Question: What Are You Saying to a Military Wife?

As a military wife I am asked many questions. While I do believe that most people do genuinely mean well, I would like to share how some of these comments and questions affect the person who is receiving them.

1. I am against/for this war.

Seriously this does not help or make any military wife feel better. Nobody likes war, nobody wants war and most of all; nobody wants their loved one in the middle of a combat zone. Be for it or against it but don't assume that telling the wife or loved one a military member your political standing. If you really want to offer something, tell them that you are praying for their soldier. Those few words go a very long way in giving that loved one a bit of peace.

2. Do you worry about your spouse cheating/ Is it hard to be faithful?

I can't tell you how insulting and hurtful this question is. I married a man who believes his word is the most important thing he has to give. I did not end up with a husband serving a year in Iraq because he goes back on his word; I ended up in such a position because he lives up to his word. Be here at home or in a war zone, my husband does not break his promises, I never doubted his fidelity here at home, I didn't doubt while he was in Iraq. I am not an idiot I know we both had moments of temptation but we both gave our word the day we married. It would have been much harder for me to look my husband in the eyes and tell him that I cheated than it was for me to remain faithful.

3. I could not do it.

If I had a dime for every time someone said this to a military wife, I wouldn't need a retirement fund. I didn't want to live a year without my husband but I married a soldier and by doing so, I made the choice to do whatever it takes. I didn't feel like I do it either, but I did not have too many options at the time. He was called up; he went and I did what I had to do to manage on my own. We often discover that we can do a great deal more than we believe ourselves capable when it matters.

4. Are you afraid your husband might hurt you now that he has killed other people?

This is a question that is a bit watered down because I have actually had people use the term "murder" in this dialog. No question enrages me more than this one. First, you are assuming that every soldier has killed someone. This is not true. While every single service member carries a gun in Iraq and other combat zones not all actually have to shoot them. When they are actually fired it is for preservation of their own lives or the lives of others. The men and women of our military are well trained but they are not murderers instead they are the people that are trying to keep others from murdering innocent civilians. I have never feared my husband. He is a loving and protective man who would never hurt me in any way.

5. Are you afraid for him?

I can only believe that this is a question because someone does not know what else to say. Any military wife who is not afraid is lacking something very basic inside. A military wife is afraid twenty four hours a day. I quit watching the news as often as possible because it only fed my fears. I also didn't like to talk about my fears because it put my emotions a bit too close to the surface.

6. I know how you feel; my husband went away for a hunting trip a few weeks ago.

You have no idea how I feel. I woke up every morning and prayed "Please God, just let him still be alive at the end of today." I always felt that if I asked for more than one day, I was being selfish, so I asked for one day at time. I lived this for fourteen months, which is less than many military wives go through. I spent most days not knowing for sure if my husband was safe or if he was hurt. Words such as "dead" had been removed my vocabulary because saying them might make them real. I didn't do this for a weekend, I didn't do it for a week, and I did this for over a year. I lived with my stomach in a knot and at night as I slept all my worst fears would play out in graphic detail in my dreams. Unless you have been there you have no idea how it feels to have your husband in a combat zone. Military wives are not made of steel and we are not much different from anyone else we just have different circumstances.

7. Are you made at him for doing this to you?

This is question puzzles me. I have yet to meet a single military wife who is mad at her husband for doing "this" to her. I am still trying to figure out what my husband did to me. Yes, I had moments of anger and yes sometimes that anger was directed at him. The day the car broke down and I couldn't get it to start, I kicked the car, cried and cussed at him. I was angry because he wasn't here, I was angry because I didn't know from day to day what was going to happen, I was just plain angry. He, of course did not hear a word of any of it because he was half way across the world. I never felt that this was something my husband did to me instead I see it as something he did for me, our children, grandchildren and anyone who wants to live in a free country. I am proud of him, I am proud of his service and I am honored to be the woman that not only carries his name but his heart.

As a military wife I had a lot to deal with. Having people come up and ask me silly and senseless questions did not make my life any easier or any less painful. Yes, I am married to a soldier but just because I am a military wife does not give anyone the right to just blurt out whatever comes to mind while I stand back and behave like the perfect and proper soldier's wife. I am bound to be short with you or answer with a biting comment in return. While I might be the wife of a soldier, I am also human with feelings and I respond with emotion when you hit a raw nerve. Before saying something thoughtless to a military wife or anyone for that matter, consider that your words just might cause them pain.