Prove to Yourself and Others that You Aren't Dead

Have you ever had to prove to someone else that you weren't dead? Maybe the phone company inexplicably disconnects your service, and, when you call to ask "Why?" they reply, "Ms. Jones, our records indicate that you are deceased." But they don't take your word for it - you have to prove you are among the living.

Getting around corporate bureaucracy is tough enough, but what if you just want to prove to yourself that you aren't pushing daisies? You might think to yourself, "Well, I woke up this morning and brushed my teeth. Now I'm at work, and, although it is much like what I imagine Hell to be, I'm pretty sure I'm still breathing."

Anyone who's ever watched Ghost Hunters on the Sci-Fi Network, Medium on NBC, or Ghost Whisperer on CBS, though, knows that sometimes even ghosts don't know they're dead. So, how can you prove it to yourself and others?

Tip #1 - Seek out pain.

Not just any pain - pinching yourself may not be enough. Since I work in a dental office, I could ask my boss, the doc, "Hey, doc, can you fill this tooth without anesthesia?" To which he may reply, "Without anesthesia? Hey, that tooth doesn't even need a filling." At this point, I would have to do some serious begging, but I could probably pull it off. I believe that a sensation of extreme pain would indicate that I was not dead. You can be creative with this experiment. If you work in an office, staple your hand. Farmer? Grab the electric fence tightly for a minute. Just be careful what you do, stepping into moving traffic may cause you to seriously need this article.

Tip #2 - Talk to your friends and family.

The great philosopher Descartes once said, "I think, therefore, I am." But those psychic shows on television say otherwise. We all know that a medium can speak to the dead; and if they can ask and answer questions, they can think. My solution to this is to go to your friends and family members and strike up a conversation. This isn't groundbreaking in itself, what you're looking for is their reaction. If they ignore you and act like you don't exist, you may be in trouble. OK, you may just be an asshole too, and they don't want to talk to you, so you'll have to do more research. If their reaction is to stare for a moment in disbelief, then run screaming for the nearest exit, you should probably start looking into the heavens for the bright light.

Tip #3 - Have you met new and interesting people lately?

Who was the last person you talked to? Did you see Great Aunt Sue this morning and compliment her on her lovely new beehive hairdo? Wait, didn't Great Aunt Sue pass on in 1982? You may be in trouble. Who else? If you recently saw a Jimi Hendrix concert or thought Bob Hope's new act killed (yikes!), you better start checking your pulse. If you had breakfast with Elvis at a Denny's in Tucson, however, I think you're safe. Everyone knows Elvis lives out west now!

Tip #4 - How much does Fluffy love you?

If you have a cat, just stare into its eyes for a minute. If your once-loving Fluffy, who used to cuddle with you for hours as you watched Steel Magnolias over and over after your boyfriend dumped you, now hisses and spits at you, check the mirror for a reflection. If you don't have a cat, but always hated that mean little tabby next door, walk over to where he is sitting in the window and do your most startling cat hiss right in his face. OK, scaring the neighbor's cat doesn't really prove much, but it's funny as hell.

Tip #5 - Your boyfriend sends flowers for the first time ever.

Does your boyfriend sit around on Sunday with a beer in one hand and a Buffalo wing in the other shouting at the television about blind refs and first downs? He never takes you out, won't go with you to visit your mom, and belches at dinner in nice restaurants? He's never brought you flowers, but now there's a lovely potted chrysanthemum sitting on your front porch with a card that reads, "I will always love you," in a handwriting that you know has to be the florist's? Either he's dumping you or you're dead. Let's just pray for the former. Either way, at least you don't have to put up with his dreadful bathroom habits anymore.

Death isn't the worst thing that can happen to you (I once went to a Weird Al concert), and it is something we will all face at some time or another. Your best bet is to be prepared. After all, if you figure it out early enough, you can attend your own funeral; just think how many laughs that would be!

*Note - I wrote this when I was in a particularly strange mood a couple of weeks ago. I put it away, ignored it, and had no intentions of publishing it until I read this funny one (How to Dispose of a Dead Body) by Kelly Spies. Thanks, Kelly.