Random Politician to Make Generic Statement Today to Appease Masses

WASHINGTON | White House press corps members are assembling for an announcement from a vaguely stereotypical politician today, in the hopes of keeping the masses calm long enough for Congress to work on the next bill designed to stifle prosperity for anyone except the oligarchy and suck the overall joy out of life.

An un-named White House correspondent, speaking on behalf of the rest of the press corps, and on condition of anonymity, commented monotonously on the anticipated message, "This is merely a formality. My report is already typed up and ready to submit. We'll hear the cookie-cutter, pre-planned message, loaded with vague references to the struggle of the American people, sprinkled with references to God and how lucky we are to live in such a free country. But I'll only need to pick which regurgitated report I'm sending in. People believe anything said by someone in a tie. To tell you the truth, most of these press conferences could just as easily be pre-recorded."

Our source continued with, "Who really cares about what affects the populace, anyway? As long as the tax dollars keep rolling in and they see us as their superiors, we just use vague double-speak to keep our cattle complacent. Vague references to God help with it. When that doesn't work, we bring up football or talk about supporting the troops or the war on terror to keep them scared. Works like a charm."

The announcement scheduled for today is anticipated to be a follow-up of previous statements regarding issues upon which Americans have frequently stated their positions and which government has thus far successfully side-stepped or ignored altogether. Washington insiders state they expect the message to be supplemented with at least six somber-looking old men standing around the speaker, in order to enhance the apparent seriousness of the announcement.

Following the mass-produced press release, FOX News correspondents plan to respond with scripted commentary, designed to enrage their viewers into starting the next thoughtless Facebook copy and paste status update meme war campaign. Experts may go with the possibility of centering the conflict around a scandal involving puppies and small children in order to utilize weapons of mass distraction such as NOW, PETA and Sean Hannity. So far though, government officials have made no decision as to which citizen needs to die for the sake of emotional appeal.