Random Thoughts - a Transcript of the Voices in My Head

I'm either cursed or blessed with a regular stream of random thoughts that come to me at all hours of the day. What others may consider an unwanted internal monologue of voices in their head, I think of as flashes of inspiration or wisdom (I use these words loosely here). Some of these flashes disappear as soon as they arrive (which is probably a good thing), but others linger for whatever reason and if I find any of these the least bit humorous or profound (to me, not necessarily anyone else), I try to write them down and share them via Facebook or on Twitter.

Not all of these random thoughts are gold, and some may require a little extra thought or careful reading, but don't spend too much time on them, I certainly didn't. I didn't sit down and try to actively think up any of these. No, these were mental drive-bys. Many of these thoughts come to me during my daily commute, or while exercising, when my mind tends to wander. Some were triggered by snippets of daily conversations, or the residual fallout from the constant barrage of information that we are all bombarded with daily in our frenetic 24/7 sound bite media environment.

I have collected some of these thoughts here in one place. I hope they make you look at things a little differently, make you laugh or at the very least elicit a smile or a smirk. If you like what you read, you can follow me on Twitter @TheTweetOfBob where you can have a front row seat to my random thoughts.

Advice/Suggestions/Rules

One thing you probably didn't learn in kindergarten but should be obvious - Don't Tweet Your Junk (DTYJ). No one likes junk mail.

Rules to live by - Don't go camping with toothless banjo players.

What to say if you bend over and rip your pants - "Britches, please."

What to say if someone dings your door in the parking lot - "Oh no you dent."

The next time you're busted for public nudity, tell the policeman it's the rapture and that you will put in a good word for him if he lets you off with a warning.

Let your conscience be your guide. Sociopaths, you're just going to have to wing it.

How to know if you are socially inept - you refer to the last day of spring as summer's eve.

Animals

I don't know whether to be frightened or impressed, but my dog just gave me the Sup nod.

I keep a bag of Goldfish crackers next to the aquarium to remind my fish that they have it pretty good.

My dog has a painting in his dog house of me and the guys in the neighborhood playing fetch. I bet him and his poker buddies get a kick out of that.

To all Planet of the Apes fans, Primates conquering the earth isn't necessarily a bad thing. Does anyone else remember when the Monkees conquered our hearts in 1966?

Celebrity and Celebrities

So Ashton Kutcher is rumored to have had a mistress. I guess he was only Semi-Moore.

Hey Hank Williams Jr., Are you ready for some foot in mouth?

Has anyone else noticed that if you listen to Jesse Ventura's voice, it sounds identical to the voice of the Kevin character on The Office?

It should be at the very least a misdemeanor with a substantial fine if you try to extend your fifteen minutes of fame past its expiration.

Economy and Business

Money talks, it just doesn't talk to me.

Keeping up with the Joneses is hard if they had a head start.

I think the only thing preventing a merger between Federal Express and United Parcel Service is that no one is going to want to ship their packages with a carrier called FEDUP.

What next big banks? Charge a fee to customers that have the letters A T M in their names? If your name is Tammy or Matt, this means you.

Education and Athletics

People who claim to give 110% only gave 40% in math class.

I majored in short hand and minored in speed reading. It only took a year for me to earn my degree.

A little college is a dangerous thing.

Duck, Duck, Goose should be an Olympic event

Food and Diet

All we are saying is give peas a chance.

A sandwich is just a socially acceptable way to eat with your hands.

Dietary tip: Don't eat a burrito bigger than your shoe. You're welcome.

I'm lactose tolerant. I'm okay with any kind of milk regardless of its origin.

Health and Beauty

I've never suffered from impotence. Knock on wood.

Beauty is only skin deep, and the more skin you have the harder it is to find.

Freedom of speech applies to all of the voices in my head. I know my Sybil Rights.

I stand corrected. Thanks to a great chiropractor.

Booty is only skin deep.

I've been diagnosed with restless middle finger syndrome. It seems to flare up the worst during rush hour.

The greatest downside to being a famous athlete is that the health status of your groin is public information.

I suffer from narcolepsy, but you can't really tell because I also sleepwalk and talk in my sleep simultaneously.

My lousy insurance won't cover Bieber Fever. They claim it's a pre-teen existing condition. I'd switch providers but they still cover Beatlemania.

Guys who are unusually moody and cranky on a monthly basis are suffering from HE M.S.

My friend with benefits requires a $50.00 co-pay.

Idioms Gone Wild

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a square.

People who live in glass houses probably had a bad realtor.

A rose by any other name would make Valentine's Day even more confusing for guys.

A leopard doesn't change its spots, unless the leopard is sitting next to you on a plane and demands your window seat - you're probably going to let him sit wherever he wants.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Dirtiness is usually next you on the bus.

People who live in glass houses can't hang pictures on their walls.

Infrequently Asked Questions

If you are skimming adult magazines just for dirty jokes you can retell, is that considered low browse?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a pedestrian crosses the street legally, is he kaywalking?

When garbage men talk bad about their jobs, is that considered trash talk?

Is parallel parking easier in a parallel universe?

Is it wrong to give a shout out to a librarian?

Do bachelors single space all of their correspondence?

If it were truly a "gentlemen's" club, would its members transact primarily in one dollar bills?

If a comedian works a juggling bit into his comedy routine, is it considered a ball gag?

If you're abducted by aliens and they examine and probe you, is that considered universal health care?

Do bald guys ever experience a had hair day?

Do you have to use air quotes when you repeat what a pilot said?

Marketing Opportunities and Innovation

I've cornered an untapped market. I sell fully stocked Piñatas to anger management groups. Everyone wins, because who doesn't like candy?

Missed marketing opportunity - Googly eyes contact lenses for mentally unbalanced individuals - Sure it's a limited customer base (psychologically unstable people in need of corrected vision), but wouldn't you rather know who you are riding in an elevator with before that door closes?

If the Web domain hadn't already been taken, I would have created a search engine for locating every joke ever told called Giggle.com

I have created a very advanced toy - an MC Escher Sketch

Observations

My guess is that everyone in prison thinks outside the box.

Kidding is just lying with a smile.

If someone says a little birdie told them something, you think nothing of it. But if they say Big Bird told them something, that's a completely different matter.

I find many challenges in life as easy as pi (3.14159)

The Egyptians were responsible for running first pyramid scheme.

Wildfires? Aren't all fires wild? A tamed fire would just be ash.

This is the last straw... No really, I used the last one. Remind me to buy some more.

Father's Day is just another Arbor Day for deadbeat dads.

A holiday overlooked by the greeting card industry - Crime Boss' Day

There's no big difference between your employer forcing you to work overtime and an audience requesting an encore from a musician.

Politics and Politicians

Chris Christie can't run. I don't mean for President, I mean he literally can't run.

I think all those candidates that said God told them to run, are mistaken; I think God meant to run from His wrath, not run for president.

A brief summary of the Republican debates thus far: You put your right wing in, you take your right wing out you put your right wing in and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, that's what it's all about.

I won't rest until Donald Trump produces a birth certificate for his hair.

Representative Weiner has singlehandedly given a whole new meaning to the term junk mail.

Justice Prosser, I thought you guys were opposed to strangulating from the bench.

If Newt's marital history hasn't destroyed the institution of marriage, then gay marriage won't for sure.

Nanny state? I didn't realize Fran Drescher wielded that much power.

Pop Culture

I'm having pop culture confusion. I don't know whether to walk like an Egyptian or talk like a pirate.

A crowd of old dudes in trench coats exposed themselves to me simultaneously. I don't think they were clear on the concept of Flash Mob.

When you stand up and sing the Star Spangled Banner at a sporting event, you are basically participating in group karaoke. Thank you Francis Scott Key for bringing a nation of tone deaf, no-talent drunks out of its shell.

Little known fact - in the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, jazz hands beat everything.

Radio/Television/Film and Social Media

I'm pitching a new cutting edge prime time crime show that parents can enjoy with their kids - CsiCarly

The danger in communicating in 140 characters or less is that you risk confining your thinking to 140 characters or less.

Don't mess with textes especially when driving.

A spinoff of the classic Three Stooges show targeted to pre teens - iCurly

Don't shoot the messenger. It's probably not a good idea to message the shooter either.

Why would I watch reality TV? I have reality going on all around me.

People who watch reality TV regularly and buy into it are actively contributing to the dumbing down of society.

You never see a Tarintino in the park production.

If you're a professional actor and your costar is an animal, it's time to get a new agent. Oh, and make sure that it's a human.

I'm watching CSI Mayberry and I'm thinking Goober killed the hooker.

I don't see a big difference between kids making athletic shoes in third world sweat shops and Toddlers & Tiaras.

Every time I hear the Dow is in a free fall, I say "give Tony a break, Jerry Mathers hasn't had much work since Leave it to Beaver either.

On Twitter and Facebook I'm just transcribing the voices in my head.

Religion/Life and the Afterlife

At least when Blondie warned of the Rapture , she put it to music so it wasn't a total loss.

How bad can hell be if it can fit in a hand basket?

I see a lot of I Love Jesus bumper stickers. Personally, I think he just wants to be friends.

Three words that do not belong together - Vacation Bible School

It's been said that when a door closes, God opens a window. However, I have it on good authority, that God doesn't do windows.

I'm pro-life. And by pro-life I mean I would rather be alive than dead.

Technology

Whoa! Just realized my phone has booty call waiting.

I broke the screen on my Kindle trying to read a pop-up book.

Barnes & Noble will be releasing an E reader targeted specifically to readers of erotic fiction. It will be called the Nookie.

I'm so laid back I have a snooze button on my smoke alarm.

All headphones are noise canceling headphones if you turn the volume up loud enough.

Travel

I hate flying coach because the flight attendants always make me run laps.

Quick rule of thumb: You need at least one to hitchhike.

Whenever I fly coach, I wear a whistle around my neck.

Words and Language

What's the abbreviation for the word abbreviation?

Spelling counts. Think of how the course of history could've changed if Lee Harvey Oswald had gotten his last job in a whorehouse instead of a warehouse.

I mispronounce you "hisband and wiff."

I have irritable vowel syndrome. A, E, I, O, U and sometimes even Y really annoy me. Consonants don't bother me so much.

I hope people understand when they mistakenly say, "the point is mute, but..." I don't hear the rest of what they have to say, unless they unmute it.

"He" is a pronoun. "Sh" is a semi-pronoun.

I'm not going to lie. I find a perverse pleasure shouting the word "redundant" in places where my voice echoes.

I remember the day the thesaurus factory burned down. Everyone was at a loss for words.

"It" is a small word after all.

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