Protective Parent or Partner Power Struggles

Family dynamics are complicated to say the least. Parents have relationships with each other as lovers, as partners and as caregivers for their children. It's vital that parents keep personal power struggles out of their parenting decisions. All too often we see in psychology, families who are dysfunctional because the parents' relationship issues are played out on the family stage. The kids become bargaining tools, weapons and guinea pigs. Whether the parents' are married, divorced or remarried, children can become pawns in the vicious power match between parents. Here are some ways that parents use their children as pawns in their own relationship.

Setting rules and boundaries with children. Parent A gives the child permission to do something, go somewhere: to a friend's house, to a movie, to a football game. We will assume for the sake of the discussion that the child is of a reasonable age to do these things and will be in a safe setting. Parent B intervenes and revokes the privilege. Or Parent B may react passive-aggressively; she doesn't forbid the child to do something. She questions and criticizes her spouse's decision to allow something. She may say that she is a 'very protective parent'. She may say that she is worried that something bad could happen. But to contradict the other parent in front of the child and revoke privileges already sanctioned by parent A undermines the other parent. This implies to her spouse and the kids that her spouse is not also 'protective'. It can even imply that her spouse is reckless and uncaring.

The key is for both parents is to ask themselves: 'What is best for my child? Am I using this a power tool against my spouse? How important is this issue? Is it healthy for my children for me to go against my spouse openly? Is my behavior prompted by a need to control or a real concern? Speaking generally, if both spouses are relatively healthy emotionally, the boundaries, rules and privileges they set for their children will be reasonable. If the other parent disagrees, this should be done privately, not in front of the children and not in a way that shames or demeans the other parent. Shaming is far more damaging to the other parent's self-esteem, the parents' relationship, the children and the family than any difference of opinion over boundaries.

If any of this sounds familiar, take a good long look at your relationship with your spouse. Be honest with yourself. Are you setting rules or boundaries to spite or oppose your spouse? Are you letting personal relationships issues with your spouse or ex muddy the waters of your relationship with your children? If one or both of you is using the children as a power tool, you will both need some guidance in sorting out the problems. Daily Strength (click here) is a good place to start looking for help. So are the blogs listed in the side bar.