Rare Religions: Turkianism

The faithful of Turkey (Turkians) - and I'm absolutely serious here - worship "The Great God Turkey". According to doctrine, Turkey, along with all the other gods, created the universe by sculpting it out of mashed potatoes. While the other gods had their own motives, Turkey's aim was to be eaten. His entire mission is to spread peace throughout mankind via the ingestion of - you guessed it - turkey.

That's not as odd as you might think. Several faiths make a ritual out of eating crackers and calling it the body of God, the body of Christ, or somesuch. And many of those condemn cannibalism... go figure.

Turkianism isn't the only food-based religion, either. Pastafarians believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created the universe out of his own noodley goodness and large meaty balls. Of course, Pastafarianism exists to make a point. Turkianism is all about eating turkey, and that's it.

The Great God Turkey has only one holy day: Thanksgiving (aka "Turkey Day"). Though many believe that this holiday is actually secular in origin, Turkians claim that it was through the divine intervention of Turkey that the pilgrims and natives were able to set their differences aside in order to enjoy one terrific meal together. Hence the presence of a turkey at the center of the table.

Of course, any day when there is turkey on the table is, technically, a blessed day. Think about it - have you ever had a 'bad' day when you've eaten a turkey dinner?

Turkey's holy symbol is a triangular arrangement of three wishbones, mounted on a drumstick for easy handling. It is used for blessing a meal and all those in attendance, and, occasionally, for stirring the gravy.

Turkianism is one of the smallest faiths in the world, with only a handful of part-time followers (many of Turkey's worshipers also venerate other gods), who, at present, only inhabit the Northeastern region of the United States.

To learn more about Turkianism, just make it up. Seriously. The Turkian faith says: "The Great God Turkey doesn't care what you say about Him, so long as you remember to eat your vegetables."

But whatever you might think of this small and informal faith, there are many who agree that its founders got it right. It is a simple religion, uncluttered by dogma, that focuses on peace and happiness for all. And plenty of food. What more could a person ask for from a God?

Author's Note: While my reporting on this obscure sect might seem farcical to some of you, the religion described here is a real one, and, despite its oddity, is just as valid as any. Given that, this piece might seem intolerant or insensitive to the beliefs of the Turkians. Therefore, you, dear reader, should be made aware that I am actually one of them. That's right - I love Turkey!

Just as only homosexuals are "allowed" to make 'gay jokes', and only blacks are "permitted" 'n*****' jokes, so too can a Turkian freely make fun of the Turkianish (?) faith. However, we of the tablecloth tabernacle are not so prone to offense as certain other groups; like our sister faith, the Pastafarians, we encourage others to join in the merriment and make fun of our beliefs too.