Punched-Out!! - the Mike Tyson Story

Michael Theodore-Rodriguez Tyson III was born on the floor of a New York City subway. It is said this young man punched a bank robber in the face, and saved a basket full of baby kittens before he learned to walk. It is also said he once jumped a shark while on water skis to help pay for his Collage Tuition...While holding a basket full of baby kittens.

Not saying either never happened, I'm just saying that a lot has been said about the guy.

Mike is most known for having a real life counter part who snapped, and bit the ear of another boxer. The original Mike Tyson(of Punch-Out fame, not the lunatic who gnaws on ears like fried chicken) has suffered because of such antics. He can't get a 9 to 5, He can't get an AT&T contract for his iPhone, he can't even get it his way when ordering food off a Burger King menu!

After the release of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, for the Nintendo Entertainment System, Mike's rise to fame was already at it's peak. This guy had it all: Charisma, a decent vocabulary, a gap in his teeth that doubled as a money clip, etc. If you asked Mike what more he wanted to accomplish, he'd probably say something along the lines of "'Nothing dawg, it's all good!"

Actually that's way off. Mike had a bit of a potty mouth. He'd probably call you a cunkbag, and proceed to explain why you couldn't last three rounds in his pixelated world. Did I mention he became a major D-bag after seeing the sales figures for his video game? Because he did. I had an opportunity to interview the champ about 5 weeks after Punch-Out was released in America.

Due to his excessive cursing and arm flexing, My interview didn't last long. Before things got out of hand, I asked Tyson how he planned on spending all that money he got from starring as Punch-Out's final boss character. In a drunken rage, he slurred:

"I'm gonna zave Prinzezz Zelda and Marry her. If that stupid elf boy get in muh way...*hiccup*...I plan on doing bodily harm to his person."

He then punched a hole in the wall, which I used as an escape route. After gathering myself near a lake at Pitfall National Park(those rolling logs that appear randomly are quite annoying), I thought about alerting Link of the impending danger that was sure to fall upon him while searching for Zelda. Unfortunately, I fell in a hole and was attacked by a giant scorpion, then blacked out. When I came to, the damage had already been done.

That's right, The 8-bit era was dead and the SNES had already been released. What happened to link? Not sure. Zelda needed to be saved numerous times thereafter, and he was always available to play the hero role. Sources tell me there was a confrontation out side of Ganondorf's castle. It was a cold and windy night. Words were exchanged, mamas were talked about, and potions were used. By daybreak, Princess Zelda was safe. Tyson was left laying in a pond with a face full of welts, and snot bubbling from his nostrils.

Seems that Link was a huge fan of Punch-Out, and memorized Mike's mannerisms and patterns. The fight was over before it even began it seems. Following this unexpectedly one sided defeat, Tyson vowed to stay out of the public eye for a while. Nintendo came 'a calling when they decided to release a Punch-Out sequel in 1994. He respectfully declined involvement, and threw a Nintendo Spokesperson in a Parana infested gorge near his Mansion.

In 1997, Tyson attended the funeral of Bubsy T. Bobcat. While lowering his deceased friend to his final resting play, Tyson confirmed rumors of a possible comeback to the video game world. An anonymous interviewer much braver than I asked what his relationship with Bubsy was. A tear ran down Tyson's face as he said:

"That marvelous marsupial was my life coach!"

Now I could probably go into more detail and talk about Bubsy helping Mike deal with his anger issues and such...but that quote is just too messed up not to dissect. Either Bubsy helped Mike financially(big money = deep pockets = cool nickname implying you are a kangaroo), or he has little to no knowledge of the animal kingdom.

Just when everyone thought the monster would once again be unleashed, it all came crashing down. Tyson suffered two broken middle fingers in the summer of 2001. It happened after a car crash on the west side of Yoshi's Island. Wario was arrested three days later and plead guilty to the unauthorized use of a Blue Turtle Shell in broad daylight.

Tyson was unable to recover in time for his big comeback. Instead, Ubisoft decided to use a lookalike the PlayStation game, Mike Tyson Boxing. As that game floundered, so too did Iron Mike. He was set to make a cameo in Mario Kart Double Dash, but showed up to the mocap shoot drunk. Due to Nintendo's kid friendly persona, they decided a buzzed Mike Tyson was not suitable for any audience.

Fall 2006 saw Tyson coming to terms with his inner demons and making an effort to "fix certain wrongs that should have been right and, therefore, never wronged to begin with."(direct quote)

While taking an eight month sabbatical from working at a local Jiffy Lube, Tyson sought spiritual guidance in New Delhi from renowned Buddhist Zen Master, Frogger. But six weeks into his informal training, almost like clockwork it seems, our unlucky brawler lost yet another trusted friend. They say Frogger never did see that speeding car that crossed three lanes of traffic, two wheat fields, and a shallow pond that hit him.

What happened next? Stuff, that's what happened next! I'm not sure if I should talk about the N.E.S. Reunion Party or end this tragic story abruptly. What's that? You say you want to know about the events that went down at the Reunion Party? Since you twisted arm...

It was one hell of a shindig. All the big names were there, Simon Belmont from Castlevania, The L Block from Tetris, and even the Referee from Tecmo Bowl! Everyone was having a good time until the Dark Angel of Misfortune(Mike Tyson) staggered through the front door.

He began the evening by threatening King Bowser, bulling Dig Dug into inflating his nether regions[sic], and flirting with anything in a dress. He hit on Princess Toadstool, Samus Aran, Mrs. Pac-Man and even the Mage from Final Fantasy. After being ushered out by Donkey Kong, he cursed everybody within a five mile radius, peed on the Car from Rad Racer, then passed out next to a lawn gnome and slept for three days.

Where is he now? Somewhere, That's where! I have no conceivable Idea where Mike is right now. Some people say he got eaten by one of the monsters from Rampage. Some say he followed his childhood dream of hosting a game show in Japan. All I know is, you don't want to get too close to the guy. Bad things always happen to those who lend a helping hand.

I'm speaking from experience. Before my interview with Tyson, i offered to help tidy up his office. I accidentally kicked a Question Block that contained a Death Mushroom. Do know how long it takes to find enough gold coins for a 1up outside Mushroom Kingdom? I had to give the Grime Reaper an IOU just to get back...