Psuedo David Letterman Top Ten List

David Letterman has been gracing the nation with his Top Ten lists for twenty-five years. So I've made up my own. Maybe he'll see it and put it on his show, but somehow I doubt it.

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions of 2011

10. When I fail yet again at another weight loss resolution, I PROMISE that I will try again next year. And the year after that. And the year after that.

9. I will find some better excuses to give my boss for when I use my sick days.

8. I will read the directions to the new dishwasher, microwave, game console, or blender that I got for Christmas. Just as soon as I find them...

7. When someone tells a joke, I will refrain from responding LOL and LMAO.

6. I will finally stop eating soy. Soy beans, tofu, Boca burgers...they're nasty and they give me the trots. I really don't know why I subject myself to them.

5. I promise that I will volunteer more of my time and work with high-risk underpriviledged children. Starting with my own.

4. I will find more constructive things to do with my time than spending an entire day in front of a screen - my television, my game console and even my computer...as soon as I finish this tweet.

3. I will improve on my happiness greatly this year...I will stop eating vegatables completely and focus all of my energy consuming all the cookies, cakes and ice cream that my diabetic body can handle.

2. I will stop writing stupid things on my blog and subsequently subjecting my friends and family to them.

And the number one resoution for 2011 is...

1. I will stop pretending I'm David Letterman, even a psuedo David Letterman. I don't host my own talk show...and there's a reason for that!

If you liked these, then maybe you will like the rejects, the ones that didn't quite make the list this year:

I will drive only five to ten miles over the speed limit instead of the standard twenty, I will buy more material possessions so that I will appreciate my country that much more, I will spend more of my time watching funny TV shows instead of all those dark, depressing but equally interesting ones and finally, I will stop subjecting myself to all the news broadcasts about Prince William and Kate Middleton that I am so secretly obsessed with.

I hope everyone's resolutions are better than mine! Happy New Year!