PTSD

His face...

That expression

Those eyes...

His eyes...

So intense

So determined.

That anger...

Rage.

Passion,

Hate

Fury.

To hurt me, break me, kill me...

The dreams...

The nightmares...

The visions.

Constant reminders

Not prejudiced as to whether I am awake or asleep

It continues to flash before my eyes time after time

Practically every day now,

Every night

Oh why won't it stop?

Why won't it end?

Set me free...

The throbbing of my heart

The pulsing sound

The quickening

The panic induced sound reverberates in my ears.

That tight grip...

Those fingers around my neck

Again and again

My breath begins to slow again

My body stiffens underneath him

The crushing weight above me

Set me free...

The blow to the back of my head as I fall

My body cringes in pain

Why can't I fight back ?

Why do I deserve this?

The final confrontation

I am here again

Lying on the floor staring into Satan's obsidian eyes

The shattered windows to his soul

How can this beast have a soul?

He's yelling at me

Screaming

Over and over again

You want to die?

You want to die?

You... will... die!

A shotgun placed in front of my face

The tears shed

Roll down my face

My weakness shows

The love I thought he once had for me

Is now gone

My heart

Lies in fragments on the floor beside me

Set me free...

Somehow I manage to run away

I grab the gun

Why can't I use it to defend myself?

My temporary shield

I am not a killer

Why can't I protect myself?

Why can't I use my own anger?

The fear overwhelms me

I hide the weapon

If I try to fight he will find a way to stop me

His insanity will give him the brutal strength

To win once again

I try to leave the house

The exit before me is a mere illusion

All those locks

My fear once again defeats me -physically.

My hands clumsily fumble relentlessly on the locks

Even if I had gotten out that night

Surely the barbed wire fence would

Hinder my escape.

I could not leave.

Where to hide?

I find a place in a dark room

I know I will be found

But at least I am alone for a while

My phone!

I reach into my pocket

The brightly lit screen greets me

I attempt to dial a number quickly

A friend...

Why didn't I call the police?

My hope remains

And grows

The suddenly

My screen slowly fades to black

The batter is dead

Along with that hope

Set me free...

What is that sound?

Am I laughing?

I'm in hysterics

My only hope has perished

Certainly he has heard me

Am I truly defeated?

I'm going to die...

I'm dying

I believe that I am dying

My consciousness is slipping

The darkness of the room gets even darker

But somehow I see a figure appear before me

I cannot keep my eyes open much longer

The exhaustion is gaining on me

My savior? Am I saved?

My instincts tell me to run

Why?

I'm saved, aren't I?

An angel has found me

Am I simply imagining it?

I think I'm smiling...

Strong arms lift me

I don't fight it

He lifts me off the floor

As though I weigh nothing at all

I am weightless...

The room is to dark to see

Who is this hero?

My wingless seraph

The feeling in my gut

RUN!

RUN!

Why would I run?

I'm saved

I've escaped

Haven't I?

I'm confused

My head is spinning

It is still too dark

My body automatically begins to stiffen

A will of its own

A dim light in the next room

Illuminates the face above me

My eyes widen in shock

That smile

Those lips

Those sad eyes

I feel queasy...

My body is now trembling

Why is he looking at me like that?

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

Are you okay? Are you okay?

His deep voice says to me

He won't stop repeating himself

The recognition of that voice pains me and then paralyzes me

I have not been saved

I have not escaped this hell

I am now lying beside him

Beside this monster

Beside this demon

Set me free...

I feel as though I am bound down to the bed

As though metal shackles have a hold on me

But of course, there are no real shackles

Are there?

My body is heavy

My eyelids begin to shut

NO!

I turn to see the face

His face

No angel!

No savior!

Oh why did I turn?

Why look?

The horrible macabre

That face

The face of Lucifer himself

Obsidian eyes once again

The corners of them stretched upwards

Are there-

Horns protruding out of his head?

That mouth

Those lips

Hardly disguising razor sharp teeth that lie beneath

The length of them

Beyond the length of any human's or animal's

Why can't I close my eyes now?

The sickening image before me

I am crying once again

Screaming

Leave me alone!

What did I do to deserve this?

Please stop! Please stop!

Please-

Of course no one can hear me

My agonized screams remain entirely imprisoned in my mind

Forever?

The distance between us closes in

Get away from me!

Those repulsive lips rush to find mine

I long to escape

I feel the sweltering heat against them

The rancid stench emanating from behind them

My stomach turns

I yearn to vomit

His arms wrap around my unyielding body

Set me free...set me free...

My mouth opens against my will

I feel the fork of his tongue as it slides across my teeth

Deep into my throat

I am choking...

It continues to slither

Deeper, deeper

Past my throat

How is that possible?

I can't breathe

I can't escape

His inhuman grip tightens around me

My bones begin to ache

Begin to break

I am being ripped apart from the inside

Crushed on the outside

Why can I not escape?

Why can't I just die?

Why is my heart still beating?

The pain is too immense

Too intense

Kill me please

Release me

Set me free...

My body explodes

The physical pain fades gradually

I can breathe again

I can open my eyes

Where am I?

What is happening?

I still feel frightened

I am not alone

I hear breathing beside me

For some reason my fear begins to subside

Why am I not scared anymore?

An arm slides around me

Oh no-not again

But

Warmth radiates from this body beside me

I feel...

Safe

Loved

Wanted

Needed

I slowly turn and see the face of my true angel

My true savior

My true love

It is him

The one who truly makes my heart skip a beat

Or two

I cannot be harmed now

Not while I am in his arms

A sanctuary...

It is only a physical refuge

For I know

That I am only truly safe

When I am beside him

But when I sleep or when my mind begins to wander

My mind becomes vulnerable once again

No one can help me there

No one can set me free

I can never run away from my own mind

From my traumatic memories

From my night terrors

An impossibility

I have to fight somehow

I have to gain strength

Some way

Some day

I have to live

I have to fly away

I will fight

I won't let my life be ruined

I won't let him have that satisfaction

I won't let him beat me

Over and over again

Any longer...

I will...

Set...

Me...

Free...

My sanity depends on it