Raising Children: Parental Hypocrisy

You cannot discipline with words alone. Parents usually realize that their children soak up information from them like sponges. But they don't seem to fully understand that everything a parent does or does not do is under close scrutiny. Our children are like mirrors; every good aspect about ourselves, and every flaw, will manifest itself in them. The big problem we have as parents is the fact that sometimes we don't like to look into these mirrors and we become hypocritical when raising our children. Remember when you were a child and you said your first swear word? Your mother said, "Shame on you. Where did you hear such language?" And you responded, "I heard it from you, mom!" And mom, in her embarrassment, said, "Well I never..."

It's so easy to fall prey to hypocrisy.

You have to remember that every action you take is showing your children how to live life. It's not the words that you say. When you come home from work, order out for dinner, watch television for a few hours, then go to bed, you're teaching your children that this is life. Don't wonder why they won't eat their vegetables at the next meal, why they don't want to go outside but would rather watch cartoons, why they can't seem to communicate with you. You can yell at them all you want, but your words will mean nothing unless they see you perform the same actions. You have to eat vegetables if you want them to. You have to initiate conversations with them if you want them to do so also.

Your words are more meaningful to your children when you avoid hypocrisy. When you want your children to clean their room, you have to show them that you clean up after yourself too. It's not a magic cure; cleaning up after yourself will not automatically make your children have neat rooms. But when you are not a hypocrite, your children are more likely to listen to you. Think about it, do you like hearing things from a hypocrite? Of course not. Then don't expect your offspring to hear you when you ask them to clean their rooms if you can't clean your own.

Avoiding hypocrisy requires you to study your own actions and those of your children. You don't have to write down everything that's wrong with them or spend hours meditating on your own flaws to avoid it. The most important thing is to watch out for warning signs and change yourself when you see them. That's it.

The biggest warning sign is laziness.

For example, when you ask your children to pick up the house and they only put one thing away and then sit back down on the couch, there's a problem. This is when you examine your own actions before you yell at them. What are you doing at the present moment? If you're sitting on the couch demanding that they pick up the whole mess, you're being a hypocrite. It's no wonder they sat right back down.

When was the last time you picked up the house? Children aren't as experienced as you are in this world. They don't understand why they have to do something if you've stopped doing it. Remember, you're trying to teach them how to live, and living is certainly not done from a couch. Even if you explain to them the distinction of chores, "Mommy does this, Daddy does that, and your job is to pick up the house," it is your actions that they will mimic. You must do the very things that you wish them to do until they are old enough to understand that everyone has their own chores.

Another warning sign is rebellion.

Keep in mind that to a child, hypocrisy is akin to lying. When your words don't match your actions, it hurts your reputation with your children. They will stop caring about the things you say. When they stop caring, they will rebel. Sometimes the rebellion is overt. They will defy you when you ask them to do a chore. So remember to always display self control and review your actions first, before you decide to reprimand them. If you realize that they're rebelling because they don't know how to express their frustrations with your hypocrisy, you need to resolve the issue.

In order to fix some of the problems that come with hypocrisy, it's not always enough that you stop being hypocritical.

You should let your children know that you were wrong for leaving things up to them. You could say, "You know children, I just realized that I've been getting lazy around the house ever since I started giving you chores and I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be mean when I ask for your help. I really do appreciate it. Why don't we all work together to get this done so we can have a nice, clean house and go to the park later." When your children are old enough to reason for themselves, you can then dole out chores to each one, but until that time, they will need you to work with them or they will feel betrayed when they're left alone with the job. Yes, you can get a five year old to clean his room alone, but once in awhile you need to clean it with him when you notice that he's starting to get absent minded about it. It reinforces your words and proves to him that what he's doing is important, important enough that you are willing to do it too.

You as a parent are training your children to live in this world. How you live is displayed by your actions, bolstered by your words. When your words don't match your actions, don't punish the children for it. Fix yourself first and your children will be much more compliant.