Raising a Successful, Independent Child

The story is all too common. Kids feel pressured to perform beyond their capabilities. Especially in today's academic environment, performing consistently well can put an enormous amount of pressure on students as early as fifth grade. How can we push our children to succeed without creating a stressful situation?

I was very fortunate. Growing up, I never felt any undue pressure to achieve greatness. I attended school before the parade of standard tests were introduced by legislators. My parents simply expected that I do my best and rewarded me when I surpassed my own goals. While I had my share of glory on the honor role, I was more or less, a slightly above average student. My mother often helped me with my homework, and sometimes my father helped me with difficult math problems. Even then, I experienced times when my grades fell below a C. In those events, I was naturally disappointed, as were my parents. Instead of grounding me, or submitting me to some sort of unreasonable discipline, however, my parents talked to me: why had I failed this class? Was the material too difficult? These conversations, although few and far between, actually achieved a positive result. I tried harder during the next grading period, took advantage of tutoring, and was more proactive in talking to my teacher when I didn't understand the subject matter. This often produced an improved performance on my part and made me feel a sense of accomplishment that I had overcome a difficult hurdle.

I had several classmates whose parents expected nothing less than straight A's. Mistakes were not tolerated. Induction to the National Honor Society was a requirement. Winning in whatever contests they entered was a must. Constantly feeling pressured, these kids anguished over a B. I once asked a friend of mine why she was upset over her grade of 89. My friend replied, "I have to get straight A's or my parents will punish me!" And then she burst into tears.

Imagine the pressure of the young high school student struggling to maintain a perfect 4.0 average, even in a subject he/she finds exceedingly complicated. Imagine the sense of failure that a child feels when pressured to achieve first place in a contest or sporting event, only to come in second, or worse, third place?

Is it right to demand excellence of our children? I say, no, not when the demands are unreasonable and potentially unachievable. There is a huge difference between encouraging excellence and demanding it. A parent who places more emphasis on the amount of effort the child makes, rather than the results is bound to have a happier child than the parent who will not stand for anything less than greatness. Of course, all parents expect their children to do well in school. Seeing an F on Junior's report card shouldn't necessarily lead to irrational parental behavior. Parents should hold their child accountable for the failure, but also, they should look within and ask themselves, "What more could I have done to prevent this?"

I once had a friend whose fifteen-year old son failed the tenth grade. He was a brilliant young man who had tested very highly on intelligence tests. And yet his grades were pathetic. He failed English. He failed math. He failed science. His mother didn't understand that her self-absorbed behavior was as much a part of his academic demise as his own irresponsibility. Her own obsession with pleasing herself took precedence over her son's needs. At one point, her son plaintively told me, "She doesn't see me, she's never there for me when I need her." And when the report card came in the mail, and it was confirmed he would have to repeat the tenth grade, my friend reacted very badly. Instead of confronting the issue in a constructive manner, she packed him off to live with his grandparents for the summer because she "couldn't stand to look at him." If my friend had taken a more active role in his schooling, if she had given him positive reinforcement by acknowledging his abilities, rather than pointing out his shortcomings and calling him awful names, things could have been much different. In this case, she unwittingly pushed her son not to succeed, but to fail.

The habit of a successful and happy child starts very early. When my brothers were just four years old (they are both now forty-four), my parents gave them a job to do: wash dishes after dinner. My mother still has a photo in her album of my brothers on chairs washing and drying dishes. They were instilled with a sense of responsibility and the understanding that a job well done could reap the reward of praise. When my brothers were fourteen, they asked my parents to buy them expensive clothes so they could fit in with the crowd. My parents told them, "If you don't like what we buy you, get a job so you can buy what you want." Because of this, my brothers began working at a pizza parlor when they were just freshman in high school, saving their money so they could buy the things they wanted. My parents expected them to focus on schoolwork first and foremost, and took an active role in their education. Never were they overly demanding, but they expected them to live up to their potential. By encouraging my brothers to become independent, they helped shaped them into responsible adults. By encouraging them to achieve academic success, my parents made it a positive goal for them. Both are now highly successful in their respective fields, and I firmly believe it is mainly in part to my parents' belief and faith in their abilities.

Here are some things parents can do to help their children accomplish their goals:

Be a positive force in your child's life. When he/she experiences failure, let them know it's not the end of the world, but rather, an opportunity to improve. Openly discuss the issue, and let your child know that not only do you believe they can do better, but that you will be there for them if necessary.

Never do your child's work for them. If you see them struggling with a problem, it's tempting to point out the correct answer, or take the pen away and do it yourself. Don't. As much as you believe this will help them learn, it will only help them be dependent on you.

Don't be a pushy parent. Don't set outrageous goals that you, yourself wouldn't be able to achieve.

Don't attempt to live vicariously through your child. If you force him/her to participate in an activity simply because you never had a chance to yourself, you risk breeding resentment and behavioral disorders in them, especially if the activity isn't really one they want to do.

Don't be over-protective. Children who live in an overly sheltered life risk having difficulty in developing social skills, coping skills, and often develop a sense of entitlement that can carry over well into adulthood.

Expect your child to develop a sense of independence early. When he/she knows you are letting them do their own thing you're setting the stage for their future success. By allowing your child to develop a sense of autonomy and self-reliance, you are giving them the gift of self-confidence.

Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities at home. Praise a job well done and try not to be overly critical if your child isn't able to do a perfect job, especially if they are young. Instead, let them learn by watching you and practicing.

We all want our children to be successful in whatever they do. It is our responsibility as adults and parents to make sure we set healthy goals and boundaries in order for them to achieve their fullest potential.