health goals and objectives to make be about a dress, or my bulging belly. I would rather it be about being here, alive, for the ones I love. I want it to be for increasing my energy to hike the mountains I want to visit. While I want to look pretty, feeling pretty is much more important. Pretty should be about a strong beating heart and joints and muscles that can carry me to places yet unseen.