Prison Wives: Taking Care of Your Kids

When the father of your children is in prison, you must take certain precautions against harm and socially negative influence on your kids. You must cultivate a scenario of warmth, non-judgment and caring. Your reputation in the community must be solid, which means dependable and reliable, not necessarily climbing up the social ladder. You must think of how well your children will be able to function in society before you think of your own functioning.

Their safety. The first thing you must do if your husband, boyfriend or ex is in prison is to do a lot of initial damage control. Get plenty of sleep so that you do not appear in public tired, drawn, stressed out or look like you have been crying. Remember how you acted before they went to prison and keep up that façade no matter what. Not only will it normalize things for you and your children, but it will help others to temporarily forget about the situation you are in. And the sooner they begin to forget about that and continue to see the real you, the sooner they will accept your position without judgment or pity.

Secondly, you must protect your children from people such as the victim, family or friends of the victim, and the general, curious as well as judgmental public. Their peers will be extremely curious about what happened, and as is the case in most circumstances, other children will not know how to bring up the subject. This means that they will either fall into silent curiosity or they will "test" the strength and weakness of your kids by engaging in a little mocking or accusation.

Either way, your child will only see this as judgment or outright rejection. If they believe this, they will act in a way that confirms weakness and outcast status among their peers, and things will continue to cycle downward. You can prevent this by forewarning your kids of what their peers may test them with, explain why they are testing them and that this is not outright rejection, and practice reactions which will solidify their place among their social groups. Practicing reactions with them should also include going over body language with them. Walking or sitting with shoulders hunched over, head down, looking down, and with unsure steps practically screams "worthless" to other children and should be carefully guarded against.

Their socialization. Many people believe incorrectly that if they drop off of the social scene for a little while, they can come back with a bang and everyone will have forgotten about their past. This is incorrect because everyone focuses on the last thing they have heard or seen concerning someone. If the last thing others have seen is your man being taken away and then you drop out of the social scene, it will make you look pretty bad or at least pitiful in the minds of others. Avoid being uptight, strained or false because these traits will show up to curious eyes. Express genuine happiness, peace, clarity and joy.

Your kids may be affected by the prison situation because of the reactions of other parents or other kids. Quickly and efficiently make preparations for new income and perhaps a new type of lifestyle, but otherwise keep their schedules going as is. Be extra careful to be extremely dependable and reliable at this time, because showing up late, hurried or harried will instantly be associated with your new situation in the minds of others.

Their education. Whether your children are attending public or private school or whether you are home schooling them, you will need to tweak their education a little to fit their circumstances. Keep their heads a little bit in the finer world by taking them to the symphony, opera and ballet. This world is one of culture and refinement, and it is useful for them to have a taste of it as incentive to stay out of the other world. You cannot raise your children by constantly forbidding them of what they should not do. Forbidding is useless entirely if an alternative is not offered to replace the wrong action. Taking them to museums and concerts, reading with them, listening to their opinions with respect, and treating them fairly and equally will show them alternative worlds and behavior.

At this point, I want to mention the issue of respect. If you do not show respect and love and admiration for their father, they will not learn it on their own. They are not capable of learning this on their own. You must sincerely and quietly model this behavior or they will not show respect, love or admiration to either parent. I know, I know. You do not want them to think that it is okay for someone to do what put their father in prison. You must understand, though, that this absence of respect is just another form of forbidding. If you model respect, then you are showing them an alternative to their father's actions.

Raising your kids with only one income and a father in prison is going to be hard. It does not have to remain difficult, however. You can protect your children from strangers and from the influences of friends. You can raise them with high moral standards, and you can place worlds of refinement at their feet. And don't forget to treat their father as you would have them treat you.

Source:

http://www.dc.state.ks.us/