Ramblings of a Deranged Brain on Red Bull - Funny Sh- Shtuff!

Ever get the urge to spout off a bunch of crap - utter nonsense that makes you think and laugh out loud at the same time? I do. And today, dear friends, I share some of my crap with you. Aren't you the lucky one?

So, without further adeau, my deranged, sleep-deprived brain shall now commence with the random ramblings...

1. I seriously think I need to start driving a buggy, pulled by a billy goat, to save gas. I wonder if the local town cops would pull me over in my billy goat cart. And what if my goat ran a stop sign? How would they write the ticket? What if he ate the stop sign? Would it still be failure to stop at a stop sign if one doesn't exist anymore?

2. Why can't I just drive on the shoulder or the grassy part of the roadways and forget paying for tags, titles, insurance, and gas tax altogether?

3. If what goes up must come down, could someone please explain to me why there's ketchup splatters on my kitchen ceiling?

4. I think it would be funny to carry around a stuffed bird, like a bluebird, so that when I get mad at people I could flip them "the bird" without being vulgar.

5. Did you ever get the feeling you're being watched, only to turn around and its a mouse that has chewed a hole in your wall?

6. Losing weight is great, until you eat food that actually tastes like something other than cardboard.

7. I like money, but money doesn't like me - that's why it goes away so fast.

8. Why can't we all forget going to work, the store, dr's appointments, school, church, or anywhere else for that matter, and instead just do it all from home using our computers. Then all of our butts could grow ten times bigger than they are now.

9. Here's a unique idea for people who want to work from home. Go around to your neighbors and ask them if they want to get rid of any junk. Then have a perpetual yard sale out of your garage, selling their stuff. Why not?

10. Ever feel like being a total butt-inski and start questioning people for the sake of questioning? For the sheer entertainment of the resulting frustration? Try it sometime. Its a cheap thrill.

11. I like cheese, so long as there's no maggots or mold in it. You other foodies who do, you keep your infestations to yourselves, thanks so much.

12. I think the show "The View" is the most annoying show on the TV. A bunch of middle aged women sitting around arguing about who-gives-a-care what isn't my cup of tea. Exactly whose "view" is their "view" supposed to be representing, anyway?

13. I am a firm believer in lazy living. Especially when it comes to doing laundry. I keep two laundry baskets in my closet - one for clean, one for dirty. I pick it out of the clean, I wear it, I toss it in the dirty. And that's pretty good too, because my dear husband can't even do that. He's so lazy, he wears something, he tosses it on the back of chairs, hangs it on door handles, flops it over the back of the toilet, wherever it happens to land. A few days later he may or may not wear it again, after giving it the sniff test. More often than not, the article of clothing just stays there till he moves it. Nice.

14. Why can't I just hook a great big kite to the back of my truck, so the wind can pull me down the highway?

15. I would really like to know where the gray hair fairy lives, so I can send an asassin in her direction. Nobody wants them things lady, really.

16. Could someone please explain to the hospital nurses in this country that, when a patient calls, it means that, you know, they NEED you for something? If you see that pager go off, nurses, you might want to, you know, go see what the patient is calling about? Truthfully, your coffee or gossip can wait. Your patients need pain meds, help getting to/from the toilet, or whatever. Besides, I'm thinking that, oh I dunno, its like.... your job? We patients shouldn't have to have family members with us 24/7 to babysit you, to make sure you do your job properly. Thanks so much.

17. I need to go into the private service industry. ANY industry, as it would appear. $75 an hour for motorcycle repairs? $200 an hour for a birthday party clown? $250 an hour for a basic, low-end attorney consultation? Hmmm

18. Isn't it so very interesting how people with low-end jobs describe themselves with fancy names, to make what they do sound better? Examples: Drainage Engineer - Ditch Digger, Methane Emissions Specialist - Plumber or City Sewer worker, Early Childhood Development Specialist - Brood of Brats Babysitter, School Dietician - Lunch Lady, you get the picture.

19. If you're a dude, never go around singing this song from the Lion King, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, diddly diddly, there they are all standing in a row, bum bum bum..."

20. Word of advice to ladies... Not to be rude, but um, if you're quite overweight, would you please avoid choosing spandex and bikini tops for your attire? From one lady to another, it doesn't help.

21. I read that our government now taxes cow farts. Isn't that lovely? I wonder when they are going to start taxing people farts. Wouldn't surprise me one bit!

22. Westboro Baptist Church likes to protest at military funerals, and recently, at children's funerals too. Maybe they need to start protesting themselves, cuz I can see a good two dozen things that they are doing wrong against the word of God that needs a good protesting!

23. I often hear parents cuzzing their kids in public, especially in parking lots. And you know, this has just been my observation, but every single one of those parents have been driving old junker cars, with half-smoked cigarrettes dangling out of their mouths, sporting greasy, stringly hair, wearing clothes that look like they came out of dumpster, and using words like "ain't" and "git cher". Hmmm, cream of the crop there, aren't they?

24. Just when you think nobody cares what you do, say, or think, somebody actually does!