Protect ALL of Your Children

I recently had a conversation with a mother whose husband has sexually abused his step-daughter. The abuse happened many years ago and now the adult daughter is struggling in her daily life, even though she was in therapy in her teens for the abuse issues. This mother is trying to find as much help as possible for her adult daughter.

I listened to the heart's cry of this mother who was distressed and broken-hearted over her daughter's abuse. She is just as broken-hearted because of the symptoms that are played out on a daily basis in her daughter's life. She is seeking help and hope and is educating herself on the after-effects of childhood sexual abuse and incest.

Over the course of my own recovery period from incest and childhood sexual abuse, I have written a number of articles. Some of those articles dealt with the failure of my mother to properly respond to my needs both during and after my abuse.

I was born in the mid 1940s when sexual abuse and incest were very taboo subjects. I realize how much more difficult it was in those earlier days for my own mother to find a way to protect me while still being able to provide for my siblings. Things were a lot different back then. I'm not making excuses for my mother's failure to protect me because clearly, she should have done that. There were occasions in my abuse at the hands of my father, when my mother was also required to participate in my abuse. I still am unable to completely wrap my mind around all of that, but I do know it happened.

This brings me to the present day. My abuse happened a long time ago and my parents are both deceased. I spent most of my life struggling due to the effects of abuse in my life and even more years of time and energy trying to recover from the abuse. Even after my father passed away, my mother was not willing to help me with the recovery process, in fact, she did everything she could to impede my recovery.

The biggest difference in my situation and the mother I mentioned in the first paragraph is supportive in nature. This presented me with a very different scenario. I was happy to find a mother who wanted to help and support her daughter. It was refreshing and it is also a sign of our times today. I'm very glad that times have changed. I'm glad that mothers stand by their abused daughters. I know that not all mothers will do that, but it is nice to know that some will.

I tried to imagine how my own life would have been different had my mother come to my rescue. I couldn't even imagine. My mind just kept going back to the same things I've heard my mother say over and over again. Her concern was only for the provision of my brothers. What would have become of my brothers? I certainly did not want my brothers' lives to be messed up like mine was, so I kept the ugly secret of my own abuse. Later in life, in fact, many years later, I realized that all of my brothers' lives are just as messed up as mine had been. My mother did not save them from the effects of the abuse. She did not save any of her children.

I wish my mother had done things differently; I truly do. I applaud those mothers who have done the right things for their abused children. I know it is not easy, but some have done it anyway.

I wrote this article to help mothers who are at their wits' end. These are mothers who have a child who is being abused by their spouse or a close relative and they wonder how to handle the situation. I hope my example of a mother who tried to save some of her children at the expense of one child will shake you out of denial. I hope you will be able to see clearly that you cannot protect an abuser. You need to protect your children . . . all of your children.