Prom 2008: To Attend or to Sit it Out? One Answer Doesn't Fit All!

It's spring, and while a young man's fancy may become hormonally challenged, for young women across the nation, it's Prom time. I truly do remember my own senior prom, which was literally decades ago, because of all that went wrong with it. My date was shorter than I, and I forgot to buy flat shoes. My dress, which I had picked out on my own, was just okay. Most of all, I remember coming home from the hairdresser's with a new do that made me look like Madeline Kahn in "Young Frankenstein". Less than an hour before my date was to arrive, I was furiously trying to just DRY my hair, let alone put it in any kind of a style. It's funny the things that you remember from an experience like a prom. I remember the things that didn't go so well, but certainly weren't disasters. I have a vaguely pleasant memory of a very nice - but not spectacular - evening. I have no idea whatever happened to my prom dress, or the jewelry that I wore that evening. I have no idea whatever happened to the nice young man with whom I attended my prom. (Wherever he is, I wish him well!)

As the mother of daughters who've been there, done that with both junior and senior proms in more recent times, thankfully, I'd like to share some suggestions on how to best approach your upcoming prom.

Do you REALLY want to attend your prom? Are you going just because you're feeling pressured by your peers or your parents? For whatever reason, are you dreading the event? Don't give in to the pressure; you're guaranteed to be miserable if you do. Remember, thousands upon thousands of very successful, highly respected women chose not to attend their proms for a variety of reasons - and they did indeed live happily ever after. No one ever died because they didn't go to their senior prom.

Will you be going with a date or with a group of friends? While you may think that you have time to make up your mind, the truth is that you really don't. There's a wider circle of events that you must deal with if you're going with a date, with a group, or alone. Think a limousine, pre prom photos, where you're going after the prom, signing up for a table for the prom, and more. I've known kids who had made 'pacts' with friends who just happened to be boys that if neither of them had 'steady' boy/girl friends for their senior prom, they would go together - and they did. This is pretty rare, though. If you would like to go with a date but aren't seeing anyone on a regular basis, ASK someone. Do your homework before: is he/she dating someone else, is he/she in your 'inner' circle of friends or do you barely know them? How, and where, do you know this person? Is he/she a friend of a friend, someone you've met but would like to get to know better? Subtly check out as much as you can before you ask someone to your prom. Remember, it's not just a one night commitment: it's also a fair amount of commitment on their part as well as yours in terms of money and planning. Don't put it off. The longer you do, the harder it will be for you. Whatever you do, do it in person - not in a group where either or both of you could become embarrassed, and preferably not on line or via email/Facebook. Put yourself in the other person's place: would you want someone to invite you to their prom by way of a Facebook post? And speaking of Facebook: I recently saw a personal post by one of my daughter's classmates stating that "Kira ___________ is (insert state of mind here) looking for a prom date". Don't do that. It makes you look desperate and vulnerable. Ask you friends for suggestions about whom to ask. Ask your friends' significant others the same question as well. The sooner you can lock into that time-worn adage 'stag or drag', the better you can plan for your prom. If the person you ask says no, for whatever reason, move on. It wasn't meant to be, so don't dwell on it. Ask someone else instead of brooding in your room.

Remember, no one ever died because they went to their prom with a group of their best friends. No one ever died because they went to their prom alone and met up with friends there. This one evening isn't going to change your life forever. Whatever decision you make will not turn you into a social pariah either. Make whatever arrangements you choose at least a month before the prom, if not earlier. Whatever decision you do chose, don't regret it.

Plan as early as you can! Get a folder (the ones with two inner pockets are great, and you probably have an extra one lying around your room). Before you get t your heart set on a certain dress, or a certain hair stylist, or an expensive limousine service - check with your parents/guardians or whomever is footing the bill for this. If you're paying for your prom yourself, set yourself a budget and stick to it. Write out your budget - how much you can or have to spend - on a piece of paper and stick it into the folder. Now you can start thinking about...

Prom gowns, your hair, nails, shoes, all of those little incidentals that can add up really quickly. Rather than spending $9.00 on a current edition of "Prom 2008" magazine, borrow it from a friend. Go online and look for gowns or dresses. Take a good, hard look at your body type: do you want a ball gown (one of my girls did wear a Barbie pink frou-frou gown a few years ago. For her, it worked really well. For my other girls, the look would have been a disaster.) For this evening, you want to be yourself - but dressed up, not turned into someone else's version of what you should look like (this hint is intended for moms and girlfriends everywhere!). You know what your best features are and what they aren't. If you want your arms or shoulders covered, so be it. If you look terrible in yellow or green, don't even consider the most beautiful gown you've ever seen if it's in that color. DO see if it comes in another color, though.

Go to Ebay and see what's listed. At the very least you'll come away with an idea of prices and styles, and you can also print out any dresses that you see there that you really like, even if it's not your color/size. You might find it somewhere else. Another good online source is www.edressme.com. This is a New York City company which started years ago doing celebrity dresses' knockoffs - which they still do. They also design for other very well known designers, and have their own line of clothing as well. If you live close to the NYC area, you might want to make an appointment to go by their design studio in the garment district. They have tons of sample and on-sale items there that you can actually try on. You can also have them custom-make your dress if you give them enough advance notice. Go to the better department stores' web sites (Neimann Marcus, Bergdorf Goodman, Saks) to see what they're carrying this season. Again, print off photos of dresses that catch your eye and keep them in your folder.

The only problem with buying a dress online, as we all know by now, is the fit. Unless you are absolutely, 100% positive that you're a true size 6 or 8 or 12 in a certain designer's line, you're going to have to pay to have the dress altered. Read the fine print on the SIZING very carefully. Don't just assume that because it's a size 6 in your favorite designer's line it will automatically fit. A lot of higher end, special occasion dresses have extra 'bling' to them that might make it hard to be altered - a halter top that fits just so, heavy beading in a certain part of the bodice that really can't be taken apart without the entire dress having to be re-done or re-beaded. Sometimes - but not always - you can return a dress that you've ordered online if it really doesn't fit, you don't like it, or it can't be altered. Whatever you do, CHECK FIRST to make sure that you can return it in its original state. Many Ebay sellers won't accept returns for any reasons, and other online sites may or may not accept returns, but will charge you for shipping/handling if they do.

You might also be receiving brochures in the mail from your area prom dress stores. (Lord knows after all of the proms my girls have attended, now that we're down to the very last one with her senior prom, we have at least six brochures so far from stores with whom we've dealt in the past.) Don't toss them; take a look to see if they have anything of interest to you, and stick the brochure in the folder as well.

Lock in on the color(s) of your dress first. Then, lock in on a style. Limit yourself to three colors and three styles.

This doesn't mean that it something right out of the blue comes across your path, you should not consider it; just remember, that rarely happens, unfortunately. It's actually hard work coming up with just the right look.

The fewer people with whom you shop, the more productive you'll be. You may or may not have to have the person who's paying for your dress accompany you. If you need their final approval before you can purchase an item, have the saleswoman hold the dress (and actually make her physically take it out of stock!) for you. (You might be asked to leave a small, refundable deposit then.) Get approval on the dress as soon as possible, if you're sure it's the one you really, really love and is just perfect. It's not fair to other people to hold the dress for 3 weeks and then decide not to come back for a second look. Make sure that the saleswoman has your name and telephone number, as well as that of the person who'll be picking up the tab.

The list goes on - and on, and on - of ways to help make your prom a memorable one -

If you're planning on having your hair AND makeup done at the same salon, CALL EARLY for an appointment. Your local salons will all be getting book quite a while in advance. You want to make sure that you get your services done in this order: 1. Nails 2. Hair 3. Makeup. Otherwise, and this has happened to us, you'll be getting shampooed in full make up, or having to sit around with your makeup applied for an hour or longer before your hair stylist is ready for you. Timing is key here - you're trying to get 3 services done at the same salon on a very busy day!

Don't forget flowers! Ladies, if you're going with a date, order his boutennaire at least a week before the day of the prom. Most girls order one or two (no more than two!) carnations or white roses; you can have the carnations dyed to match your date's vest, or select roses that will complement it as well.

Don't waste a lot of money on expensive shoes or hosiery. Chances are very high that you'll just kick off your shoes once you get to the prom for dancing. Better to spend your money on something that people will actually see, rather than something tucked away under your table or chair.

Consider the height of your date. If you're 6' feet and he's 5'10", you're wearing flats. If he's 6' feet and you're 5'5", you're wearing some sort of heels. The idea is to make a statement of a balanced sense of proportion.

Don't wear a tiara. Ever. Unless you're the Queen of England, in which case it's mandatory.

If you can swing it, opt for a limousine or a bus, some kind of transportation that will make the evening more fun and less stressful. Again, check into this early! Get a group together and share the cost of a large limo or even bus. The options are amazing these days, including stretch Hummers. When you split the cost among 8, 10 or more couples (depending on the size of the vehicle), it's really the best option for getting to and from prom for everyone concerned (especially parents!)

Make firm, definitive plans for photos. Decide where pre-prom pictures will be taken. If you're going with a group, have everyone meet at a specific time at the chosen house. Sometimes, there will be very pretty parks, churches or other locations where you can have your photos taken against a lush backscape, so keep that in mind, too.

Have someone - a parent, sibling, friend - line the group up for group photos. It's nearly impossible for prom-goers themselves to do this, with everything else on their mind. You want a 'smooth' look to the group photos: taller couples on the outside at each end, evening out at the middle.

Some cute ideas for group photos: boys standing next to their dates; boys standing behind their dates; all of the guys standing together with their arms around each other's shoulders; boys with their arms around their date's waist from behind; boys behind their dates, with their backs to them - have them turn from the shoulder and look over their backs for the photo!

Photos taken around a pool can be really fun, too. Use any of the above ideas, having everyone standing not in a straight line, but around the shape of the pool.

Group photos of you and your friends are one thing you'll really treasure. Have all of the girls standing on a stairway, with the tallest girl at the bottom, working their way up. You can do this with one girl on each step, or two girls per step, going up from the bottom.

Take a photo of the girls standing together holding hands. You can do this from the front (nice to get a good angle of everyone's dress!), or with the girls' backs to the camera, looking over their shoulders. If you're doing indoor photos and there's enough seating, have the guys seated in a chair, with their date standing next to him, hand on the top of the chair, for an old-fashioned look. Whatever looks, staged or impromptu, that you use, make sure that someone takes a lot of photos. Chances are pretty good that at least one or more couples forgot to bring their own camera, and this group photo will be the only one they have of themselves at prom.

Parents: if you've offered to have pre-prom photos at your home, it's a gracious touch to have coffee and/or soft drinks, iced tea, lemonade, for the other parents who will be coming to take photos at your home. Cookies, cheese and crackers, any small, light snack would also be welcomed, since the timing will most likely be around normal dinner times.

Finding that prom dresses and gown are too expensive, especially for something you'll wear for just one evening? Consider borrowing a dress from friends or relatives, especially those with several girls in the family! Check out your local thrift store for a vintage find. Also check out your town's higher-end consignment shops; a lot of times, girls have purchased a dress that wasn't returnable, or was worn once, and are looking to recoup some of the money they spent on it. You'll be pleasantly surprised by what you can find. Google an online search for area consignment shops; you might want to call them first to see what they might have in stock rather than wasting your time to make a trip out there.

If you do opt to buy a gown from perhaps the only high-end formal wear shop in your town, make sure that the sales clerk notes that your particular dress has been purchased by someone attending your specific prom. Actually, you'll find that most of these specialty stores do keep a list of which dresses in which colors have already been purchased for every area school's prom.

Don't forget a purse! Clutches are really popular this year, and come in a variety of styles, colors and price ranges. Even better, see if you can borrow a clutch for the evening. You'll need something large enough to hold a cell phone, some makeup, a tiny brush, and a small amount of cash or a credit card. You don't want a bag so large that it takes away from your gown, but you don't want one that is so small, it's useless. While you're at the consignment and thrift stores, check out their selection of clutches and tiny bags as well. These, too, are great 'dumping grounds' for pricey items that someone else paid a small fortune to buy, and used only once. (The same may hold true for shoes as well, but your chances of finding dressy shoes in just the right color, heel and style pretty low.)

If you haven't met your date's parents or guardian before the prom, take five minutes of your time to call and introduce yourself. The same may hold true for your own parent/guardian as well.

Quick question: You're a freshman girl, and you've been asked to the prom by a senior boy - what do you do? First of all, you do - nothing. Do not give an answer right then and there. Be pleasant, be gracious, be sure to say that you'll respond/get back to him within a day, but do not immediately say yes. Any boy who is a high school senior and is asking a freshman girl to his prom may not be the ideal first prom date for you. He MAY be a perfectly nice guy who's been secretly smitten with you all year, and has been just dying to ask you to his prom. OR, he may have what we refer to as 'relationship problems' - there might be some character flaw that prevents him from dating girls in his own class or girls closer in age. There's a huge age and emotional difference between a 14 year old girl and an 18 year old boy. Yes, you'll be flattered, and you can say that. But that doesn't mean you should say yes until you - or your friends and family - have done a little or a lot of checking into who he is. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Don't feel that just because you've been asked and turned down an invitation in this situation - or your wise parents have made it clear that you will - no one will ever ask you to the prom again. They will. Once more, no one ever died because they turned down an invitation to attend the prom for good reasons.

Whatever decision you ultimately make - to attend the prom with a group of your best girl friends, to go with a date, or to spend the evening doing something else that more interests you - remember that for you, it is - and was -the right decision. Don't second-guess yourself once you've made the decision. If you are attending your prom, have a wonderful and safe time! And if you've decided not to attend, for whatever reasons, just remember: it's not the most important event of your life. There is so much ahead of you!