Rants and Raves from a Stepmom: Just Another Cinderella Story

Stepmom's have one of the hardest jobs in the world. I don't even like the title, it reminds me of that evil wicked lady in Cinderella; and just gives a nasty overtone. When you think of your husband's mother does that fairy tale come to mind? Somehow along the way stepmoms have really received a bad rap. We aren't really evil and wicked though sometimes the children treat us that way.

What one must understand is that we stepmoms get it from all angles. It's like we stand there with a tennis racket constantly hitting the poo-balls back. Needless to say, we are often splattered with s**t..

We have the stepchildren, who we honestly want to have a successful relationship with. A lot of times this is overshadowed by the simple fact we try to mother but we aren't their mothers. We have the real mothers who have done things a certain way and in some cases absolutely brainwash the children against you. Then you have your husband, who is supposed to be on the same page as you. So now you are battling an uphill battle. Very young and much older stepchildren tend to be a little more accepting of you, however, that doesn't mean they are going to listen to you.

Dad is the crucial link. The big key here is that Dad and you must be on the same page when it comes to the stepchildren. How often does this happen? In my home, rarely-it's my husband's way or the highway, even if his way doesn't work.

MY STORY

I inherited three stepchildren and two ex-wives. I was not a mother on my own as of yet, and now there is no room in my house for a baby as I inherited my eighteen year old stepson as a wedding present. (In a book or story, this would make a great evil subplot from the ex-wife.)

The inheritance came due to his constant teenage rebellion stage and Mom was at wit's end. Dad thought we would have a stricter and better environment for him not to get in trouble. We sat him down like an adult and told him of the house rules. Within six months he had broken them all, three times or more and gotten into the same type of trouble he was in at home.

Sure he likes me, and I care a lot about his well being, but he does not respect me, nor my house rules, nor his Father. I talk to him hoping I can make a difference in his decision making but quickly learned what I say or suggest goes in one ear and out the other. I started to realize, he's eighteen years old. He's already formed. He's an adult. He's already who he is.

When I was eighteen I had a mind of my own too. We all go through the quest of ups and downs and trying to realize who we are. Acting out is sometimes part of it. Therefore, I don't blame him fully for being who he is and being in so much trouble. I partially blame his parents. As Mom and Dad scratch his head and shift him from house to house, they are still not addressing the problems. Dad feels that he shouldn't abandon him, and I agree. Dad has to learn that....

TEACHING RIGHT FROM WRONG is not abandonment.

ENABLING him to make the same mistakes, is abandonment.

It's ABANDONING the problem and your son.

The question is easy: What is my stepson actually learning from this situation by being here? I believe the answer would be that rules are made to be broken, he can live at Dad's and eat good, sleep good, and lie good. Nothing really has changed. "You can continue to make mistakes and we aren't teaching you any different." .

I worry about my stepson and that's why I am vocal stepmom. If I didn't care, I simply would ignore everything. I know my husband and his ex-wife love their son very much. However, they are just now trying to undo what has been done for the past eighteen years--lack of parenting.

I consider myself an advocate for implementing ways to teach their son right from wrong. I have been told to stay out of how they raise their children. So I sit and watch them falter, frustrated. This probably hits home to lots of you stepmoms, you are in powerless titles of "step" and "mom" which translates to STEP ALL OVER ME .

Just because I'm not a parent doesn't imply that I would have bad parenting skills. In fact I think some of my ideas would actually work and benefit my stepson. If I had say in what to do with my stepson, I would network with other parents and try absolutely everything until I found something that worked. First he would lose a lot of priveleges and get some counseling for the lying. If this didn't work he would be encouraged to join the military as he's already an adult and needs a higher power to remold him. Maybe he needs Dr. Phil. If this didn't work, he'd be out in a room for rent since he has disrespected the house rules in both parents' places and has no intention of following them anytime soon. He would be forced to learn that every action has a reaction in life and that he must assume responsibility for them. Sadly, he is a grown man and hasn't learnt this yet.

WHY STEPCHILDREN ARE TREATED DIFFERENTLY

It took me a long time for me to figure out why stepchildren get away with a lot of things that they shouldn't, and are often turned into unsuccessful adults by lack of parenting.

I started to read up on the matter and even went to a Counselor to ask for advice. From what I was told and learned, over half of marriage counseling involves stepchildren being an issue or point of the fighting. (Issues range from how they are raised, treated, or how the disrespect their steparents, and how they get away with everything. ) Over half of those marriages fail. I refuse to be that statistic and if anything I have learned an invaluable lesson on how what to do and what NOT to do when I raise my child.

I do believe deep down there is guilt on both parts of the birth parents because the marriage was unsuccessful. The parent has already lost their spouse, the other feels guilt from leaving; and they don't want to lose their child too. Their child is a part of them, but also a part of the spouse they lost. Without knowing it, they tend to overcompensate in a variety of ways.

They overlook behavioral issues. They try to buy the children with money to make up for the missed time. Or they do nothing because they can't seem to get on the same page and work on it as a joint effort. The list goes on and on.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Stepmoms, get hold of yourself. There are so many resources for step-parents on the web. Some are really scary, to hear and some are just sad. Sometimes these ones are good to read only because you can tell yourself maybe your situation isn't that bad. Know you are not the only one in your powerless situation.

Some of the success stories give you hope of possibly brighter days. A good resource is SMOMS.org which is a great site and always gives tips on how to act, react, and keep the faith. It tends to be a bit more positive.