Rape: I Just Let it Happen

Can you tell the difference between making love and f*ing? Are these two any different from sex? And then, what about rape? Can you tell the difference?

I am not here to give you any answers, because opinions are always different. It will always vary based on your own personal experiences. What I will say is based on both personal experience and research.

Statistics vary, but the most shocking study shows that in the United states, 90% of rapes go unreported. Of the 10% reported, 60% are committed by someone the victim knew and trusted.

So why do we still picture a stranger jumping out of an alley and violently attacking someeone when we hear the word rape? Not all rape is 'forcible.'

It would be easier to report a forcible rape, if it happened to you. If you were hanging out with one of your best guy friends, or even a guy you had been dating... and ended up doing something you didn't want to do... that is rape.

That's not a rape you can 'turn him in' for. If you didn't kick him and scream for help... you won't be able to convince yourself that you were taken advantage of. So the worst part of rape consumes you. Self blame.

"It's my fault. I didn't fight back."
"I don't know how it happened."
"I just let it happen."
"Well if I didn't want it to happen then I would have pushed him away."

Do any of these sound familiar? Have you ever thought this? It's not your fault. Maybe you were drugged, because you can remember thinking no, but couldn't say no. Even if you don't have any proof, it's always wise to try to remember if you felt funny or tired for no reason.

From personal experience I can tell you this. Get your own drinks at a party, and never let them out of your sight! It's one thing to read all those warnings about 'date rape drugs', but you never think it might actually happen to you. What's worse, especially if you are partying, is you wouldn't know if it had happened to you.

There's no neon sign that says "I didn't know it but there was something dropped in my drink." Or "hey, that joint was laced with something." There's plenty of things that can be done... even one sleeping pill can put your lights out without your knowing it. Then the next day, you're just wondering why you let it happen, instead of understanding why it happened.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could prevent this from happening to anyone else? First, we have to admit that it happened to us. First, we have to be honest about what sex is.

Sex is two people who want to have sex. It doesn't have to be intimate and caring. It doesn't have to be making love. It can be rough and passionate and crazy and kinky. It can be f*ing.

It can be on the first date. It can be a one night stand. It can be whatever you want it to be, as long as the wanting it is mutual.

I truly believe that there are more rapes happening than any statistic will ever show. So many women are raped and don't recognize it. If you are guilt tripped, then you are being taken advantage of.

Maybe someday, this won't happen to women (or men) but that is like wishing for world peace, and the end of homelessness and world hunger. It is like wishing for everyone to have the financial abundance to enjoy life with no worries. It is just not possible.

What we can hope for is for women to recognize that little voice that says 'sex is an obligation'. All it takes is one time of being raped, in any way, to have that little voice. That little voice will ruin you.

It will make it easier everytime somebody tries to pressure you to give in. That is rape.

Men can be pushy. If they reach out and touch you, and you brush their hand away, and they don't get the hint... stay away from them. They may not realize what they're doing is wrong. Men are programmed to be the pursuer, and they are trained to believe women play 'hard to get.'

Not all men are 'bad', but the more you 'give in', the more they will all seem bad. You will lose your ability to fully give yourself willingly, because sex will no longer be something for you to enjoy. It will be something you have to do because they want it. It doesn't have to be that way, if you can find that little voice and shut it up.

The legal boundaries of what constitute rape should not be where you set your standards. Imagine if every man who had pressured a woman were sentenced. It's scary but many men don't even know when they are raping a woman, just like many women don't know when they are being raped.

Unless you made it perfectly clear that you do not wish to have sex, it is okay not to blame the man. There are many blurry lines. If you are feeling obligated, like I said it gets easier to give in, and then it gets harder to be willing to have sex. That would mean that everytime you have sex, you are being raped.

It is very important however, not to blame yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to a good friend who will shut up and listen. All you need to do is talk about it, and regain control of your own emotions!

It can be difficult to talk to a friend sometimes. The next best thing you can do is talk to a someone who is proffessionally trained. The worst thing you can do is to continue feeling that sex is something 'you have to do'.

That feeling is a nightmare. You feel estranged, like there is something wrong with you. That just leads to more self blame, more self hatred, and it will make one problem worse because it will affect how you view sex in general.

Remember, sex should be something you enjoy. If there is any reason you don't, you need to admit it to yourself and seek help. You're missing out. In some cases, it is helpful and sometimes even necessary to choose celibacy.

Regain Control Of Yourself!