Random Thoughts as I Watch the CMA Awards

I love watching awards shows and one of my favorites is the CMA Awards (Country Music Awards Awards) because I know that them there country folks sure do know how to put on one rootin'-tootin', shit-kickin' show. But mainly it's because they have lots of purty girls, and purty girls are all it takes to hold my attention. So join me as I throw on my cowboy hat, slip on my boots, sit back naked in my recliner, spit tobacco and watch the CMAs.

Carrie Underwood is a purty girl. Brad Paisley is not.

Carrie and Brad make Kanye West reference #1 by singing a lame-ass tune called "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Kanye." Suddenly, I don't hate Kanye as much as I did before.

Miranda Lambert is a purty girl who also looks like one real nasty broad who could cause a guy a lot of pain. And I mean that in a good way.

Brad Paisley's wife, Kimberly Williams, is a purty girl.

Even though he's new to the world of country music, former Hootie and the Blowfish front man Darius Rucker is already second only to Charley Pride on the list of greatest black country singers of all time. Quite an accomplishment.

What's up with Sugarland? They are two people. You can't give yourself a group name when there are only two of you-two does not constitute a group! And what the hell is the story with Lady Antebellum? There are three of them-two guys and a chick-yet they have the name of a single person. Is the female member of the group Lady? Is Antebellum her last name? WTF?

Kellie Pickler is a purty girl-dumb as hell, but purty.

Every time I see Kid Rock, I feel like I have to take a shower.

As Lee Ann Rimes-another purty girl-presents the award for Male Vocalist of the Year, I'm thinking she'd be a great candidate for Home-Wrecker of the Year.

Reba McIntyre is warbling another one of her crap songs while dressed in a sleeveless top designed to accentuate her sagging, 54-year-old mammaries. She's also wearing knee-high leather boots and extremely tight black pants and looks like a biker chick ready to get bombed out of her head and take on a barroomful of fat, ugly guys on top of a pool table. That's where my mind goes when I'm bored shitless.

Little Jimmy Dickens-who has been dead for many years-is pulled from the grave long enough to give the audience Kanye West reference #2.

Julianne Hough is a purty girl.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr., who drives in circles for a living, appears to have the intellect of a guy who drives in circles for a living.

George Strait is wailing some awful tune about "twang" and I want to hop on a plane, fly to Nashville, climb on the stage, and beat him to death with his guitar.

They're announcing Broadcast Personalities of the Year and the "small market" winners are a couple of radio dimwits who go by the name "Gator & the StyckMan." I want to smack the crap out of guys like that.

Martina McBride is a purty girl.

Despite controversy over her rumored steroid use, Barbara Mandrell is finally inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

In her acceptance speech for Tallest 19-year-old Girl Named Taylor Who Plays a Guitar and Sings, Taylor Swift makes Kanye West reference #3.

In an apparent effort to keep a professional musician from ruining this cute little amateur show, Dave Matthews is only allowed to sing roughly three words in his duet with Kenny Chesney.

As she prepares to present an award with her husband, Faith Hill sends me telepathic messages that she's had enough of being married to that loser Tim McGraw and wants desperately to hook up with me. All in due time, Faith. All in due time.

Faith Hill is a purty girl.

I wasn't listening to what this final award is, but I'm guessing from all the fuss and the tears that Taylor Swift has just been named Prom Queen.

Highlight of the Show: Rascal Flatts doesn't perform. I hate that nasally, fat turd with the big nose and the porcupine hair.