Q&A: Satan

If there is a God, (and we all know there is), then there has to be a Devil. This terrible being represents all that is wrong in the world. And since I've already spoken to God, I thought it was only fair that the demonic one got in his side of the story. "But Chris H, its the devil, are you f'n crazy?" Yes voice in my head. If I was not crazy, you wouldn't exist. Crazy=voice. No crazy, no voice. So shut up now so I can interview this man.

EVIL: So Satan, most would expect a darker image of you. What's with all the rainbows?

SATAN: What's wrong with rainbows.

EVIL: Nothing is wrong at all. I just expected a more darker look since you do represent the dark side of all that is evil. Nothing against rainbows.

SATAN: Rainbows are awesome,

EVIL: I guess they are but you have taken it to another level.

SATAN: Is it the hat?

EVIL: Its the hat, the shoes, the jacket, the pants...what's your obsession?

SATAN: Its not an obsession. Its an infatuation. Move on now please.

EVIL: So, God created all in 7 days. What have you ever created?

SATAN: Lets see.......trans fatty acids, coffee, fried chicken, chorizo, croissants...

EVIL: So basically all foods, correct?

SATAN: No you idiot, that would be considered impossible. Just the unhealthful ones. That's all me.

EVIL: Did you create the French?

SATAN: Nope. That one's on God. I did however assist with the English.

EVIL: So you helped God design the English people.

SATAN: Yes

EVIL: Do you think that French cuisine is overrated?

SATAN: French cuisine is definitely overrated but it all really depends on what you think of it in the first place.

EVIL: Well most people have high expectations when entering a French restaurant, only to be severely disappointed and ripped off.

SATAN: Wait a minute. Am I here to talk about fine dining or my impact on the world?

EVIL: Oh yeah, so, why are you such an a-hole?

SATAN: I need to balance the world out or else there would just be non stop peace, which is just too cheesy to even imagine.

EVIL: Did you also create cheese.

SATAN: Yes.

EVIL: I guess you're right. A perfect world would be very boring. What would everyone complain about?

SATAN: Exactly

EVIL: Who is your favorite person on Earth?

SATAN: Well on Earth, its probably you Evil.

EVIL: But why? I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Shouldn't you hate me for not being "bad enough?"

SATAN: Right, but your lack of sins makes religious people look bad since most, if not all people sin on a daily basis. But boring people like you make the deadly sins more desirable to commit since there is no real incentive for remaining straight edge.

CHRIS: But there is an incentive, being able to say that I'm damn near perfect.

SATAN: But your claim to perfection is solely based on level of self-control, which, in the end, means absolutely nothing. Your claim to perfection is just that, a claim. Nothing more. At least alcoholics are having fun being alcoholics. You however, are just a pig.

EVIL: With a nose like that, you're calling me a pig?

SATAN: I love my nose.

EVIL: I hate my nose.

SATAN: Figures.

EVIL: At least I'm not fat.

SATAN: So what if I'm fat, you're the one with that faggy hair.

EVIL: This coming from a guy with rainbow colored shoes. At least I've got hair!