Product Review: Virginia Slims Light Menthol Cigarettes

The well is a little dry today. As I sip my coffee and light up, I fondle my cigarette pack/box. I quit smoking each night, only to take it up again rather than snapping someone's neck. I'm thinking since my fate is pretty much sealed after all these years of puffing away, I might get a little mileage out of these nasty crutches and write a product review.

Virginia Slims Light Menthol Cigarettes come in a pretty box that is quite easy to unwrap, which is a surprise since I can't get into healthy products without a pick-axe or a bomb. It's kind of fun unzipping that little band, but it does stick to my fingers and I end up shaking my hand several times to get it off, much like freckling a booger.

The protective foil is a calming shade of turquoise, which is striking in contrast to the stark white filters of death. I find it difficult to read all the warnings on the pack without my glasses and wonder if this might be of help to me when I sue Phillip Morris for my own stupidity. Of course, I know all the warnings. Little kids can tell me what a moron I am for smoking, for crying out loud.

The last carton I bought has nice little elf sized booklets tucked inside the cellophane advertising cool clothes and handbags, and telling me why I shouldn't be smoking. I can't understand why a tobacco company would advertise ways to quit smoking. Wouldn't that be like me titling this article "Do Not Read!"? It sounds eerily like another government conspiracy to me. I wonder if President Oh,mama (hee hee) gets his cancer sticks for free.

I slide the skinny bitch stick out of the pack and closely examine it to make sure there are no holes in it. There is nothing more maddening than sucking my cheeks in toward my ears and realizing there is a pinhole in my product. I place it between my teeth (any real smoker holds their cigarette in their teeth) and touch it off with my trusty torch that at times singes my eyelashes. A big cloud of smoke envelopes me and my eyes water as I wave away all that stinking smoke. You don't think I want to breathe that stuff in, do you?

I suck the first drag in to my toes and grab hold of the door casing to prevent myself from tipping over. A coughing jag erupts from my black lungs and while covering my mouth with my elbow (to avoid spreading swine flu). I burn two fingers because the filter stuck to my lip. You smokers know what I'm talking about.

The brightly colored orange glowing butt drops to the floor, meaning I have to bend over to pick it up to continue smoking. If anything thinks this is easy, I'm here to tell you it requires pure dedication to continue with this back breaking habit.

The pinging of a few more arteries snapping in my head has eased and I can finally see straight. I've come a long way baby. My coughing jag has subsided, and I'm just about done with my first fix for the day. The Surgeon General's warning doesn't really do much in persuading me that this is a danger to my health. My pack only says cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide. Hmmm, I'm not sure, but doesn't car exhaust? I guess if they outlaw cigarettes, I could always latch on to my exhaust pipe and inhale a few times. At least that would be free.

Well, that's my review. I just quit again, for what will be a minimum of an hour, until I go back to sweating like a stuck pig and ripping people's faces off. I give Virginia Slims Light Menthol cigarettes an A+ for me and an F - for everyone else.

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