Raping Elisa

I saw you regularly outside my school
After a while we said hello
It was a daily occurrence
for us to greet one another

But while I was not looking
you followed me home
for weeks you watched me
from beneath my windows

you learned my routine
what time I left home for school
what time I came back
you watched and waited
you watched long enough to know
that on certain days
my roommate didn't come home after school

I wasn't aware of the danger
that day I greeted you with a quick hello as always
and walked down the hot pavement to my apartment
The entry door had not closed properly since I moved in
What good is it to have to buzz people up
If the door downstairs is never closed?

You let yourself in
The neighbors didn't know you were there
I had no idea you were coming.
The knock at my door
thinking since no one buzzed me
it must be a neighbor
i opened my door and my smile
turned to shock
then fear as you pushed me backwards
Terror struck when you shut my door and locked it.

I couldn't breathe with your hand over my mouth and nose
and in the moment I had when you knocked me on the floor
I should have screamed
but I couldn't
I was gasping and taking in much-needed air
and panicking
I couldn't think
Then you hit me
and hit me
and I could only wince and try to protect myself
and think how it hurt and I didn't want to die

You pulled me up by my hair, calling me names
and threw me against a wall
you punched me and pulled my hair
and threw me to the floor
and kicked me until I wanted to throw up
Instead
everything went black

I heard noise and felt the warmth of pain
all over my body
then I realized
you were on top of me
your face was there when I opened my eyes
and I screamed and pushed you
you got up on your knees and hit me again
You stood up pulling on your pants while calling me names
You dragged me by the hair into the bathroom
while you yelled at me
You pushed me down and sat on top of me
while banging my head on the floor
I tried to scream again
but you smothered me
and once again
instead
the blackness surrounded me
and I felt nothing.

I vaguely remember a brief glimse
of a different face and a uniform
in the back of the ambulance
and nothing else until I woke up in the hospital
and had to talk to the police

My mind shut down
my body ached
my will to live
was thinking it would have been so much better
if you had killed me first
Instead
there are the nightmares
even twenty years later
it's your face I see
when something triggers a memory
a word
a scent
a thought
it's you who invade my mind
like you invaded my body
I took six baths and 3 showers that night
and still felt your grime
I could still smell you on me
I could still feel you
Death would have been easier

Instead I have life
crying
hurting
praying
dreaming
hoping magically one day
you will be with me no longer.
Someday.