Pushover Grandma: When Grandparents Can't Say No

"Ah, Mom, why can't I watch that tv show? Grandma lets me watch it all the time when I'm over at her house."

Your seven year old looks at you defiantly. He knows very well that you don't want him watching that show because of the violence. And now you find out that your mother has been letting him watch it when he is visiting with her. And even worse, she knows how you feel about screening what your child watches. You actually told her that you didn't want him watching violent, scary, or sex-oriented shows or movies.

You sigh and realize you've been undermined again. You get to play the bad guy while Grandma plays the good guy. Still, you shake your head and repeat no, he cannot watch the show. He glares at you and stomps out of the room. You hardly even notice. You know he will get over being mad, but you have a much bigger problem.

What are you going to do about a Grandma that can't or won't say no? It's not just about the tv show. There's other things. Like him coming home so wired up, he almost bounces off the walls from eating too much candy or chocolate. Or he is irritable and cranky after staying up late at Grandma's house when he spends the night. You know she loves him. And you realize that she doesn't mean to upset you or even to undermine your authority. She just simply can't seem to say no to him.

But where did that woman come from? She certainly didn't have any problem telling you no when you were a child. You can remember her making you go to bed at a set time every night. And you were only allowed candy at certain times. Why, she was still checking what movies you went to at fourteen and fifteen. So what happen to the rules? Does becoming a grandparent cause you to forget those rules? Does becoming a grandparent make you a pushover for your grandchild?

To some extent the answer to that question is yes, a grandparent is usually a pushover. After all, as a parent, she had the responsibility of raising you. But as a grandparent, she doesn't have that responsibility, simply because you, the parent, has it. Therefore, she can relax the rules a little. Perhaps that's the secret of a grandparent. A grandparent gets more of the fun, and less of the work and responsibility.

However, some grandparents do need to be reeled in sometimes. In your case, you know you have to talk to your mother. You really dread it, but it has to be done. You don't want to hurt her feelings, but you're afraid you will. How do you tell a grandparent not to give in to their grandchild all the time?

You do it by reminding her of how you were when you were growing up. Remind her of how irritable you got if you stayed up too late. Bring up the memories of your grandma giving you too much candy and how you ended up at the doctor's with a stomach ache. Take a trip down memory lane with her. Don't be accusing or angry. You could say something like, "Mom, Billy told me he watched that show on tv about the vampires the last time he was here. He should have told you he isn't allowed to watch those types of shows. He knows he has nightmares when he watches them. Do you remember I used to do the same thing if I watched a scary movie?" This takes the accusation out of the remark, yet still conveys the message.

Just keep in mind that you're not going to completely cure a pushover grandparent. Part of being a grandparent is getting to spoil the kids and then send them home to their parents.