Proper Disposal of a "Dead" Zombie

You heard the shots, saw the suspicious happenings on the news, and now you are being stalked by the greatest enemy to mankind, besides mankind.

Zombies.

You did your research. You learned how the virus spread. You learned that any individual unfortunate enough to get bitten would join the ranks of the Undead, and proceed to consume any living thing, preferably humans.

But wait, all this just happens to "other people," and you are safe and sound, sheltered by your brick suburban home, while other humans of this earth, in their brick suburban homes, are being mauled and eaten. You could be next.

But let's not be too hasty, you have a firearm , and zombies are dispatched by head shots because the brain is still the dominant organ of the body and is just as fragile as yours or mine when a bullet interrupts your thought processes. As long as you keep your head and shoot theirs, you should be fine.

The real dilemma comes when you have to dispose of the "dead" ghoul.

Zombies, being medically "dead," are not the cleanest cadavers of God's Green Earth. Weeks upon months of the zombie roaming aimlessly around, devouring humans and animals alike, have left this abomination of nature in a state of stench and contamination . Not the zombie so much, but the undigested contents of its stomach and intestines do leave a slightly unpleasant odor as rotting meat sometimes does. It is considered a health hazard to leave a dead cat or raccoon anywhere, so please do not forget about the corpse sprawled in the middle of your St. Augustine.

These next few methods will help you dispose of your zombie properly and without hazard to Americans' ever so precious health.

Method 1.

The funeral.

The deceased ghoul can be disposed of in the same method as deceased humans are, minus the traditional ceremony. You can simply bury your zombie, in the front yard or the back, under the house, or in the garden.
Please take great caution in handling the body, however. The virus is still present in its system, and if you happen to have an open wound, and then press your skin against the lifeless zombie's, the next step would be putting the gun to your own head. Wear gloves, and if your local military surplus stores carry them, purchase a bio-hazard suit. Yes, you may look ridiculous parading around in your front lawn, sporting the newest style of olive drab, but would you rather keep your reputation or your life? If you cannot afford these, or if you do not have access to one, go to the nearest hardware store and buy yards of the thick, clear plastic used to keep building sites dry from rain and other liquids such as paint, and proceed to shroud yourself in it. Wear clothes that you do not mind burning later, but effectively cover most of your bare skin. Bury the ghoul at least four feet underground, preventing smells and dead hands from protruding. Ask a friend who you do not care for to help you drag the zombie to the burial site. Do not give him protective gear.

Method 2.

Cremation.

What better way to destroy the contaminated host of the virus than by burning it? This will completely destroy any remnants of the virus and reduce the body to ash to a small amount of ash. Using the bio-hazard suit or the one you threw together yourself, toss the body onto a bed of sticks, logs and other flammables. Continue to pile flammables on top to disguise the true nature of the bonfire. Invite some friends over, welcome them to bring their old wood too, and drink a few beers. Do not roast marshmallows. Drench in gasoline and fling a molotov cocktail, and watch the flames engulf everything. Any epidemic branching from that particular host will be nonexistent.

Method 3.

Go fishing.

If you do not have the property area to burn one, and if you are just too lazy to bury one, this next one should work for you. Find a pickup. If you own one, great. If not, borrow one. Use the bio-hazard suit mentioned earlier, and lug the body to the bed of the truck. Find a substantial body of water. Most cities and counties have a lake that their citizens visit for marine activities. If you live near the ocean, it will fare even better for you.
Simply tie some of your rarely used barbells to the body. Chain functions the best for attaching them. Drive out to a dock, back up to a cliff edge, and push the ghoul over the brink. Water, being the strongest eroding force on earth, will disintegrate the host over time. The weights will be an added plus, holding down the corpse to prevent it from resurfacing and eliciting commotion. I would recommend dumping in an area that swimmers do not venture to.

These are the safest and simplest methods to rid yourself of a slain ghoul. If apathy is your driving thought , just drag it somewhere else. This is not the safest or most discreet way, but hey, at least it no longer resides on your property and it can be some other poor soul's responsibility to destroy the corpse. The evidence may point back to you, however. It would be in your best interest and that of mankind's to comply with these suggestions and to assist mankind in extinguishing this fatal epidemic.