Rand Paul's Top Six Reasons You Should Worship Aqua Buddha

So, not only is Rand Paul a politician, he's also a comedian. Rand got in a good zinger against Newt Gingrich at the Congressional Correspondents' Dinner last Wednesday. Since it appears to me that Newt Gingrich's strength is not comedy I thought I would help him out a little.

Now you know this Rand Paul could very well be president someday. And we've heard this guy has tried to force religion on others in the past, so there's every reason to believe he'll try to do it again. Watch out Christians, watch out Muslims, a whole new dominant religion could be on its way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

And so here are Rand Paul's Top Six Reasons to Worship Aqua Buddha;

Reason #6

Christmas, and the pressure it puts on parents to rack up credit card debt, is nonexistent. On the celebration of Aqua Buddha's day of birth followers share a bowl of soup with loved ones. To further lessen the stress of this major holiday, followers in recent years have dropped the requirement that the soup be homemade.

Reason #5

Giving up one's vices, as the Christian religion does for 40 days a year, has no place in the Aqua Buddha religion. On the same days as Lent, Aqua Buddha followers practice Spent. The idea here is to focus on a vice and indulge in it as much as possible. The outcome of Spent is always beneficial; either you tire of your vice and drop it or you have the best six weeks of your life.

Reason #4
There are no funny hats in this religion. Divisions within the Aqua Buddhist hierarchy are denoted by the tightness of the priest's Speedos. If you're low holy man on the pole you're wearing something akin to boxers and if you're top dog-well let's just say nothing is left to the imagination.

Reason #3
Contrary to what you may have heard, adherents (bakers) to the Aqua Buddha religion are not forced to take bong hits during worship. Although bingers are encouraged, they are not required.

Reason #2
Tired of reciting the ultra-long Lord's Prayer? The official prayer that the Aqua Buddhists pray to their God is "Hey, how you doing'? A little help today? Thanks." That's it!!

And the #1 reason to worship Aqua Buddha

Has carrying around that gigantic bible or hefty Koran got your back out of whack? The Aqua Buddha holy book consists of just 3 books, 3 chapters each, and weighs in at just under a pound, hard cover. And there are no Thee's or Thou's here. In fact, the latest version incorporates a lot of Text Message Shorthand to further cut down on study time. Take for instance this passage from Book 2, chapter 2 verses 12-18, "OMG, WTF did our Lord just say?"