Products They Should Invent

Recently a fellow Associated Content producer (The Barefoot) wrote an article on useless inventions that are marketed on TV-- some of the "As Seen On TV" products. He debunked a few and made fun of others. It was a great article, and it got me thinking... that there are products that need to invented and marketed on TV, such as:

1. The Heated Toilet Seat. Unless you own a cushioned toilet seat, you know that in the winter you roll out of bed, are half awake, go sit on the toilet and well, once you sit on that toilet seat --YOU'RE AWAKE! It's like an iceberg floated underneath you! This toilet seat warms up in five seconds so you don't have to worry about having a frost bitten butt.

2. The Talking Toilet Seat. This is for those people who can't aim. Expressions include "Could you aim for my mouth?" "How about getting it in the bowl?" and "Oh my G-d, did that come out of you?!

3. The Fart Diffuser. You are having a holiday party. There are about thirty people in a small area. Usually if one person farts the rest of the party suffers. Dogs are blamed. Windows are opened. Candles are lit. Sprays are dispensed, so much so that you choke on them. Instead of doing all that, why not just have a little plug in device that senses when someone farts and sprays a rosy scent.

4. The Fart Alarm. Also a plug in device, it detects when a potential silent but deadly stinker is going to be expelled. Once someone farts, before the stench is dispersed amongst the room (hot air rises), the alarm yells *Danger: Fart Unleashed* a few times.

This would be great for the family that eats a lot of cabbage and dogs that eat grass (chlorophyll farts are just as bad).

5. The Butt Massager. I don't know about you, but on occasion while I am sitting and spending a lot of time at the computer or doing a lot of driving my tushy falls asleep. As of now I don't have a mate I can ask to rub it, though I doubt he'd want to. So I say someone should invent a pair of electronic hands you sit on, that massages your butt.

6. A Computer That Always Works. No more error messages. People can't hack into your computer. No more malfunctions. It works, simply because someone invented a computer that could do that. Imagine that!

7. A Money Tree. Who says money can't grow on trees? No not one of those plastic things you attach bills to. No, this is tree comes from a money seed. See, you plant four quarters and you get a tree that produces dollar bills every few months. It only works with quarters and you can only plant up to four trees at a time. Don't try planting nickels, dimes, or pennies. Buffalo nickels will give you a pile of dung. Sacagawea Dollars will teleport you westward, but if you live in the west they don't work. Half-dollars will only give you half a tree.

　

8. Tooth Fillings. Sick of trying to find a dentist? Sick of getting to the dentist and being terrified of someone poking around in your mouth? How about over-the-counter tooth fillings that just sort of snap into or are glued into place? No hassle. No mess. No drill.

9. Bathrooms for Vehicles. Ok yes, there are rest stops along interstates, and of course driving locally you can stop at a restaurant, but have you ever seen some of those toilets? I mean I am surprised people go within one centimeter of some of those toilets. Why not have toilets that are built into your car, van or whatever vehicle you have? Worried about the stench? There is none. It's odor free--how? I don't know. I haven't worked out that detail. However, your waste can be used to fuel your car. Got to pee? Go fill up your tank.

10. A Teleportation Device. This is for people who, like myself, do not fly and have friends around the world. Say I want to meet one of my friends from Australia around the corner from her house. I just type in the location and speak in to the contraption, and in true Star Trek fashion say "Beam me up, Scotty," and poof I'm in Australia. Drop bears not included.