Proper Listening Principles: Fighting Fair, Giving and Gaining Respect

You have probably been made to feel silly or underappreciated during a conversation or argument because the other person was not listening to you and/or constantly interrupting you. You have also hopefully had the opposite experience of having your words and emotions validated by someone taking the time to comprehend you instead of just hearing you. You may not be able to make other people listen to you, but you can lead by example by listening to them when they speak (hopefully, others will eventually return the respect). You will be surprised at the influence you have on your environment by making use of a few basic principles of listening. In order to reduce stress and increase productivity and unity in your relationships (home, work, or otherwise) try to use the following practices in everything from ordinary conversations to heated debates and arguments with a friend or spouse.

L is for

Let the person you are talking to have their moment to explain themselves fully. The speaker will feel that you are concerned about them and their opinions or problems if you are giving them your exclusive attention. Exclusive means that you are not texting, watching TV, interrupting, singing, dancing or any such thing. The speaker's approach to a discussion or conflict may be different than yours; it is important to wholly listen to them, so as to track with them in their communication style. This requires an open mind and a great deal of patience at times. If you find yourself not able to tolerate listening to someone who has a different manner/technique than you do, this may be a lack of humility on your part, not a lack of intelligence on theirs. Even if the speaker is relaying the stresses of their day in a format that you wish they would abbreviate, stay with the conversation because understanding their mode of communication is a part of accepting them.

Iis for

Inquire about something they are saying only if you truly don't understand and need more clarification in order to see where they are coming from. Do not interrupt them to point out flaws in their logic. Do not ask them questions to secretly ferret out inconsistencies. If you let them speak, and only interrupt when you genuinely need illuminations on a point, then you will save yourself from the embarrassment of jumping to an incorrect conclusion before a point is adequately explained. If you are prone to caustic or sarcastic thoughts and comments, it is especially important for you to remain mouth closed and ears open to avoid damaging a relationship or hurting someone's feelings.

S is for

Stop formulating your response to them in your head while they are speaking. All too often in discussions, while the speaker is communicating, the listener is devising a "strategy of attack", or, at the very least they are planning what to say next. You cannot effectively listen and plan at the same time. Instead, wait until the speaker is done and ask them for a few moments while you gather your thoughts. This is not a sign of weakness, this actually communicates to the speaker that you were listening. The fact that you are putting time and thought in your response to them shows that you care about them and the issue at hand. When you are too quick to reply, it sends the subconscious message that you didn't listen very well, or that you were so anxious to get out your thoughts that you disregarded theirs.

T is for

Tell them by your nonverbal communication that they alone have your attention. Turn toward the person while they are speaking to you. Make eye contact with them, nod when you understand something. Smile at them when fitting; make sure to check your facials for any unintended scowls. Try not to tap your fingers, check your watch, look at the nearest clock, yawn incessantly, or give too much attention to the dinner you were eating or the music you were listening to. You may want to touch the person who is speaking to you dependent upon your relationship. Tune in to the person; let them know by your words (or lack thereof) and actions that you have a greater concern for them then other diversions or your own temporary comfort.

Eis for

Engage them into a deeper level of communication by asking them to elaborate a point or by asking, "How did that make you feel when...", or other questions that show you are not only listening, but that you want to have a handle on their thoughts and emotions or even identify with their issues. People are always pleasantly surprised when, after they have said their piece, you have questions that seem genuine and not posed to point our perceived character and logic shortcomings. Your response and feelings will have more weight with someone who feels that you did your best to understand and validate them.

N is for

Now that it is your turn to speak, remember to pause and prepare words that are thoughtful. Excess pride causes people to respond in such a way that makes others feel unintelligent or worthless. Even if you "know" you are correct, try speaking in an open, considerate tone. Always give some type of response; most likely, the speaker did not spend moments of their life talking with you in hopes of receiving your best poker face. People are generally looking for a reaction of some sort, whether it be simple affirmation or a shoulder to lean on, a full plan of action or explanation of past actions. If this relationship is extremely important to you, you can even ask them if they just want you to listen, or if they want you to help them figure out a solution for a problem, or if they need you to rationalize something you did or said. Make sure to recap some of their main points to them. This proves you were paying attention and gives you both a chance to see if a misinterpretation occurred.

If you let those around you fully explain their point of view, and if you take time to form a response that is humbly honest, uplifting, and genuine you will accomplish many things. You will raise their esteem of themselves and of you, you will communicate that you are someone they can rely on for sound judgment and just treatment, and you will show others the type of respect that you would like to be paid instead of having to tell them or nag them into it.