Protecting Your Relationship from Your Past

We all have baggage. Even in our first real relationships, chances are that someone, somewhere has done something that has left us weary. It is sad, but it is unavoidable. To live and to love is to open ourselves up to the possibility of great pain, and all scars take time to fade.

What is worse than all of this baggage that we are dragging around? Taking the chance that it could ruin a good relationship is worse. Letting the baggage control our lives is much worse. While it is not easy to stop, it is not impossible, either.

Be Aware of Your Feelings

How, exactly, are you feeling? Are you annoyed, or are you mad? Do you feel that you may be more upset than this situation warrants? Are there other feelings involved, such as fear and hurt, or are you only frustrated?

Perhaps you are upset solely by this situation. Possibly you're under a lot of stress, or have had a bad day. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all of our problems were so clear-cut? Sometimes, though, your baggage may have popped up in the middle of your relationship. When you are aware of your self and your complete feelings about a situation, it is easier to actively investigate your motivations.

Consider Your Motivations

Does your current situation remind you of something in your past? If so, did that situation involve your current partner or someone else, either from your past or from a different area of your life?

Our minds are conditioned to make connections. So, when your mind recognizes a situation that you may have been in before, it draws natural conclusions that your current situation may lead you down the same path. Unfortunately, all this is happening behind the scenes. Your mind does not tell you what it is doing, or why it is doing it.

If you can look at what is going on behind the scenes, and you can really see why you feel the way you do, you are already a step closer to changing how you feel. You have regained the ability to stop your baggage from interfering with your relationship. It takes strength to say that the situation is not the real problem, that the real problem is with you. Identifying your baggage, not your relationship, as the source of your unpleasant feelings is not an instant cure. It is only the next step.

Acknowledge Your Baggage

The benefits of acknowledging your baggage, however, are instant. Saying "our relationship is not the problem; your behavior is not the problem; you are not the problem," to your partner unblocks the channels that your baggage has blocked. The love in your relationship can now flow feely again. You are now back in control of your life and of your relationship. Your baggage can only ruin things if your give it that power.

Yes, you may still hurt. Your baggage is still painful. It is no longer interrupting your relationship, though. It is much easier for your partner to support you when he or she is not busy defending against attacks. It will also probably be easier for you to turn to your partner for support once you have stopped viewing him or her as the problem, or as the source of your pain.

Begin to Move Forward

Now that you have found that the problem is your baggage, you may be tempted to turn away from the issue. Burying the past, where it belongs - in the past, can seem quite appealing. Ultimately, this is your decision to make, but before you walk away from the problem, consider the possibilities.

This baggage has already surfaced once - and has already interrupted your current relationship. There is a very real chance that if the baggage is not removed now, it will come back again. Besides this, the longer you keep your baggage, the more chances you are giving your baggage to cause you pain. It is up to you to decide if, and when, you are ready to deal with your baggage and let it go.

Remember that you can take control of your relationship. You do not have to lose something good to your baggage. Listen to your heart, and to your mind, and you can move in the direction that is best for you.