Raising Human Kids

We all have personal reasons for having children. whether vocalized or not. Although I'm very clear on my determination to give birth, my experience suggests that numerous other factors drive the urge toward childbirth. One is certainly the opportunity to impart values social, religious or spiritual. Another is often creating an opportunity for vicarious success or as alternative to a career. Finally, I have known those who had control issues that needed a target or who had an unspoken need to make some sort of contribution to society.

Regardless of the reason for procreation, I believe that the responsibilities of parenting are more serious than any other. During a speaking engagement as recently as yesterday, I shared that having children was by far the most important action that I could hope to accomplish. With that realization early and conclusively reached, I have developed a few thoughts that may be illuminating, particularly to new parents.

If you were to ask my two children what their mother's mantra is and always has been, they would both say, "Drive your own car." In addition to having taught both of them to drive and using this as a lesson in maneuvering through traffic, it has also been a metaphor for making their own decisions.

Parents in my way of looking at the world are not directors, despots or sheriffs. From the time that they were very, very tiny, I made it necessary for my children to make their own decisions. In those cases where the consequences were potentially serious or damaging, it was generally posed as a question: "Would you rather stay here with me or run around on the street with the possibility of being hit by a car?"

At no time was baby talk allowed with my children. When scolded or criticized about speaking to them with elevated diction, my response was always the same. "These are intelligent human beings who need to learn how the English language works, the sooner the better." It's unlikely that all of the useless nonsense syllables would have served them very well in a corporate board room if they choose to populate or preside in one.

Emanating from this manner of speaking is the fact that my children always felt respected, no matter how young. I would never embarrass either of them, publicly or privately. The sense of discomfort that I feel in a store when I hear a parent insulting or criticizing kids in a loud voice reinforces my position. Kids don't deserve to be humiliated, no matter how active or inappropriate. On a very general basis, kids who act out in such ways are often delivered too little attention, too little love or too little respect.

Perhaps it's luck that my kids never acted out in public. Most likely, it's more easily attributed to the fact that they never saw their father or me angry. I never had to put them on time out, speak severely to them or drag them kicking and screaming from a restaurant. It was always about choices - "If you continue to complain about the restaurant or the food, we won't be able to eat out any more. Is that what you want?" If that doesn't work, the heavier approach is "Do you realize that you are making your Dad and me unhappy? How you would like to make us feel?"

Regardless of the fact that both of my kids have evolved into intelligent, respectful and high integrity adults, I have made a conscious decision never to have taken credit for any of their achievements or attributes. Both of them have accumulated significant honors and awards at which I was always the cheerleader. But in no way am I responsible, directly or indirectly, for what they have accomplished.. For as much as this might seem a contradiction, I do not find it so.

Let your kids have full credit, positive or negative, for what they do. Each victory will be greater, each disappointment will be a lesson. By no means does this suggest that I didn't celebrate everything, large and small, that they have done, because I have. But I believe that they need to have full responsibility from an early age, minimizing the tendency to blame others later in life.

No, I have no doctorate in behavioral or child psychology nor am I a licensed social worker. My upbringing and life circumstances have taught me volumes about what I learned to do and not to do as a parent. The best I can hope is that those experiences and the blessing of two remarkable, intelligent and loving children have provided me with some wisdom that I can impart to others. Better yet, if they elect to continue their blood lines, I hope that they learned something of value to pass on to their children.