Puzzling Over a Holiday Gift for the Boyfriend? Don't Go Here!

The holidays are right around the corner, and with the season comes plenty of angst as to the gift-giving portion of the festivities. There is no more difficult a task than for a woman to find a holiday gift for a boyfriend. Whether you've been dating for decades or for days, the road to the mall is fraught with potential bombs all along the way.

Let's face it, girls. When we purchase gifts for that favorite guy in our lives, what we are really looking for is a romanticized version -- thank you, Hollywood -- of what a perfect love would want. We imagine (all misty-eyed) that our choice of gift will bowl over the recipient. After all, a perfect relationship deserves your present, and he should be thrilled to pieces.

Should is the operative word, and rarely does it come in direct contact with reality.

Women, heed my warnings. Speaking from a position of experience (dating too many guys to count, engaged thrice and married twice), there are several gift ideas for boyfriends which should never see the light of day.

Tops on the list is a balloon bouquet. Yes, I gave my now-husband a balloon bouquet 25 years ago and I've never heard the end of it. It's a colossal waste of helium and mylar, as boyfriends do not appreciate this light-hearted attempt at fun. Take my word for it, your boyfriend will not break into a grin when he sees a thundercloud of balloons bouncing toward him.

Number Two? Anything pink. Pink ties, pink golf shirts, pink underwear, God forbid, pink socks. Your pink item of clothing will remain unworn for years, until a. he sneaks it out of the bottom of his drawer and into a dumpster, or b. you get tired of pushing it to the top of the pile, admit defeat, and relegate the Pink Thing to the Goodwill.

Number Three on the Do Not Give List is flowers. Flowers of any kind are unwanted, and if you give roses, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. During the holidays, it might be tempting to order something generic from FTD, something red and green and cheery. Resist the urge, ladies. Along with flowers, another no-no is edible arrangements. Boys eat boy food -- like White Castle or In 'n Out -- not farm fresh fruits on sticks made to look like flowers.

Fourth on the list would be any kind of jewelry (yes, even something sedate from Tiffany's) but especially rings. The giving of jewelry implies commitment, and even if the boyfriend is committed, if you don't have an engagement ring on your left hand -- and sometimes if you do -- he will want to think of himself as a free agent. Rings are on the No-Give list simply because it appears pushy for a woman to bestow a man-ring on her beloved. Also, resist the temptation to give pocket watches. They may be quaint, but my husband still has the one I gave him in his bottom nightstand drawer.

Finally, do not give a boyfriend what you want. For example, you might want a guy who is handy. You give him a Craftsman tool set, but he can barely operate a screwdriver. Bad. Or, you might want your man to look a certain way. You give him a designer sweater when he is more comfortable in flannel and jeans. Very bad. You might enjoy fine wine and the symphony and give the Boyfriend a pricy bottle and season tickets. In reality your guy adores Bud Light and Sunday afternoon with the Detroit Lions. Ding, ding, ding! You have just reached the pinnacle of the incompatibility chart!

The moral of the story is this: Gift-giving is a treacherous activity. Tread lightly, and be aware.