Questions to Ask Before Marrying the Father of Your Unborn Child

Pregnancy hit fast, and without warning. You didn't plan your life out this way. The romantic courtship was supposed to come first, the big white wedding was to come second, and the baby was to come third... if ever. Because society is great about pressuring women to adhere strictly to a specific timeline, the pressure is on to make a quick decision that will affect both you and your child for the rest of your lives. Before you run down to city hall, however, try to consider the following questions carefully before marrying the father of your unborn child.

Question #1: Are you responding to pressure by society? First, let's take a look at the situation from an objective point of view. Societies around the globe honor marriage as a solemn, respectable status, while some cultures are so staunchly against childbirth outside of wedlock that the "offense" is punishable by law. While you might not be subjected to a public stoning for announcing your intentions to stay single after the birth of your child, you'll certainly be at risk for a bit of prejudice and ignorant judgment from time to time. You can handle that. Responding to societal pressure is not the best reason to marry the father of your unborn child....or any man, for that matter. Resentment will build over time, and your child will notice.

Question #2: Are you merely trying to legitimize the child? The term "legitimize" was used largely in an era in which it was unheard of for a respectable young woman to give birth before marriage. Today, thankfully, most single mothers understand that their child is perfectly "legitimate" with their last names, and not necessarily the last names of the fathers. Unless you live in the backwoods, this shouldn't be a problem.

Question #3: Would you marry the father of your unborn child, right now, if pregnancy weren't an issue? In other words, have you already discussed marriage before? If so, the fact that a child came along a little earlier than expected may simply be an unexpected surprise rather than a life shattering situation for the both of you. If you had favorably considered legally sealing the deal beforehand and having a traditional family is important to you, there's nothing wrong with thinking on it further. If, however, marriage never once entered your mind as far as this man was concerned (or for you, in general), consider that a red flag.

Question #4: Will having this baby actually hurt your relationship with this man? You hadn't considered that one, had you? Some men are devastated to hear of an unplanned pregnancy. As such, marrying you may feel more like a dutiful obligation for him to fulfill, rather than a positive experience that was rushed just a bit. Your relationship with this man might change dramatically after you have a chance to see how he treats you and your child in the months and years after the birth. If you have your doubts, at least wait until the child is born to evaluate your options.

Question #5: Is your sudden "desire" to marry a direct result of the pregnancy? Blame it on hormones, but women get especially emotional during pregnancy. Normal feelings over an unplanned event intensify. As such, that sudden desire you feel to settle down and marry may be due in part to both maternal instincts kicked into high gear, and/or a desperate need to feel supported. Understandable, but do your best to view things in the same manner as you normally would. If marriage didn't seem appealing to you before but it suddenly does now, just sleep on it....for at least nine months.

Question #6: Do you feel that a good relationship between two unmarried parents is more valuable than an unhappy marriage? In their rush to get married after pregnancy, some women forget that a happy relationship between two parents is very important for each child. If marriage to your unborn child's father causes you to compromise to the point of feeling less valuable or less alive, you're doing your child a disservice. Again, try to forget tradition and pressure, just for a moment, and focus on what would make both parents happy. If that's marriage, that's great, but if a separate living arrangement is best, that's great, too. Having two parents who are cordial to each other, rather than arguing and bickering constantly, is more important to a child...even if that means that the parents live separate lives.

Question #7: Are you marrying for religious reasons alone? Many religions today strongly disapprove of child bearing before marriage, usually due to beliefs against any sexual activity before marriage at all. Feeling full of guilt, women and teenage girls rush off to marry the fathers of their unborn children each year without a moment's thought as to their own futures. However, marrying the father of your child won't erase the past. In other words, two "wrongs" won't make a "right." Marrying for the sake of religion when the deed is done won't correct an action you felt was wrong to begin with. If your religious beliefs are against premarital sex, forgive yourself and move on.

You deserve the wedding of your dreams. Becoming pregnant doesn't have to mean forgoing that happy ending you've always wanted. On that note, understanding that marriage is no ending at all, but instead a very serious beginning, may help you gain a bit of perspective on the matter. Marriage is a wonderful experience for those marrying for the right reasons. When and if you marry at all, do so on your own terms.