Pushing the Boundaries at Associated Content

I apparently "pushed the boundaries" regarding "appropriate content" on Associated Content . I submitted my memoir, "Twins Born into Multigenerational Demonic Cult." This was on the notes that I got back regarding my submission. I was also advised to "tone it down," and resubmit.

When I was doing my corrections to resubmit, I had not seen those words "tone it down." Later when I discovered the advice, an overwhelming pain began to creep up in my heart, much like it is now. Not because Associated Content told me to make corrections; I realize that Associated Content has a business to run. They published the piece,despite the"tone it down" remarks. What hurts is that I had written this piece years ago.I wrote the piece in 2006. I took it from a manuscript for a book about my life that I have a hard time writing because of all the intense pain and memory I have to pull up when writing it. I started the novel actually in 2005. I started remembering my real secret life in the multi-generational family cult in September 2004. I was introduced to a new therapy by my parents. I had breakdowns or post traumatic stress disorder reactions too frequently, I was told they wanted to help me.

The graphic things written in the piece were not written for ratings or to see if I could write the most vulgar, nastiest, things to get people's attention. I chose the title for a reason, I definitely want people to read the article especially people searching for someone who has gone through what they have gone through. The piece validated my pain. I want to say "Thank You to Associated Content" for publishing it the way it is, although, it "pushed those boundaries." Sometimes pushing boundaries saves people's lives.

When I was looking for articles with the words multi-generational cult a few years back the articles and information I found at the time were limited. Reading such articles such as my memoir,"Twins Born into a Multi-generational Demonic Cult", when you are a victim can be dangerous, you do have to proceed with caution, but the information sometimes triggers up information you need to get to the next memory that could lead you on your journey out of the cult. It takes time and preparation to leave. You have to find out all the key players keeping you in bondage, and then fight your fear so that you are more aware of what is going on and don't rely on your "parts or alters".

The point of the matter is just like the devil himself, he never slows down , slacks up, or "tones down" on destroying lives, he works on you using evil humans to bother you, distract you, torture you, until he has taken all that you have including your very life. He's been doing this since the beginning of time, same tricks different people. My soul, he simply could not have.

I had no earthly idea what I was about to learn. I knew I had been molested by my step father and I suspected I would learn that he had molested me more times than I had recalled. After my first session, I fought not to bring the memories up but "my parts" could no longer keep the secrets. Overtime I find out that this man had been choking me, raping me and impregnating me into my teenage years and still raping me as an adult, I switched over not aware of what was happening. After intense therapy I found out that I had multiple personality disorder, and not only that but that I was in a family cult that called up demons or spirits, and I had been sexually abused by all of them. I had to literally physically feel the intense pain and grieve by recalling all my body and mind had been through. Suddenly all the time in my life that had been missing or unexplainable became crystal clear. Though I wanted to truly die, when I abruptly went on this long journey of recovery.I had no one person from my family or any friends from the past I could trust, except for one person who shall remain nameless. I made it through. I am better. I am free. Free, is a tricky word for me. I have been in bondage for most of my life, my decisions, my morals, my feelings, never mattered to those who chose to take advantage of my vulnerabilities for their own satisfaction. They never slowed down, or "toned down" and everything they did to me was more extreme and more terrible than the last time. I never got a break from my "daily training" which went beyond inappropriate.

My memories came in bits and pieces, I wanted to get better, I was ready to know. I found out what was happening. The movie "the Manchurian Candidate" starring Denzel Washington was playing. I rented it. There is a scene where the soldiers are being mind-controlled to think something happened that did not, and these women in black clothing pop up on the screen. I scream, I was purely terrified. My pulse was racing and I could not breathe. Out of no where images pop up in my head. This movie triggered up the events that I had been holding onto for 30 years.Once I saw these images they would all flood my mind in a rapid pace over the next 4 years.

I was 7 years old in Manhattan, New York. I am from the south but we moved to New York after my mother married my step-father. There was a room, the family called the "junk room" There was a shelf and records and you know junk. One item in particular that rattled my brain was the "black trunk" A big black trunk my stepfather kept his old adult magazines in. I remember being tied to this trunk. My parents have on "black cloaks". My mother is lighting incense. The rest is inappropriate for Associated Content. Anyway I immediately cut off my family, friends, and associates who were apart of this, as well. I stayed close by to my therapist. I had this loyal therapist, so I thought from 2004 until 2008.

Can you imagine living your life thinking everything is OK? You know you suffer from depression and you are constantly in and out of mental hospitals having some new anti-depressant drug shoved your way for you to try. Nothing you take helps. You just continue to get more depressed. It starts when you are 18 years old when you should be living your life traveling the world, or going to college . You have breakdowns that have gone from monthly, to every week, to every day reliving something ,but you don't know what. Just despair lurking in every corner.

I sit here and reflect on all the days I would go without baths because I felt like filth and I could not bathe. My stomach grows weary recalling all the times I ate enormous amounts of food shoving down my pain, not even tasting what I was shoveling down. All the countless years I begged my mom to leave my stepfather for molesting me, when all the while they were both sexually abusing me and taking money from others to do the same, if not worst. What a fool I looked like. My eyes burn from all the nights, I was switched over sleeping in a closet bound up tightly, praying for God to get me out. I would wake up in the middle of the night seeing my grandmother to whom I loved and still do love dearly, doing all kinds of sick twisted things to me. Unnatural things that had already been done to her by her mother, and her mother before her. My mother had gone through the same, but the difference between me and the generations in my family that continued the learned behaviors and sick traditions, is that I fought to stop. I was sick because my body was saying no this is not right. I was labeled crazy. Just plain crazy. This is how the world views people like me. Suddenly, I was not 18 anymore, the years passed me by 20, 25, 27, 28, 30, years old about to go psychotic, I was on the brink and I knew it, I felt it.

Then an act of God happens, he finally reaches my heart and tells me to wake up stop being afraid, and remember what has been happening to me. In my mind images so graphic, I wish I could sensor my own brain, of my mother, grandmother, great grandmother, uncles, aunts, strange people I don't even know with black cloaks on doing chants, with candles, and all the crap they use in rituals.I dare not mention detailed pictures inscribed in my brain of the countless inhumane tortures placed upon my body, and how it has affected my psyche as a human child of God.

My memories that are not in the conscious mind were locked away in the subconscious mind for years, because I had been threatened and abused beyond belief. To survive, I locked the information away. Basically I have just awakened to what reality really is, not the alternate one I created. My emotions went into over drive. Intense fear, murderous anger, hurt so severe that I could not feel my heart , I felt as if it did not exist, I had no pulse. Was I even a human? Maybe I was a demon or just a shell, a frame, a fragment of a real person. To save my own life, and protect my sanity I had to be honest with myself, my true self and listen to "my parts or alters", and face all the horrific events that kept me from flourishing to be a adult happy and in control, truly in control of my own life.

Before I could be totally free from the cult I was in, I had to deprogram.There were articles on the internet by expert dealing with this type of material that gave advice, and tips on free one's self. I was being mind controlled and watched by a network, in fact many different networks in my life time, of people involved in ritualistic activity that went beyond lighting candles and chanting. I had been going through a series of years and years of rapes, beatings, being drugged by my own mother. The punishment actually got stricter when I tried to escape in 2004. Though I thought I was out, tactics used to switch me over and abuse me were still in play. I would have therapy sessions every "10 days "sometimes more often. As I mentioned I had the same trusted therapist for almost 4 years, Remember this fact, for the latter part of the article.

At night people would come into my home, they had keys to my vehicle, I was followed to the mall, to the gym, even the grocery stores. It only takes a series of simple cues to the naked eye but "my parts" recognized these cues and followed. It could be a blink of an eye, hand signal, head lights flashing on a vehicle, a note etc. It isn't until you understand what is happening can you stop the behavior. But if "fear" resides in the body, "the parts or alters" will automatically take over to protect you, so by the time you remember, the event has already happened. That's why it is extremely important to get to a place that your perpetrators can not find you in. There is no way to guarantee, the abuse not happening. I have been well trained to respond to cues for years. In my case I have thousands of "parts or personalities" that took this abuse for me ,for the 30 + years I was apart of this.Therefore this makes it hard not to stumble upon "a part" that may allow my body to switch over. I know it sounds crazy but watch "the Manchurian Candidate" with Denzel Washington, "Rosemary's Baby an old film by Roman Polanski, and there are other movies to understand. Also books about satanic ritual abuse.

Anyway, the last network mind controlling me was so constant and violently abusive, and addicted to using my body, that they made mistakes along the way and my subconscious leaked over into the conscious memory. I banded together with the only person in the world that is close to me and this person helped to put into plan, the plan that would free me forever. An ariticle, with material close to my life, put together the last few pieces to cut off the last"cell" that kept me in the cult.

I was flabberghasted by the fact that despite intense, thorough, one on one therapy, I was still being abused and still apart of this cult. Let me explain, this was not just the average, find in the phone book, go to the mental health center, therapist. She was and still is an expert on ritual abuse, a ritual abuse guru so to speak or activist for freeing oneself from ritual abuse. I had gone through so many memories that dated all the way back to the womb. Even remembering my birth and the murder of my twin sister. Yet I could not escape. I went through the teenage pain and agony. The grief of knowing I had a mother who was not the good, sweet, wholesome, Christian woman, I recalled her to be was something I had grieved and excepted. Alot of information, came up willingly and unwillingly on my behalf. I grasped the method of asking yourself" what has happened?" and allowing the pictures to come up in my head. I had been healing myself at a rapid pace. Besides the sessions, I allowed my mind to give me all the necessary details I needed to get free. Why wasn't I free? What was keeping me in it?

I did indeed stumble upon an article entitled "A Day in the Life of a Trainer" randomly looking for answers on the internet. It was about a woman who had a day life and a secret night life. In it she spoke about being this average normal person during the day getting her kids ready for school, and taking care of her husband. But at night they systematically got up at night put on lab coats and drove to a ritual site where she as some kind of scientific trainer and was used to do experiments on people. As I was reading the article, I started feeling anxious, I could not breathe, I was getting physically sick.

While reading the article my brain pulled up comparison material in my head to compare to this story I was reading. I saw a picture of my therapist, my trainer with a lab coat on. Surely,I am only seeing this because I just read this article about a woman in a lab coat. But the picure would not leave my brain, I obsessed over it. I reflected on the tip my therapist, trainer always said"Listen to Your Body" If the picture comes up and you can remember the details and most importantly you"feel it in the body" (her favorite phrase), it is true and real. I heard a voice in my head, an alter say you can't trust "Mary" I've changed her name for the article. She is involved. I admitted to myself through tears of frustration and betrayal that she was the last link keeping me in the cult. As soon as I acknowledged the truth, the last question became obvious.

Mary being paid by my mother kept the network up to date on my sessions. She guided them on how to keep me in it. In between real sessions she re- programmed me with "damaging messages", to keep me in the cult. It did not matter that I had cut everybody else out because, she was the key person still in my life, why would I suspect her?.

The programming went like this, she would be talking to me, maybe laughing, sometimes even crying with me after I went through a really heart wrenching session.Then her demeanor would change, she'd call me by "a code name" or "secret name", the code name would activate" parts or alters "created by my family cult with this name attached. For instance I have a part named"Casey" ,Casey was the reporter. Meaning if my mother the creator of "Casey" called upon this alter for information about what the body or other alters are doing, the part would come out . I am now aware of this information so "Casey just lies dormate in my mind and I can not be gotten too by this part anymore. Since I have thousands of alters, I am not aware of all of them a trained person knows how to access them to give you alternate messages. This is what Mary, the therapist did.

I could not figure out why people were able to gain access to my home. While having a session with"Mary" she says okay Rana we are going to have your session every "10 days". This was a simple phrase she often used. Consciously, I thought nothing of it. Subconsciously, my brain knew it meant she wanted the "10 parts" that she used to give me messages to follow through on, such as "put your keys in the mailbox" which the "part" would do, thereby allowing "the network to make copies of my keys" She may of said to me" make sure you are aware," do not respond to cues such as tapping on your window at night, at the same time using key words to switch me over and tell the key "10 parts", "You do not see, You do not hear, You are not aware." So if I was sleeping in the middle of the night around (12 a.m-3 a.m) key ritual times, and I hear a knock or someone enters my home to drug me or use me "the parts" that she has given the message will go into affect. I confronted her with the information by telephone after breaking free, and she stopped calling me cold turkey. She was totally busted.

Now I am the writer, I have dreamed of becoming .Wasted years trailed pass me. I could not write. My creativity, my luster for life had all vanished. I tried working on my novel off and on, the writer in me remained buried, until Associated Content came into my life. I felt invigorated, inspired to write, to teach, to reach other multiples still in denial needing help, or multiples needing advice and mind controlled individuals, and the world of people who do not believe in stories such as the one I just told, and simply "To Tell". Isn't that what the world tells us to do to get back at people who have harmed you. Simply Tell, the threats are to keep you bound to them, in silence. I took a risk. I pressed that button and submitted the article. Someone, somewhere will benefit from it.

To go to "Google" a major search engine and see my article "Twins Born into Multigenerational Demonic Cult" is an overwhelming feeling. Associated Content has allowed writers to express themselves and be heard. So though I "pushed those boundaries, and did not "tone down" the piece, I was published. My memoir is out there for the world to see.

My twin who I did not get to know, but I felt existed was never spoken of. I am thankful to have finally remembered this tiny angel. She now has a voice. She was a person that I was with for approximately 9 months growing within our mother's womb . She was taken from this world in such a violent way. She was taken from me. Her life was brief, and brutal, but real. She will be apart of me, until I perish. After finally, getting the memoir out"Twins Born into Multigenerational Demonic Cult." I can put her memory to rest.