Punching Celebrities in the Face

I never realized how much celebrities make me sick until I just watched ten minutes of Entertainment Tonight.

First you have Miss USA Tara Connors. Boy, do I just want to slap this fake broad in the mouth.

She was to be stripped of her title for all this wild partying and sexy pictures taken a while back.

Now, after nearly a week in rehab, she is out. Ready to re-start her life as a recovering alcoholic addict.

You silly puppet you. Donald Trump tells you to go to rehab and say all these words about you "recovering." You say you have a disease. Alcoholism and drug addiction isn't a disease. AIDS and Cancer are diseases. Besides, lets get to the point, not only are you not an alcoholic or drug addict.

You are a twenty-something blonde chick. You SHOULD be partying, drinking, doing drugs, and having sex with strange men. That is what twenty something year old women do, unless they are dog-faced ugly, and even those pull more than their fair share of trailer park hunks.

You make me sick Tara Connors. You are a liar. Hopefully young women will look up to chicks like Paris Hilton instead of you. I would rather my daughter, if I had one, look up to Paris Hilton who has sex with way too many strange men and party's way too much, than to look up to a lying tramp. Least Paris knows what she's good at, even if those qualities are not admirable.

Lindsay Lohan makes me sick. Using rehab as a hotel. But she isn't as bad as her mother.

Her mother makes me want to grab her by the face and break it. Lohan's mother spends more time on Entertainment Tonight talking about her daughters "fight" for sobriety than actually staying around her daughter. In tonight's publicity stunt, oops, I mean, heart felt meeting with daughter and mother, Lindsay's Ma meets her after rehab.

You are a bad mother, if I was in rehab, and I was famous, my Mom wouldn't talk to the media. She would probably be waiting for me to call her to tell her how I'm doing.

Now, you can't really blame Lindsay can you? Her Dad is a screw-up and her Mom is a media whore. Hell, I'd be an alcoholic too if I had to be around those people all the time.

If I wasn't broke, I would put gas in my car and drive to Hollywood just to beat the ever loving hell out of every celebrity that is getting on my nerves. The whiny ones, the fake ones, Andy Dick. Then I would shake Robert DeNiro's hand. I would tell Bobby thank you for not being a wuss-bag. Then I would tell him to punch me.

But instead, I will wait here in South Carolina. We are now giving tax breaks to movie makers in the hopes that big budget movies are made here.

So I'm putting all of you fake, Hollywood, douche bags on notice.

If you see a guy with a near whitey-fro, a beer gut that is getting smaller by the day, and a furry beard, that person is probably me, and I would love to hammer fist you in your million dollar face.

Especially Lindsay Lohan's Mom, and Miss USA.

Weird, by the end of this article I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan.

Hey Lindsay, call me. I don't care if you have a fire-crotch. I'll use a sandwich bag.