Product Review: Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans

At least, I hope some of the flavors are artificial in Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, the jelly beans popularized by the immensely successful "Harry Potter" books and movies. Otherwise, that's really someone's vomit I'm eating. And after overcoming my revulsion and washing away the repulsive taste with a quick swig of Coca-Cola, I eat the next one -- who knows what that one is?

Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans offer a variety of, ah, interesting flavors. Booger. Earwax. Rotten Egg. Like Harry's friend Ron Weasley says in the first book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (or Philosopher's Stone to those of you across the pond), "When they say every flavor, they mean every flavor." Sometimes you know what's coming, because a practiced eye can tell by the jelly bean's color. Sometimes it's something new to you and it's the luck of the draw.

All fun aside, there are normal Every Flavor Bean flavors -- cherry, lemon, etc. And Every Flavor Beans are made by Jelly Belly, which means they're probably the highest quality jelly beans you'll find. Jelly Belly is not the cheapest jelly bean maker, but it's far and away the best.

But it says something about a box of jelly beans when you might actually be relieved to get one that tastes like black pepper. And that's OK. People buy Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans because they're in "Harry Potter," and eating them brings home a little bit of the "Harry Potter" universe, bizarre twists and all. There is a whole line of candy inspired by J.K. Rowling's series, including Fizzing Whizbees and Chocolate Frogs.

And in a way, making some of the flavors completely and utterly repulsive is a remarkably clever marketing trick. You can't help but be curious about jelly beans flavored like sausage, dirt and soap (I assure you, I'm not making up these delectable varieties). It seems like there are a thousand brands of jelly beans out there with the ordinary flavors. But who can match Bertie Bott's unique selection? Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans are like passing a car crash on the highway -- it's terrible to see, but you can't help but stare. In fact, that would be a good advertising slogan: "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans: They're Like a Car Wreck In Your Mouth."

Something tells me that one won't catch on any time soon. But Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans should keep selling for years to come.

Well, at least as long as there are people out there willing to try a jelly bean that tastes like vomit.