Quickie Reality TV Recaps: 'Real Housewives of OC', 'Celebrity Apprentice', 'Dancing With the Stars, 'Bethenny Ever After'

So since there has been an absolute flurry of Reality TV activity around here lately, let's get up to speed on some of these recaps, huh? Asleep at the wheel here, I tells ya!

Anyway...let's do this...

Real Housewives of Orange County

Damn these women are toad people from the planet reptile, aren't they? Ugh... Not one redeeming quality in any of them this week. Peggy wasn't so bad, but well, she's the newbie and we all love the newbies til we get to know them, so it doesn't count.

Like Gretchen...remember when we loved Gretchen? Our love for Gretchen made us hate the evil Tam-RA and she was just a fun loving golddiggin' gal trying to make it in this world. We even loved Gretchy-poo so much once-upon-a-time that we hated that Photoglou guy and...well...live and learn. Gretchen is a soul-less famewhore that went and got the 'reality tv' face jack that made her look like a jack-o-lantern that can't change her expressions, and saddled herself to the manwhore of these realities of the teletubes...Slurpy Smuggles.

So Gretchen being well...Gretchen...decides to do something ridiculously tacky and reset the diamond from her failed marriage to give her mother for her parent's vowel (intentional!) renewal.

GAG ME!!! 'Here mom, I am giving you a token of failure as a token of success for a job well done, and look...I made it with extra Gaudy! Housewives style!"

Sweet Baby Lap Dancing Jesus on a Triscuit, Gretchen! Gross! Why couldn't you just SELL that thing and buy her something else! As someone that has been the victim of the recycled ring (a certain ex gave his mother an old engagement ring of a failed relationship to wear and it squicked me the hell out, and should've seen the signs right there) I find that just so awful, and now so LIKE YOU GRETCHEN. Ugh.

Speaking of failed marriages, let's go over to sad Tamra's house. Tamra's having lotsa sex riding that manmeat Eddie, but she's still sad and sad and sad. Know what I wish? I wish Tamra and Gretchen would just knock it off with this pretending, put those straw cowboy hats back on, bedazzle them tramp stamps and have one big trashy road trip. They're the SAME PERSON. But, really, I didn't like this things with Tamra one bit. It's too soon to burn everything from your failed marriage in effigy. Even if he was a controlling, abusive dickwad. Give it time girl, give it time.

Yes I said the first 'dickwad' so now it's time to talk about Jesus Barbie and Ed Hardy Sr. Here I watched them spend money on some super stupid shit, and I'm all, "wow, I'm really shocked that the house is in foreclosure." And there was botox...hoping ol' Jimbo would go a bridge too far and die of botulism poisoning, I'm sure.

So that's that in the OC I care to talk about this week. I really don't have much to say about Vicki either, except I am DYING to know what insurance business is so pressing at 1am. And oh yeah! I love Fernanda. Sad they put her on the 'B_Team' this season, but it's cute that she's kinda poor and now a boner-fide citizen of these here Estados Unidos.

Celebrity Apprentice

The holy hell is wrong with Meatloaf? Sure I could write some fancy introduction in this spot, but this is a five minute recap, so let's just cut to the chase. Dude is CRAZAZY. Bananas. Go dig wells with Kelly Bensimon, you are officially certifiable. Now, I get that Gary Busey is also insane, but he's got a head injury. And really, is it much more than some TMI, doddering, ADD-ish crazypants nonsense with Busey?

And what's with Mark McGrath walking behind the one they call 'Meat' holding his balls everywhere? "You jump, I jump, Rose!" It's so creepy to watch. Like McGrath is in love or something. Dude, it's just Meatloaf. Kinda-sorta a rock legend, but kinda-sorta not really, amiright?

Also, add my agreeing with Richard Hatch to the list of why I'm going to hell in my freshly decorated handbasket. Jose Canseco pussed out. There I said it. I never claimed to not be a terrible person, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Muchos props to the one and only Marlee Matlin who will cut a bitch. I now dub thee 'Silent But Deadly" because she basically told LaToya that she had the IQ of an avocado and wondered why she wasn't required to wear a helmet when awake.

The women won, raising a record number of money and Ol' Trumpster gave Marlee the opportunity of sparing the dudes because of Jose bouncing out of there early, and she said NO. Ha! And since Trump is doing everything and anything to keep Busey around, Richard Hatch was sent back to prison fired.

Bethenny Ever After

I have to say, I feel a little bit vindicated that the worm is turning a bit with Bethenny and America doesn't seem to be as in love with her as before. Infact, dare I say they might be more than a little bit over her? Personally, I've been over her since 2008, but that's just me.

Last night I wasn't sure if we were having a 40 year old's birthday party or a 2 year old's. Wow. No really...WOW. Heinous. Bitch. On. Wheels. I love that she's releasing a book called A Place of Yes because we're seeing no 'yesses' this season at all. Only foot stomping temper tantrums of a self cenetered, ego maniacal hosebeast. I fully expected the flesh to melt off her face, beams of lava to shoot out of her eyes, and poor Gina to be reduced to ashes when she brought Bryn back for a feeding.

And the meltdown at the party? Um...what? I LOVED Ramona trying to dance around the issue and offer empty explanations for basically Bethenny going batshit and running for the bathroom to make a party about her...more about her...and about her some more.

Let's get Jason his sainthood and call it a day...

Dancing With The Stars

Nobody cares about last night's show, because what everybody is talking about is my beloved Maksim eating it trying to drag Kirstie across the floor in their Samba number. I have to say, i am surprised that he seems to love Kirstie so much, because had it been Brandy from last season, he would have probably kicked her in the head and looked into the camera and said, "I hate her". But he was a gentleman about it, and the dance was really good anyway.

Sugar Ray Leonard pulled the 'boxing' card about two weeks sooner than I thought, but well, what are ya gonna do. You have to play to win, I guess.

I don't know...'Personal Story Night' weirds me out a little every year. I don't like Sambas dedicated to dead people. And of course you get poignant heart wrenching stories like Kirstie Alley's and then a dingbat like Chelsea Kane is all, "Well one time this guy wrote a song for me and guess what it was called! Guess! CHELSEA! So I'm totes dancing to that tonight!"

And really do the recaps matter at this point? It's Hines Ward, Kendra and Kirstie...everyone else squished in the middle somewhere, then Sugar Ray Leonard and Wendy Williams, who is truly awful and needs to go home tonight.

Phew! I did it! I got all caught up! I can go erase my DVR now and make room for all of the upcoming American Idol madness and of course RHONY on Thursday!

Read more: http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/reality-zen-with-jenn/2011/04/quickie-recap-round-up-real-housewives-of-oc-celebrity-apprentice-dancing-with-the-stars-and-bethenny-ever-after.html#ixzz1IgZgWGXm