Ranking the Presidents of the United States

We've had 42 of them (43 if you count Grover Cleveland twice) and I have attempted to rank our fabulous leaders based on an intricate formula combining their leadership abilities (2.5%) and my own twisted values (97.5%). Since a majority of these men have been nothing more than uninteresting puppets of powerful people, they are more or less lumped together in the middle of the rankings. I mean who the hell knows how effective Chester A. Arthur was as President?

Anyway, here they are ranked best to worst...

Caution: While a majority of what is presented here is based on fact, certain details may have been slightly fabricated by the author because the author likes to make up crap.

1. George Washington

Any guy with the nickname "The Father of our Country" has to be pretty goddamn important. So he gets the nod for numero uno. Plus he had that bitchin' white hairdo.

2. Abraham Lincoln

"Honest Abe" spent his entire term as President struggling to hold the country together through a bloody civil war. And he did so while having to deal with the eccentricities of his loony tunes wife. One day in particular, Mrs. Lincoln couldn't decide what dress to wear as they prepared to go out for the evening. A frustrated Abe finally blew his top, "I need this like I need a hole in the head! Now get your ass dressed and let's get to the theatre, we're going to be late!" And the rest is, as they say, history.

3. Franklin D. Roosevelt

This man had polio, was saddled with the task of pulling the country out of the Great Depression and declared war on the Japanese after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. On top of that, he had to sleep with a man named Eleanor Roosevelt. Anyone who can handle all that deserves a slot near the top.

4. Thomas Jefferson

Dude writes the Declaration of Independence, gets elected President and bangs Sally Hemings, who Benjamin Franklin liked to call "the Halle Berry of servitude." Now that's just showing off!

5. John F. Kennedy

If you nailed Marilyn Monroe, you get a very high ranking on this list. Oh, and JFK also inspired an entire generation of young Americans to get involved by telling them to "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." Plus, he averted possible nuclear disaster with his firm but diplomatic handling of the Cuban Missile Crisis. But really, it was bopping Marilyn that is most impressive.

6. William J. Clinton

Like his hero JFK, Bill never let his marriage get in the way of an active sex life. And he gave us eight years of the kind of stability we now long for, which would probably be enough to put him ahead of Kennedy on this list. But Monica is no Marilyn, so he loses points.

7. Theodore Roosevelt

He fought in the Spanish-American War and built the Panama Canal and his face is on Mt. Rushmore. But the main reason he is high on this list is because he said "Speak softly and carry a big stick," which I like to think was his way of encouraging men to be soft-spoken porn stars.

8. John Adams

The 2^nd President of the United States, Adams was involved in the development of both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He was also the first to reside in the White House and is credited with deciding that it be painted white. His wife Abigail had been pushing for what she called "a lovely mauve trimmed in colonial blue." Yuck!

9. James Madison

He authored the Bill of Rights and orchestrated the Louisiana Purchase. That's pretty impressive, but his greatest contribution to America was his marriage to Dolly Madison, who was easily the hottest looking First Lady of the 19^th Century. No less an authority than Ben Franklin was quoted as saying of the lovely Dolly, "The lady hath one fine set of cupcakes."

10. James Monroe

The Missouri Compromise and the Monroe Doctrine are two nice little pieces of legislature from this dude. Truth be told, nobody, including Monroe himself, has ever really understood what the hell either of these two nice little pieces of legislature were about.

11. Woodrow Wilson

Before Hillary Clinton, there was Edith Wilson, wife of President Woodrow Wilson. After the President became ill from the stress and strain of World War I, the First Lady pretty much took over as her husband recovered. Gee, a dynamic, confident woman in the White House; bet they called her a bitch too.

12. John Quincy Adams

Secretary of State, President, Congressman and Skinny-dipper. The only President to serve in Congress after his presidency, Adams enjoyed taking daily nude dips in the Potomac River during his White House years. Each year on the 4^th of July, he would invite members of his cabinet and their wives to join him and the First Lady for a swim and cookout which would include lots of booze and pot, nude volleyball, and eventually wife-swapping. John Quincy Adams was one crazy bastard!

13. Andrew Jackson

"In 1814, we took a little trip along with Colonel Jackson down the Mighty Mississip." Then "Old Hickory" and his men won the Battle of New Orleans and he was a true American hero. That's some really interesting stuff, but not as interesting as the fact that his wife Rachel was a bigamist. She had married at 17, separated, and assumed that her husband had gone through with the divorce. Wrong!

14. Grover Cleveland

The only President to be elected to two nonconsecutive terms, Cleveland was the kind of friend you didn't want hanging around your daughter. One year into his first term, the 49-year-old President married the 21-year-old offspring of a former associate. During Cleveland's presidency, the First Lady was referred to by Washington insiders as the "First Fine Young Piece."

15. John Tyler

This guy apparently never heard of condoms. Tyler's first wife, with whom he fathered eight children, died while he was in office. Two years later, the 54-year-old president married a young lady 30 years his junior. Then he knocked her up for seven more rug-rats. That's 15 kids! If he were around today, Tyler would likely be playing in the NBA.

16. Dwight D. Eisenhower

America liked Ike enough to elect him to two terms of office. The five-star General gets major points for authorizing the Interstate Highway System, but he forfeits a majority of those points for selecting Richard Nixon as his VP. Had he chose anyone else, Elmer Fudd for instance, as his running mate, the country may possibly have been saved from enduring many years of the most corrupt administration in history.

17. James Buchanan

The only bachelor President, Buchanan may have also been our only gay President (though some believe Millard Fillmore was a bit light in the loafers). At one point in his life, "Old Buck" shacked up for a period of 15 years with his "friend," Senator William King. Some Washington wags even referred to the two of them as "Buchanan and his wife." Historians will tell you that the most significant thing about Buchanan's presidency was that it coincided with the crumbling of the nation just prior to the Civil War. But really it's the whole gay thing that is most interesting.

18. Franklin Pierce

The only really interesting note from the Pierce years: His Vice President was none other than James Buchanan's wife, William King. Did I say wife? I meant his "friend."

19. Ronald W. Reagan

The ex-actor knew how to memorize his lines when it came to talking to the public; but he also forgot things, like details of his involvement in the Iran-Contra affair, or names of his wife's ex-lovers. A frequent visitor to the Reagan White House was Frank Sinatra who used to play hide the salami with Nancy Reagan back before she married "The Gipper."

20. Martin Van Buren

Nobody really knows what of any significance may be attributed to Van Buren. Historians have spent many years attempting to find even one piece of important legislature that occurred during his administration and have come up empty. There are those who even believe that Van Buren never actually existed and that the country was run by a guy named Jimbo who flipped a coin to make important decisions.

21. James A. Garfield

Just four months into his administration, Garfield was shot by an assassin and died two months later. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about his presidency.

22. James Earl Carter

The peanut farmer from Georgia has probably done more for America since his presidency than during his administration. As ex-President Carter, he has kept busy building houses with Habitat for Humanity. As President Carter he was kept busy trying to explain the latest antics of his idiot, drunken brother Billy.

23. Harry S. Truman

Yes, he was a no nonsense guy who is credited with bringing World War II to an end; but you have to have a problem with celebrating a man who is responsible for blowing up a couple hundred-thousand innocent people. Give 'em hell Harry!

24. Zachary Taylor

His nickname was "Old Rough and Ready," words that some White House maids claimed were howled nightly by the First Lady. Draw your own conclusions.

25. James K. Polk

One of the highlights of Polk's presidency was the admission of Iowa as a state in 1846. Yes, we have James K. Polk to thank for Iowa. State motto: If you're here, you must be on your way to someplace else.

26. Chester A. Arthur

Nobody knows anything about him.

27. Benjamin Harrison

He defeated Grover Cleveland after Cleveland served just one term. Then Benny did such a great job that the American people said, "Holy crap! What did we do?" and voted Cleveland back into the White House after Harrison's four years ended.

28. Lyndon B. Johnson

Like Truman, LBJ did some positive things (like signing into law the Civil Rights Act); but he is also responsible for the escalation of the Vietnam War. Plus his wife's name was Lady Bird. You lose points when you marry someone named Lady Bird.

29. George H. W. Bush

His biggest crime? Spawning George W. Bush. 'Nuf said.

30. William McKinley

Despite the fact that there was no real evidence, this numbskull started a war because American newspapers insisted that Spain was responsible for the sinking of the U.S. battleship the Maine. It's hard to imagine a President would actually use flimsy information to start up a war.

31. Calvin Coolidge

"Silent Cal" had the personality of a dead guy. In fact, when Coolidge expired at the age of 60, it was nearly two weeks before anyone noticed.

32. Herbert C. Hoover

Hoover's background as a Quaker may have come in handy when he was making oatmeal, but it was of little help when it came to running the country. His fine leadership during The Depression was rewarded with a landslide loss to FDR and a dropkick through the White House doors.

33. William H. Taft

The only thing anyone knows about this guy is that he was a big, fat tub of lard. At well over 300 pounds, Taft wins the coveted "President Most Likely to Stink Up a Bathroom Award"

34. Richard M. Nixon

Well let's see, where do we start? He chose a running mate (Spiro Agnew) who had to resign his post in shame. He bombed Cambodia for no reason. He orchestrated a cover up of a crime, then told us, "I am not a crook." Facing certain impeachment, "Tricky Dick" resigned. Other than that, he was a hell of a guy.

35. William Henry Harrison

While delivering the longest inaugural speech in history, this dimwit refused to wear a coat on what was an extremely cold, damp day. He eventually developed pneumonia and died exactly one month after his inauguration. Anybody that damn stupid shouldn't get to be President for more than 30 days anyway.

36. Ulysses S. Grant

He was a hell of a General, but one lousy President. Members of the cigar-chomping, hard-drinking Grant's cabinet used to snicker and laugh behind his back as they privately referred to him as "Useless Ass Grunt"

37. Millard Fillmore

Fillmore became President when Zachary Taylor died. After finishing out Taylor's term, he was defeated and then joined the-I'm not making this up-No Nothing Party, which-again, I'm not making this up-believed that Irish Catholics were taking over the country! Anyone who knows anything about the Irish knows they are usually too drunk to organize a volleyball game, let alone take over the country.

38. Rutherford B. Hayes

This knucklehead let the First Lady take all the fun out of being President when she announced that alcohol would not be served at the White House. As a result, only 12 of the hundreds invited attended his inauguration. Everyone else went to outgoing President Grant's goodbye party where, as the Washington Enquirer reported, "the moonshine was flowing and hookers were plentiful."

39. Andrew Johnson

He was impeached and that was the high point of his career.

40. Gerald R. Ford

He was never actually elected to office and he fell down a lot. Beyond that, he was great!

41. Warren G. Harding

Harding presided over one of the most corrupt administrations of all time and was known for making up words like "normalcy." One good thing you can say about him though is that he knew his own limitations. Harding once said of himself, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here."

42. George W. Bush

Bush presides over one of the most corrupt administrations of all time and is known for making up words like "misunderestimated." Another bad thing you can say about him is that he doesn't know his limitations. Bush has yet to say of himself, "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here."

References:

POTUS Presidents of the United States at www.potus.com

Wikipedia at www.wikipedia.org