Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating a Married Man

What does it say about our society that an article entitled Why Women Should Never Date a Married Man would need to be written? I do cling to fairly old-fashioned values, and of course think that the reason that one should not date a married man (or woman) is the he (she) is married. "You just don't," as my friend Joey would say. Unfortunately, the practice has become quite commonplace, and the realist in me realizes that nothing any one person writes will stop it. Despite that, I would like to agree with, and expound upon, Michelle Knudson's opinions.

Though it may seem simple at the time, and surely with the introduction of alcohol mistakes can be made, the act of cheating in the sense of "dating" or an on-going affair is much more serious than a one-time fling. There are many things to consider, and many questions that a woman should ask herself before entering a relationship with a married man. As with any choice in life, the more you examine the situation and your feelings and motivations before hand, the better then chances that you will make a choice that is good for you.

The Wife

Michelle's main argument against cheating seems to be the wife and her feelings. Unless the married man in question is married to a woman's friend, her sister, or someone else close to her, chances are this is not going to be a big stopping point. It is true that the husband is the one responsible for worrying about the wife's feelings, but before you take that step, try to put yourself in her place. Try also to disregard the negative things the husband may say, unless you know them to be true. He is probably trying to make himself feel justified, and to convince you that it is okay. Ask yourself if you are really comfortable causing a (presumably) innocent and (also presumably) unsuspecting person the pain that this will bring if the affair is revealed.

Christian / Moral Reasons

Morally, how do you feel about being involved with someone else's husband? If you are Christian, you are now breaking the Commandment about coveting, and your partner is breaking the Commandment about adultery. Is that a situation that is comfortable for you? If you are not Christian, most religions have a belief in karma, or a karma-like ruling against harming others. The overall point is simply do you feel comfortable with what you are doing from a moral standpoint? Would you be honest about the situation with your priest or other spiritual adviser?

The Jealousy Factor

Well, if she does not know he is cheating, how can she be jealous? That may be true, but there are two other people in prime position to experience jealousy: you, and the man involved. Will he be jealous of other dates that you have (if you are still dating)? Will he be comfortable with you going out with friends, or to bars and clubs, when he is not with you? Are you prepared to sacrifice any of your freedoms for a man who remains committed to another woman? Will you be jealous of his wife? Will you be comfortable with the time he has to devote to her, and what their relationship may still entail? Are you prepared to give up the public aspect of a relationship (dinner out, movie dates, parties, etc.) if your married lover is unwilling or unable to make his cheating public?

Potential Heartbreak

Are you attached to this person? Do you feel that you are likely to become emotionally attached to this person? Are you hoping for this man to leave his wife for you? These are important questions to ask yourself before becoming involved with a married man. There is a lot of potential of heartbreak in a situation like this, and not all men are really considering divorce, no matter what they say.

What if He Does Divorce Her?

Yes, some men do cheat only when they are with the "wrong person" and it is entirely possible that the man with whom you cheated could be absolutely faithful to you. Unfortunately, that is not the norm. Besides that, you are now trying to build a relationship on a foundation of lies and dishonesty. Even if he was honest with you from the beginning about the fact that he was married, and even if everything he said about his marriage and his feelings for you was accurate, you have seen first hand that honest is disposable to this person when it comes to getting what he wants.

Also, consider the future. Will you be honest with people about how you met? Will you (and he) tell your parents the truth? If you decide to become seriously involved and have children together, what will you tell your children when they ask how you met? While these questions are not necessarily reasons to say no to a relationship with a married man, they are answers that you should have if you feel that you may potentially have a serious, long-term interest in this man.

I will probably always believe that the negatives of getting involved with a married man (or woman) fully outweigh any positives, but I am speaking from a very easy position to say that. The man that I love is not married, or involved with anyone but me. In the end, the choice to involve oneself with someone who is married is a very personal and serious one that we each have to make for ourselves.